Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Do you ever wonder what Harriet Carter looks like nude? I do. Anyway, this week Harriet rips the hair out of our head, reminds us what white trash looks like in the form of a sweatshirt, kills grandma, and teaches little girls exactly what’s expected of them when they grow up. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Are you easy, breezy, and beautiful? Have a few hundred knots in your hair? If you’ve answered yes to either of these questions you’re probably the type of strong willed woman who believes that hairdressers don’t know what the hell they are doing. I mean, why go to a trained hair-cutting professional who has about 156,993 hours of schooling. What do they know? You need a haircut, you do it yourself. If it worked for the Pilgrims on the Mayflower then it certainly can work for you. Now Harriet will teach you how to cut your own hair so you get the look you want every single morning. It looks effortless and painless. Just look at the lady who’s trying it out! She seems calm, happy, and carefree. You can barely tell that the hair-cutting contraption is literally ripping the knots out of her head and that there are small blood droplets on the comb-cutter. Don’t worry that you’ll F up the back of your head because you can’t really see it, because remember if you can’t see it then no one else can, right? Right! It’s just hair. It will grow back. I’m not sure if that still hold true when you’re ripping it out by the root, but it’s worth a shot. As a side note, it’s great to see Brett Butler from Grace Under Fire working again!
Product # 2 – You are a no-nonsense kind of woman and it’s about time you let every know what you will and won’t stand for (insert z-snap here). If you’re tired of letting men walk all over you and you love your cat you should let them know that…on a shirt perhaps! This award winner states: “Women and Cats Will Do As They Damn Well Please….Men are Just Going to Have to Get Used To It!” By utilizing the word “damn” you’re really getting your point across and also by using the italic and bold options you are letting everyone know how mad you are all whilst informing the public your love for cats. It’s a million dollar idea! This got me to thinking though and you know that’s never a good thing. I end up smelling burnt toast and falling off my chair (audience applause). Don’t cats lick their own crotch? Maybe they should update that shirt to capture a larger audience, no? Perhaps it could say something catchy like: “Women and Cats Lick Their Own Crotch…Men Are Just Going To Have to Get Used To It….and Perhaps Join In. You Know the Technique. Try Mouthing the Alphabet. You Know My Letter. M. M. M! That’s It!” Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, so that may be a little long, but they could always wrap that saying around the back of the shirt of something. Honestly, it’s like I’m a marketing genius.
Product # 3 – Surprise Grandma! We want you dead! Uh-oh watch out for the scary toilet monster. While cookey cartoon Grandma looks startled and funny all at the same time, real life Grandma will be making out with the hard bathroom tile as she goes into cardiac arrest. Oh you kids! You’re such a hoot! I’m not sure what the arrow in the picture is trying to tell us. Perhaps the toilet monster then jumps out of the toilet and onto Grandma’s pink robe. I’m sure it’s been a while since Grandma got any action so a little “toilet monster motorboat” before she says hello to Jesus is a great way to whore herself out of this life. I’m not sure how realistic that toilet monster is though. Is he wet when he pops out? Does he have piss dripping off his face once the toilet opens? Is there any human feces wedged into his eyes? Doubtful. A real toilet monster would have all of those things and more. Geesh, Harriet, at least try to make it look realistic. If you’re going to kill Grandma let’s try to make it authentic ok rookie?
Product # 4 – Hi little girls of America! Put down those math books and throw away those science books because you’re never going to need them when you grow up. You see, you’ll just be holding down your real life job…house cleaner! Thanks to Harriet Carter and your mom now all of your household items can be dressed up in animal dolls clothes! Girls don’t like playing with dolls do they? Oh they do? Well then looks like this subliminal messaging will work! Look honey the vacuum is dressed up like a rabbit wearing a dress! Now chase that rabbit around the living room and by “chase it” I really mean “plug it in and use it on the rug.” There you go! Now we’re all having fun. Make sure you chase your brother around with the vacuum cat doll as boys do not like dolls and will definitely send the message that they do not need to vacuum when they grow up, as women like to do this. House cleaning can be a real hoot! If they really wanted to promote equality they would have one of those vacuums dressed up like a $2.00 whore that likes to do the “sucky sucky.” I bet little Jimmy would definitely want to take his “doll vacuum” for a ride then! Thanks for keeping little girls stuck in the 1950’s, Harriet! Let’s hope they never get the chance to vote!
Well that concludes another segment of Harriet Carter Wednesday. Go F youself!
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