Product # 1 – Harriet Covers Your Ass: Hey Polly pissy pants, can’t seem to stop messing your drawers? Don’t bother getting those other “adult diapers” that they sell in the drug store that are made of comfortable white cotton (I’m just guessing), but instead just buy these plastic see-through underpants (this applies to you too, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton). I mean when you realllly mess yourself you’re going to want to see exactly what it looks like. You truly haven’t lived until you’ve seen your own crap smeared on plastic. What you can’t see in this photo is the description that actually says, “doesn’t crinkle after washing.” Yeah, you definitely don’t want your piss and crap-stained underoo’s to crinkle while you’re walking. Thanks Harriet. I bet you wear these. You do, don’t you? I knew it!
Product # 2 – Harriet Barely Covers Your Rack: I wish I was making this up, but I’m not. Are you feeling a little “deflated” in the boobs department? No worries, because all you need are these inflatable boobs! I mean look how real they look! ‘Before’ she is an “A-cup” and ‘after’ she doesn’t even have boobs anymore, she has a couch in her blouse. Yup, a couch. These don’t look even remotely close to real. Let me save you girls a little bit of money. Instead of buying these, just take your trash barrels and shove them down your shirt and PRESTO you have new boobs! Thank me later. Thanks Harriet for putting another stripper out of work.
Product # 3 – Harriet Covers Your Shoulders: Again with the friggin’ Harriet Carter seat belts. This is technically the 3rd seat belt product that I’ve found and talked about on this blog. This time, Harriet has created some extenders to get the seat belt over your fat ass and take the pressure off your shoulders. This makes me want to use my angry words, but I’m going to just let it go. I know that there will be more Harriet Carter seat belt options out there in the near future, because clearly you need about 15 different options when trying to tackle the difficult task of putting on and taking off your seat belt. For anyone who purchases this I hope you get your license revoked.
Product # 4 – Harriet Covers Your Back and Makes Your Boobs Look Great All At the Same Time: Hey hunchback! Are your boobs pulling you down? Is gravity really starting to take over? Maybe it’s just God’s way of pushing you closer to hell? Harriet Carter has created this trusty little “posture corrector” so that you can show your boobs off to the neighbors again and save your back all at the same time. Could this photo get any more dramatic. I mean, the ‘before’ picture makes it look like this lady is almost in tears and can barely stand up straight. The ‘after’ picture really says, “POW! Look at THESE knockers!” By the way, is that Priscilla Presley in that photo? Thanks Harriet Carter! At your age, Harriet, I bet you need to strap on 3 of those babies at once to get your rack standing back at attention. Oh crap. I just got a visual. Must pour bleach in my eyes.
Product # 5 – Harriet Carter Covers Nothing. I Don’t Get It: Harriet sure does love her pillows! If they don’t have horses embroidered on them they have some random-ass saying embroidered on them. This time, Harriet went for the “saying.” It says, “A Day Hemmed in Prayer is Less Likely to Unravel.” Um, really? What in the hell is that supposed to mean? I kind of get it and I think I know where you’re trying to go with it, but why? That’s it, I’m making my own pillow. It’s going to say,
Yeah, it’s going to be a large pillow. Who wants to buy one? Thanks Harriet for the “prayer pillow,” but don’t force your beliefs down my throat you big bitch.
Ok, so that concludes yet another segment of “Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday.” Maybe it wasn’t so “express” after all.