I almost forgot that it was already Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday due having Memorial Day off. Luckily, since I think about Harriet each and every day, I remembered. This week Harriet provides products that can cut you, fall on you, help not blind you, and even surprise you. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Have you ever been out and all of a sudden felt the immediate need to saw a brick, but you didn’t bring your saw? I know, it happens to me all the time. Luckily, Harriet hooks you up with this heavy duty pocket saw that can literally cut through a brick, pipe, and probably human bone (not that I’m giving any of you any ideas). Seriously, why the need for a pocket saw? And who the hell finds themselves in a “brick sawing emergency?” or a “BSE” as I typically call it. My thought is that if you’re cutting brick you probably have a legit saw to do this with. What Harriet should be doing is marketing this product to the “escapee serial killer on the go.” Have you just escaped from a maximum security prison system? Do you only have limited time to kill again? Well don’t waste your time with bulky weapons like guns and knives! Just quickly order your pocket saw and saw your way to happiness! Thanks Harriet!
Product # 2 – Is your life completely and absolutely ridiculous? Do you think you are as insane as you can possibly be? Well as Oprah always says, “dream bigger.” I say, get even more ridiculous by purchasing what I can only assume is a life-sized remote control. No joke, this remote is about 5 times the size of the persons hands. And look at the little picture of all the other “normal sized” remote controls with the big red “x” through it. Yeah Harriet, now those remote controls are crazy. STOP THOSE REMOTE CONTROLS! Why have 5 different remotes when you can own one giant remote that, if were to fall off the couch, could literally kill a toddler. This gets me to thinking…do you need a separate coffee table for a remote like this? Perhaps this control goes onto the coffee table next to your regular coffee table? You know what? Save the time of having to show how white-trash you are and just sell your house and buy that trailer that your one Harriet Carter products away from anyway.
Product # 3 – Are you a huge baby in the shower? This lady knows she’s an adult, right? Well if you’re like this big bitch and are still terrified to get a little soap in your eye then you, too, should be buying this shower headband. No you no longer have to worry about losing complete vision thanks to Harriet’s high-tech shower eye protector. Seriously? Kill yourself. Now I may not be a rocket scientist or someone who works with money (even though I am a rocket scientist who works with money), but I think..I think you could save yourself some money if you just closed your eyes in the shower while washing your hair. Yup, I just tested it out and it actually works. I know this is a tricky concept to understand, but here’s how it works. When you get in the shower and start washing your hair, keep your head tilted slightly back. Next, when you’re ready to rinse the shampoo out of your hair all you need to do is….get ready for it…..get ready for it…..get ready for it….close your eyes. PRESTO! The horrific act of shampooing is over and your eyesight has not been compromised. Brilliant.
Product # 4 – So this is the “surprise” product that I mentioned in the opening. This product is the surprise due to it’s price. Now if you guessed that this old fashion record player brought to you by Harriet Carter would cost you $49.99 you’d be incorrect. $99.99? Nope. $299.99? Getting warmer. $350.00? Nope. How about $399.98? Ding ding ding! Yes, to my absolute shock and horror, this would be the most expensive product in the Harriet Carter catalog. So this reallllly got me to thinking….who’s buying this? I mean, Harriet literally sells a hat that looks like a pig and has wings that you can make flap when you pull on the string. She’s sells key chains that fart, beer helmets, horse ornaments, and a nose trimmer that’s in the shape of a finger (all of this true). So who is purchasing all that crap and then is like, “Oh good! I loved my pig hat and finger nose trimmer so much that I’m also going to buy that $399.98 record player.” No really, I want to know who you are. Email me.