There’s nothing that makes me happier than a productive Harriet Carter Wednesday…unless its when “Failure Model Chick” makes a guest appearance. What a treat because “Failure Model Chick” is back in action. This week, Harriet Carter is trying to sell us new hair, a killer reindeer, microwavable dogs, and Betty Boop for President. Let’s go….
Product # 1 – Hey ladies, is your hair thinning? Do you want it to grow back thicker and fuller….but only on the sides and come back a different color? Well if you shouted out “yes” to your computer then you are in luck. Now Harriet can help with your hair troubles. Just look how happy this lady is! She’s so happy that she has somehow transferred herself into an 80’s sitcom “dream” sequence that even sports the white fog and bright white light. Either that or this product has killed her and she is about 4 feet away from Jesus in heaven. Yes, Jesus. Seriously, why is her hair so bushy and blond on the sides, yet thin and dark brown on the top? Does this product automatically give you “The Rachel” from 1994? Someone test this out. Thanks.
Product # 2 – Here comes death car, here comes death car, right down death car lane! Now you can let everyone on Interstate 93 know just how much you love Christmas by dressing your car up as a reindeer. Let me repeat that. Dressing your car up like a reindeer. As if driving a KIA isn’t bad enough, now you can make it look even worse. What a great idea for the kids too. “Hey kids, go and give Santa’s reindeer a big hug!” Every time the kids see this coming up the street they’re going to run out into the street to try to hug it. Nothing like a hug going 64 mph. Ouch, hugs hurt! You know what kids, so does Christmas. Christmas hurts. This reindeer kit also can really jazz up your molester mobile. Trying to lure kids into your car by asking them to pet your puppy is so “kidnapped 1981.” Now you can have the kids come over to pet Santa’s reindeer. Ho ho ho! Christmas just came early for the diddlers! Ohhh “Christmas With the Diddlers.” That should be a movie. Thanks for inspiring, Harriet!
Product # 3 – A moment of silence please…….”Failure Model Chick” is back! This time around she is sporting a plush dog around her neck that can be heated up in the microwave. I shit you not. Brrrr it’s cold. I wish I had a cooked dog around my neck. Viola! Now you can! And you know that “Failure Model Chick” was all “I’m not putting a stupid cat around my neck for this picture…I’m a successful catalog/crapalog model.” “Failure Model Chick” must be quite the diva on the set. As a side note, let’s just say it…how much of a douche bag does the model in the picture above look like? Also, besides just teeing off on “Failure Model Chick” and crew, why does one need a heated animal around their neck to keep warm? I have an idea…turn the heat on. Nothing will confuse a child more than watching “Mommy” putting a dog in the microwave. Watch out Sparky, you’re next!
Product # 4 – No wonder the terrorists are always after us. This Harriet Carter t-shirt says “Born in the USA” and has a picture of Betty Boop on it looking like a big whore. Seriously? (1) Do people still want/wear anything Betty Boop related? (2) What in holy hell does Betty Boop have to with the USA? (3) Uh, why do you need a t-shirt that says “Born in the USA?” Maybe if you’re an illegal immigrant you should be sporting this t-shirt just to trick INS, but other than that please don’t buy something like this. I can see it now, hundreds of restaurant dish-washers will all be running around with Betty Boop t-shirts. Ok, on to “Madre de Failure Model Chica.” Is she on Ecstasy in this picture? Clearly she’s on something. They probably had to pump her full of drugs to get her to take this picture. She’s way creepy. Wait, is she actually dead? Tricky Harriet! Putting a t-shirt on a dead corpse? T-shirt should say “Born and Died in the USA.”