Harriet Carter: Bird Poop. Exactly.

Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! I’m thinking that Harriet Carter should start her own reality show. It would be a cross between The Apprentice and America’s Next Top Model. You’d have to model the most ridiculous products while also trying to sell them to white-trash viewers. Who’s in? Anyone know how to make/pitch a reality show? I think I’m onto something. Anyway, this week Harriet is helping us do a sexy exercise, clean up bird mess that apparently is all over the place, have a trippy piss party, and teach a little bitch to bake brownies. Let’s go!

Product # 1 – Having bird shit problems? Don’t have access to water? Well now you can say goodbye to the bird crap that is, apparently, not only all over your car but all over your walls as well! I’m not sure if those are birds on the bottle or flying ghosts, but either way they are crapping their way to freedom. I’m not sure why they’re showing the car though because I’m pretty sure that’s not bird crap, it’s actually a starfish on the windshield. Do they sell anything to get rid of starfish stuck to your windshield? If so, let me know because I have a windshield covered in starfish. Now why would one need this remover for bird crap on their walls? Walls. What in the holy hell must your house look like if you have bird crap on the walls? If this sums up your house and you know me, please do not ever invite me over for dinner. If you have bird shit on the walls you are more than likely to have cat piss in the rug and rabbit poop on the counter. If you have bird crap on the walls problems why not just close your door and windows? This way….wait for it….wait for it….the birds can’t get in. I know, brilliant concept. This product is, however, like body wash for the homeless. Pick up some bird droppings remover for your favorite neighborhood homeless man or woman this holiday season! Thanks, Harriet, for letting us know what your living room probably looks like.

Product # 2 – When I piss I want to have a party, a real party! I’m not going to walk into the bathroom and just pee in a boring white toilet like a caveperson. Nope. I want to celebrate my bathroom break with flashing lights all over my toilet because peeing, after all, really is a party in itself. Finally a reason to bring my glowsticks and pinata into the bathroom with me! I take a few swings of the pinata, pee into my glowing toilet, snap some pictures, and immediately add it to my Myspace page. But don’t just stop there. Let the party continue with other fun ways to celebrate too. Enjoy bobbing for apples at Halloween? How ’bout bobbing for e-coli in your very own sparkly light up toilet! Bring the kids! Want to heat things up with your wife/husband? Well dim the lights, drop some rose petals (and some acid), grab their hand, and walk them into the bathroom. Dancing by the light up toilet will bring back memories of your highschool “Under the Sea” dance. Romantic and bright! Thanks, Harriet, for inventing the pee party! Filth.

Product # 3 – Can you get pregnant from this? I think you can. Now this is either a security system or an innovative way of running indoors. Whatever is hidden behind that door must be priceless because this chick (who may be Failure Model Chick) will stop at nothing to try to get into that room. I’d say just turn the doorknob, but this looks like a fun way to try and open the door too. Practicing your puppet skills has never been easier. How many calories does one burn by doing this? Wait, is this some sort of sex machine? Bingo! I think I just guessed it. Harriet is selling sex to her customers. Finally this is all making sense to me. Now I always figured you needed two people to use a sex machine, but apparently Harriet is on to some new form of sex that I don’t know about. It all makes sense. The bungee cords, the spandex shorts, the door knob. S-E-X M-A-C-H-I-N-E. Got it. Be careful, though, not to accidentally place your foot in the hand strap because you are sure to “become a woman” that way. I’d love for someone to open that door from the other side and have this “exercise champ” go flying right into the other room. Remember folks, always wear protection. In this case that consists of a helmet and elbow pads. You’ll thank me later. Thank, Harriet, for reinventing sex!

Product # 4 – What happens you mix the DNA of Bindi Irwin, Abigail Breslin, and Dakota Fanning? You get this little bitch, “Grandma’s Helper.” Oh yeah, she’s helping alright. She’s helping you to an early grave. She’s trying to act all cute with her plate of homemade brownies, but she has that sassy little smirk on her face because only she knows that she really cooked you up a batch of shit-bricks. The apron comes with two helpful front pockets. One pocket is for her Ritalin prescription and the other pocket is for her “stabbing stick.” As soon as you turn your back you totally know that “Grandma’s Helper” is smearing butter all over the stairs and banister and is cutting her little brothers hair, but not before force-feeding him her shit-bricks. Ugh. Look at her with her clenched fist. Go to close to that plate and she’s likely to clock you right in the chin, pull your hair when you fall, and scream obscenities directly into your face as the tears are flowing down your face. You think of crushing up all of her Ritalin pills and mixing it into her applesauce as the thought of spending time in prison away from this little hellion is like a tropical vacation for you. But, don’t do it. Look at little face! It’s saying, “I made these shit-bricks and I’ll suffocate you in your sleep.” You need someone like that on your side. Trust me.

Well that concludes another segment of “Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday.” I’m sure to go to hell!

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