Wow another craptastic year of Harriet Carter has come and gone and I’m still lawsuit free! I figured what better way to walk through the year of Harriet Carter then to choose my top 19 products of 2007. I could have had everyone vote, but lets face it – knowledge leads to power and I don’t need my readers getting too smart and going somewhere else. Anyway, below are my favorite 19 (yes 19), so grab 16 pots of coffee, give the kids some sedatives, kick the dog (sorry Ang) and let’s have one of those 1980’s sitcom dream sequences when we walk down memory lane (and turn on the fog machine….now).
Product # 1 – You know what’s really heavy? Eyeglasses. You know what’s light as a feather? A jumbo magnifying glass that hangs from your neck and is the size of a bathroom window. Really? This makes it easier for you to read then just putting on a pair of eyeglasses? No joke, that’s my computer screen hanging from this skanks neck. My thoughts? If your eyesight gets this bad just go for an eye transplant. I’m sure Harriet sells an “eye transplant” contraption. Perhaps just go for those “books on tape” because you look a little ridiculous. I mean, I’m not sure if a book called “Mom’s” will be on audio tape, but it’s worth a shot. If all else fails you should literally try playing the piano and/or harmonica. What? It worked for both Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles. You never know. I’d try it. P.S, nice purple wall. Do they film 80’s porn in that room when you’re not sitting there? Thanks Harriet for being a literal pain in the neck. Sidenote, that was the cleanest joke I ever told and, perhaps, the worst.
Product # 2 – No joke, this might actually be “Failure Model Chicks” mother modeling this cat t-shirt. If so, this lady’s new nickname shall be “Madre de Failure Model Chica.” What a wonderful shirt and look how happy “Madre de Failure Model Chica” is to model it. It says, “Cats are Proof that God Loves Us and Wants Us to Be Happy!” Yeah, no it actually doesn’t. The t-shirt should say something catchy like this: “Cats are Proof that God Has Pitty For You Because You Are All Alone and Is Hoping That You Get So Desperate That You Actually Start Thinking The Cats Are Talking to You. In Fact, God Thinks It’s Funny That You Have So Many Cats That He Has Instructed Harriet Carter to Create and Sell a T-Shirt That Will Force People To Make Fun of You on a Daily Basis.” That all rhymed, right? As a side note, cats are also proof that the hair that was in the brownies you made and brought to work from someones surprise baby shower actually was not your hair, but your cats filthy lice infested hair that accidentally got into the bowl when you allowed “Whiskers” to lick the egg beater.
Product # 2 – Have you been burglarized by cartoon characters? Well if so, now Harriet Carter has found the BEST place for you to hide your valuable possessions where no burglar would ever think to look…in an oversized plastic book that says “ATLAS” on it. Seriously, who even owns an Atlas anymore? Now make sure you place that Atlas in between your other 1955 encyclopedia’s because no burglar will ever think to look there. Wow, and look what valuable possessions they’re hiding in that Atlas. Hmmm, let’s see. Looks like they’re hiding a couple of $20.00 bills, some gold costume jewelry, and a stick in a bag. Yeah, don’t let the burglars find that pot of gold you have hiding up on the shelf! As soon as I get Harriet Carters home address I’m taking a trip and I’m finding that Atlas.
Product # 1 – You wanna fight with your little brother all the time you little bitch? Good, well then you know where little bitches eat dinner? In the living room all by themselves. Bratty little bitches don’t eat “good person” dinner either. You know what little skanky pain-in-the-ass bitches eat for dinner? Yup, you guessed it. They eat popcorn and they drink juice, apparently out of a bag. You may think this is a reward you troublemaker, but we’ll get the last laugh. You’ll rot out your little bitchy teeth and then will be left toothless. So…still wanna fight with your brother? Oh, you do? Well then good. Be a big bitch in the living room. Alone. And good luck with the monsters that live under the couch. Yes, I know I told you they didn’t exist, but they do. And you know what monsters like? Correct! Little bitchy douche-bag pain in the ass troublemakers who eat popcorn and drink juice out of a bag. P.S. You’re adopted and your mother used to be a man. Best wishes in therapy.
Product # 4 – Um, did Jesus just win a People’s Choice Award? That’s what it looks like to me. I understand that Jesus is everywhere, but what movie or TV show was he in recently? I didn’t even get to vote. Oh, I bet he was in that God damn (sorry) Ugly Betty. The one show I don’t watch. Regardless, congratulations Jesus! Don’t forget to thank yourself as you accept this award.
Product # 4 – Do you have a lot of squirrels and birds around your tree really bugging everyone? I hear ya! Well now you can scare away God’s creatures thanks to this handy and, might I add, very life-like plastic owl that hangs from the tree and says “Hoot! Hoot!” every time these animals are in the area. Wow and the eyes even glow in the dark…just like real life owls? I bet squirrels and birds wished they had fingers so that they could give the middle finger to not only the owl, but to Harriet as well. Hoot! Hoot! Really? Does an owl even say “Hoot?” I think they say “hooooo” or “whoooooo.” Everybody knows that owls can’t pronounce their “t’s.” Duh.
Product # 1 – Now where did this little gem come from? Not the product…the girl. I guarantee this is Harriet’s grand-daughter. I don’t know how she snuck by me all these months. In case you can’t tell, the product is a “lip gloss crown.” Pretty. I believe each of those colors are perfect for the everyday streetwalker and $2.00 whore (yes there is a difference). What a great way to really slut up your little girl by letting her skank up her lips with such wonderful colors. Purple means “I go to first base.” Green means, “I go to second base.” Yellow means, “I missed my period.” Dark pink means, “The baby is not yours, but the STD is.” And what in the hell is wrong with this girls face? Is she putting on lipstick or acid? Seriously it looks like it’s burning her lips. Can she put any of that lip stuff on the rest of her face? You know, to hide the ugly and all. Yeah that’s right. I just attacked a little girl and I’ll do it again. Oh, and I mean made fun of her…not like anything perverted. Anyway, thanks Harriet for making all little girls into strippers, porn stars, and street walking whores.
Product # 4 – We couldn’t complete a week of Harriet Carter product recaps without something that is officially white-trash. Well, I think these lawn sheep will do it. Yes, lawn sheep. Actually they may be lawn lambs. I don’t discriminate. Anyway, I guess this is supposed to trick the neighbors into thinking that sheep are actually grazing on your lawn. Why that is tricky Harriet! Why are half of the Harriet Carter products supposed to trick people or make people laugh? Why can’t you just have a lawn. Just a lawn. That’s it. No funny things happening to your lawn. No animals in your lawn. No fake mushrooms growing out of your lawn. No clay dog statues sitting on your lawn. Just a lawn. That’s it. Also, why is the black sheep all by itself. Is Harriet racist? I believe she is. I believe she’s the one who set up this display. Yeah, nice subliminal messaging Harriet. As a side note, that lawn in the picture couldn’t look any more fake. And why is the sky right there. Are these sheep flying? They could have at least put a fence there or something, but just the sky? Dumb. Thanks Harriet Carter you racist lamb-loving whore!
Product # 2 – Um, what’s going on in your chest area that you need this type of clothing contraption? Well if you sweat like a whore in church, boy does Harriet have the bra for you! This bra comes with netting for your “lady areas” and then it apparently has ears or something because it also pads under your arm. It’s almost like it gives your boobs wings. I mean, and who doesn’t want to see flying boobs? Let’s face it, this is a million dollar idea. Oh and by “million dollar idea” I actually mean “whoever invented it should get the electric chair.” Seriously if you’re sweating that much go see a doctor. And why is that lady grabbing her stomach? She’s trying to look all sexy. Yeah, nice try looking all hot with that thing on. I’d love to see the expression on the face of the person who you undress for. I bet Harriet totally wears one of those. Only since she is much older and things tend to “fall” a bit I bet she uses those underarm pads as pants pockets. Wow. Bad mental image.
Product # 1 – As we all know by now, Harriet Carter loves death. She loves it. Now you can buy your very own death stone for a loved one and let them know that there was a chance you could have saved them from dying, but you didn’t. The stone literally says, “If Love Could Have Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever.” Huh? I don’t even know what that means. So could loved have saved the person or not? Yeah, tell that to your poor Nana that died. Nana didn’t need “love” to save her, she actually needed medical attention. She probably needed an ambulance, but you just let her stay on the ground as you tried to bring her back to life by “loving” her. Nice move. Nana’s dead because of you Harriet Carter. Oh, and Harriet? I love you.
Product # 3 – Live in a dangerous neighborhood? Want to stay protected fro burglars? Are you stupid and cheap? Well does Harriet have a product for you! Now you can purchase this fake deadbolt. Yes, fake. It’s actually a self-stick fake deadbolt. Yes, self-stick. The description literally says, “Imitation deadbolt fools intruders into thinking they have no shot at breaking into your home.” Uh, really? Are these blind cartoon burglars? Burglars usually have guns with them, no? Yeah, they’re probably going to be able to shoot that “imitation deadbolt” off the door. Oh, and it they don’t have a gun they could easily tear that deadbolt off the door. If they don’t have hands, they could wait for a light breeze to blow that deadbolt off the door. Do they really have “no shot” at breaking into your home? Do burglars usually go up to a house and say, “Oh crap it’s locked. Oh well, off to the next house!” I hope Harriet has this on her house. If only I had her address…
Product # 1 – This spring/summer Harriet has found more comforting words to share with you as you mourn the loss of your loved one. Let’s see what this one says. “God Saw Her Getting Tired, a Cure Not Meant to Be, so He Put His Arms Around Her and Whispered, ‘Come With Me.'” Uhhhh, yeah that is horrific. Look, God is busy, really busy. I’m not sure He has the time to spend in the science lab discovering cures for diseases, but I am positive that He would never say that. Oh, and I doubt God speaks in rhymes. Why is Harriet so morbid? I’m waiting for the “accident ornament.” I suspect it will say something like, “Ouch I Bet That Tree Really Hurt Especially When Your Body Flew into the Dirt. I Know, I Know You May Beg and Beg, But I Am Your Doctor and Must Cut Off Your Leg.” See? I totally need to be in the Harriet Carter crapalog. Thanks Harriet for making death so hot this summer!
Product # 4 – Ahhhh, I heart “As Seen on TV.” I can’t blame Harriet for this one alone, but since she does sell it she is fair game. Introducing “Urine Gone!” As the label says, “For pet or people accidents.” All you need to do is spray this on the urine stain and it will disappear. Seriously, if you have this problem in your house please don’t EVER invite me to your house. Ever. I know exactly the kind of person you are. You’re the type that has 5 cats, makes brownies and brings them into work. As I take my first bite you tell me how you let your car lick the egg-beater. Your cat is disgusting and you are even more gross. I bet your house is soaked in urine. And “people accidents?” What’s going on in your home that you have human urine stains all throughout the house. Did you know you have a toilet? Just use that. No stains. This makes me so insane. I almost want to lurk in a Walgreen’s, wait for someone to purchase this product, follow them to their home, and call the board of health and have their house boarded up. Oh, and thanks for the “black-light” Harriet! Let’s realllly expose those urine stains. You are a filthy, filthy woman.
Product # 1 – Ring Ring! I’m sorry, I mean Fart Fart! Have you ever thought that the phone was just a little too boring? I guess it is. All my phone does is just “ring.” I wish my phone had sound effects. What is this you say? There is a phone out there that has sound effects? Brilliant! Harriet Carter is selling a phone (for $12.99) that has built in sound effects so that if you’re talking to someone and are looking for an excuse get off the phone all you need to do is press one of the following sound effects: Screaming, crying, siren, crash, bark, rat-a-tat, burp, or fart. This actually isn’t a joke. The phone really makes these noises.Seriously? So in the middle of the conversation you’re supposed to press the “crash” button and say, “I’m sorry I have to hang up. A car just crashed in my kitchen.” Or better yet, press “burp” and then say, “I’m sorry I have to call you back, I just burped.” Really? And what the hell is “rat-a-tat?” What kind of excuse is that? “Hey Rose? Yeah, I’m gonna need to give you a call back. Yeah, I have an emergency. You didn’t just hear the ‘rat-a-tat’? Yeah there’s a rat-a-tat I need to deal with.” Rat-a-tat? I would replace that with a “jihad” button. That way you could easily say, “Yup, lemme call you back. Someone just declared jihad in my living room. Ok, ba-bye.” Thanks Harriet for reinventing the phone.
Product # 2 – Is it a hat? Is it a scarf? Or is is a Scat? Maybe it’s a Harf? Either way one thing is for sure. When you put on this hat/scarf combo you are going to look like hot sex walking down the street! I know, sometimes it is waaaay to tricky to wear both a hat and a scarf. Sometimes you accidentally put the hat around your neck and the scarf on your head. Well you won’t be making those mistakes anymore thanks to Harriet Carter! Oh, and again with those friggin backgrounds. Why is she all bundled up like that? It actually looks really nice out, warm even. Is it just me or does the material of that “Harf” make you think that if she was smoking a cigarette that entire thing would go up in flames in under 3 seconds? It also looks itchy as hell and it looks like it smells like a musty basement. I hope it gives that bitch a rash. That’ll teach her. I have an idea. Spend the extra $39.99 and get a scarf….and…wait for it, wait for it……a hat. I know, insane right?
Product # 4 – Hi there pretty! Have you ever wanted to capture the exact moment that your daughter turned into a butch lesbian? Well, now you can with this kick-ass picture puzzle. Seriously, what’s up with the “Harriet Carter kids?” This puzzle would have sold more if they used a stick figure instead of this little shit. And I thought it was Harriet Carter Wednesday not Ash Wednesday? Why does this little girl have ashes on her forehead? Cut her mullet, take a weed-whacker to her eyebrows, and toss her in the tanning booth for 7 minutes. Then take her picture. This picture makes me not want kids. If someone ever gave me this puzzle with this girl on it I would never put it together…EVER. Well, maybe I would put the blue background together and the yellow sweater, but that’s it. As soon as I got to her hair or nose I would take the entire puzzle apart and toss it in the trash. Bet you never thought 6th grade would be this bad, did ya?
Product # 1 – Who wants to make disgusting pizza! I do! I do! Harriet Carter provides the absolute freshest ingredients such as pizza sauce (ketchup and water), pizza crust mix (sawdust), and my personal favorite..cheese – which (if you look very closely) either looks like it’s all moldy or it’s just shredded green paper. Mmmmmmmm it smells so good! Now, look at that little bitch of a terror who’s making that pizza. Yeah, I don’t trust her for a second. She actually looks like she’d be a friggin animal in the kitchen. In between stabbing her brother with scissors, slapping her mother in the face, and performing a high-pitched scream she can toss that pizza mess in the oven. Toss her in after the pizza. She is clearly declaring “jihad” on the kitchen in her first photo. Seriously, if my kid ever made me a pizza with those shitty ingredients I’d drive them to New York, open the car door, give them a bit of a push, toss $20.00 at them and then drive back home. Adios kid! Maybe you can become a pizza chef in the “big city?” P.S Watch out for the rats. Love Always, Dad.
Product # 2 – Hey ladies are you tired of telling your husband that you aren’t in the mood for sex over and over again? Well, don’t lose sleep another nights sleep pushing off his advances, just simply strap on this “cotton-padded cock-block” and drift off to sleep. If your husband tries to get his “business” anywhere near you, he’ll just “bump” into this contraption that’s hooked to your knees? Yup, I just looked again, it’s hooked around her knees. However, husbands, don’t think this is the kiss of death just yet. She may be sleeping, but that doesn’t mean you can write her a note on that thing. Perhaps book an appointment on that cotton cock-block for the following night? It’s time to literally think outside of the box (yes I just made myself laugh with that one).