“Oh I’m so embarrassed. Canned food always gives me gas.”
“Of course my breath stinks, look what I’ve been licking.”
And perhaps my personal favorite:
“Gotta poop, gotta poop, gotta poop right now.”
That’s sweet. I assumed dogs only really ever said these two catch phrases, “My balls are salty” or “Hey! What did you do with my balls?” Apparently they say other things. I say there should be collars for the dog owners so the dogs can understand what they’re saying. Simply place the WT symbol around your owners neck and every time they talk they’ll say these hilarious sayings:
“Yes that was me that pulled that long piece of Tinsel out of your ass last Christmas!”
“I’m totally fine with the fact that my rugs and couches are soaked with dog piss!”
“I have the biggest dog on the block because I have the smallest penis in the neighborhood.”
“Yup, my wife’s the real bitch in this house.”
And perhaps my personal favorite:
“Just lick off the peanut butter no matter where I put it and ask questions later.”
Thanks Harriet for being such an innovative scientist!
Product # 2 – What in the name of Polygamy Sect Wives is this!? Yikes! The casting department really went all out when they found this swimsuit model! I assume they placed an add in Polygamy Sect Weekly and this chick was the first one who responded. She definitely has the Polygamy hair in full effect. I like how even though it’s wet it still has a nice poof to it. That means she’s the craziest Polygamy Wife of them all! It’s nice how they let her take off her pink paper dress and change into a bikini that washed up on Daytona Beach during Spring Break 1987. No while she’s floating around in the pool she can look sexy all at the same time. Wow. And look at the way she’s posing with that raft contraption. Toss a pink feather boa around her neck and you’ve got yourself quite the Meadow Glenn Mall Glamour Shots photo shoot. They way she’s holding that arm really let’s the buyer know that relaxation is key to this raft contraption. I always float around my pool like that. It looks comfortable. It feels comfortable. It is comfortable. And, thanks to the netting in this raft contraption there are plenty of opportunities for her 10 Polygamy Sect Husbands to try and gang bang her all at the same time just like their bible says! But these aren’t the Polygamy Sect Wives of yesteryear. Oh no they most certainly are not! They’re up-to-date with the times. In fact, the netting around this raft contraption is their version of safe sex with their 10 husbands. Like it says in their bible, “Ye of little bosoms and big hair must haveth ye intercourse in ye old above the ground pool all whist using ye raft netting so that ye don’t becometh the town whore.” Using the word “ye” makes my bible quote much more believable. Thanks Harriet for catering your pool toys to throwbacks.
Product # 3 – Alright! T-shirt time! It’s been a while since I’ve found a HC t-shirt that made little to no sense to me. Well here it is folks! This time around this brilliant and probably flammable t-shirt says, “I Don’t Want To. I Don’t Have To. You Can’t Make Me. I’m Steve.” They had me all the way up to the “I’m Steve” part. Wait a second. Unless this is some sort or cry for help? I once knew a girl who used to say those same exact things. Funny how she’s an unwed mother of 4 and in her early 20’s. I’m sure she had a t-shirt just like that, but on the back in tiny tiny tiny font it said, “Can’t Rape the Willing. Sometimes No Means ‘I’ll Think About It.” No really, it said that. She was a whore. Hmmm are we not quite ready for rapist jokes on this blog? Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. Anyway, back to “Steve.” You totally know that Steve got his ass kicked on the playground every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. On the other days, including weekends, his dad totally used his belt to slap some sense into Steve. Fast forward years later and “Steve” is a middle-aged street sweeper who takes the bus to work and makes minimum wage. He has 3 poodles in his trailer in which he dresses up like French models and takes them to doggy beauty pageants in which he’s won over 25 trophies. “Steve” eats hot dogs and canned beans 4 times a week on his plaid couch that is torn to shreds and has every single episode of The People’s Court on tape in which he watches on repeat in his VCR that is holding up his 19 inch black and white TV ever since the legs broke off of the TV Tray that his TV used to balance itself on. “Steve” also has pictures up on his fake wood paneling walls of him from 1st grade through highschool and he spends 10-15 minutes each day trying to figure out what his favorite haircut was and then tries to perfect that haircut with his Flowbee. This, my friends, is a complete psychological, demographic, and personality profile of the type of person who wears a -t-shirt like this. That’ll be all.