Product # 1 – You know what’s missing in my shower every morning? Money. You guessed it! I shower every day (almost) and wonder why I’m not getting paid for this. What am I a caveman? Well now thanks to the scientists at Harriet Carter they’ve discovered a way to add money to….wait for it…..wait for it…..soap! I know! All you need to do is wash your skanky body every day. Rub it really good over places such as your ass, boobs, penisitis, vaginastein, and that special area in between your bum and “front privates” where only Santa, the tooth fairy, and baby Jesus can see. You’ll be rich in no time. Just hope that the money doesn’t fall out when you’re taking that one last swipe up your bum crack or your new dollar bill could totally have skid mark surprise! Be sure to let the clerk at the local drug store know when you’re paying for your items that some of the money you’re giving her has been all over your body. If she gets crabs she can now bet on where it came from! Please be sure to be extra cautious when cleaning your diggleberry or your “hoo hoo hee heee ting tang walla walla bing bang” that you don’t accidentally get a paper cut. A paper cut on your donkey kong jr or your gentlemen greeter is a mistake you only make once, right folks? Thanks Harriet for literally paying me to clean my junk. I give this product 2 penises up (and a little to the left)!
Product # 2 – Having a tough time on deciding what to bring to your friends next summer BBQ? Well wonder no longer because now you have the perfect gift to bring a lot to absolutely any event you’re invited to. A propane tank! Alright! Now you no longer have to awkwardly carry your propane tank like a retarded squirrel trying to carry some rotten nuts back to his tree. Simply place your propane tank into what I like to call its “Terrorist Jacket” and carry it off to the party. While everyone else is boasting about their boring spinach dip and colorful, yet moldy, fruit salad, you’ll be able to show them your propane tank and blow up the whole god damn party all at the same time! Are you new to terrorism? Are you a little leery of dying along with the crowd? Not really buying that “promise” that you’ll be greeted in heaven by 17 virgins? Well don’t feel excluded from you other terrorist buddies any longer because thanks to this handy dandy carrying strap you can swing that propane tank around like you’re performing the hammer toss at the Olympics right from the comfort of your very own backyard! And, wherever it lands guess what? Jihad! Ole! That’s part of the real fun, especially if you don’t have anyone specific you want to target. Even feel free to chant this little terrorist diddy whilst throwing your tank: “Round and round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows, I declare jihad!” Thanks, Harriet, for making terrorism fun again!
Product # 3 – Hey there Willy Whistle! Like blowing things made of stiff wood? Yeah sure, we knew you would. From the looks of ya, you should start practicing early because you’re gonna have a lot of wood in your mouth when you get older. Sure ma and dad are trying to make it into a fun game for you by telling you it’s a “musical instrument” but it starts with that wooden flute and next thing you know they’re sending you to Grandpa’s apartment for a little “whistle blowing” in his old rusty flute. And you know that dust is coming out of that thing. Hmm, I think I may have just crossed a line I never knew I had. Who knew I had boundaries? Apparently not. Anyway, this kid will be the live of the party with his wooden instrument that, somehow, makes magical cartoon notes appear right before his very own green screen! Who needs video games and sports when you there is plenty of wood around the house that needs playing! I would suggest inserting yourself into your own locker. It’ll save time and the bullies will really appreciate you being proactive.