Product # 2 – Do you have some fake pearls, a cartoon gold watch, and about $15.00 in cash to hide and protect? Well take all that stuff out of the waffle box in your freezer because the burglars are getting smarter and know to look there. Wanna know where they don’t look? Well behind electrical outlets of course! Duh! Now make sure you’re placing all your “valuables” into the electrical socket when your young and impressionable kids are watching because they need to learn the lesson that sticking their snotty little fingers into electrical sockets really is a game and is fun too! You never know when there’s secret treasure hidden behind there! You know what helps you find the treasure faster kids? Use a fork or a knife and stick it right in the socket. If you don’t get electrocuted and die, YOU WIN! Oh and what a prize it will be. I mean $15.00 and a cartoon gold watch. You couldn’t dream of much more than that. Hopefully your cartoon burglars aren’t also electricians or you may have a BIG problem on your hands and you’ll be out the $15.00. I know, tough break, but it’s the chance you have to take for security and peace of mind.
Product # 4 – Are you constantly up all night making frequent trips to the bathroom, gentlemen? Do you have a “going problem” like those commercials claim? Well you may not have a going problem, you may have a “growing problem”…meaning your prostate may be growing and forcing you to make multiple bathroom trips per night. Sure there’s medication you can take for this, but you’re white trash and spent all your social security money on a fake electrical outlet safe and remote control gun. All you have left to help you stop taking so many leaks is this handy-dandy “Leak Ender” from Harriet Carter. If it’s good enough for your outdoor hose, it’s good enough for your indoor hose. I mean your penis when I say “indoor hose.” That was clear, right? Anyway, stop the frequent leaks immediately by simply placing your horrific old man penis into this Leak Ender and spin the Leak Ender around and around as if you’re winding a clock. It’s basically the same motion, except this time you’re winding your cock. Circle of life, my friends, circle of life. Once your circulation has been cut off and you’re screaming for Hosanna in the Highest to remove your from this earth you know the Leak Ender is working! Sure you’ve gone blind, have been spitting up blood for 45 minutes, and have been in the fetal position since Sunday, but you’re not peeing are you? Presto! Problem solved and you don’t have the same side effects as those creepy medications. You…are….welcome! Thanks Harriet for curing diseases and keeping my lawn looking green season after season!