Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday mo-fo’s. Just the other week I complained that Harriet needed to update her crapalog and then this week…BAM…new products! By now, you know my life goal of making it into the Harriet Carter catalog. Well, I may not have made it yet, but as you can see from the sponsorship above, I am the new spokesperson for www.JerseySucks.net, a website which discusses the suckiness of New Jersey and also sells some hilarious t-shirts. Be sure to go visit them and buy a t-shirt because part of the proceeds go to charity and by charity I mean me. No joke, I get a percentage. I am technically Failure Model Dude. Operation sell out rules! ANYWAY, this week Harriet brings back Failure Model Chick, helps with your pissing problem, kills television, and protects your $15.00 all at the same time. She is a treat with whorelike qualities and that’s what I like about the beast. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Oh no you didn’t. Oh no you just did not! You did NOT just bring Failure Model Chick back into the Harriet Carter catalog and make her model old man eye glasses!? This, perhaps, is the best day of my life. Where to begin? Well, first and foremost she is absolutely doing her best “Don Knotts from The Incredible Mr Limpet” impersonation and she has it down to a science. As a sidenote, looking at Failure Model Chick in these molester prisoner eyeglasses makes me Mr. Limpet if you know what I mean…and I think ya do….because I’m 12…and a pervert. No joke, I think her lips are photoshopped in and I’m pretty certain that half of her has been animated. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to watch a full feature Failure Model Chick cartoon, but this is a little too much. And why the hell isn’t she looking through the eye glasses. They’re not bifocals, right? Seriously she looks like an 85 yr old man who’s going thin on top. That’s a pretty sweater too. Very youthful. What could she be thinking when they’re shooting her? I assume she’s praying that bullets come flying out of the camera instead of flashes. As a sidenote, 2 Minute Chef hasn’t had any new crapisodes in a while. I hope she’s not out of work. Eh, maybe she’ll turn to porn. Thanks Harriet for making this Wednesday a little extra special for me!
Product # 2 – Do you have some fake pearls, a cartoon gold watch, and about $15.00 in cash to hide and protect? Well take all that stuff out of the waffle box in your freezer because the burglars are getting smarter and know to look there. Wanna know where they don’t look? Well behind electrical outlets of course! Duh! Now make sure you’re placing all your “valuables” into the electrical socket when your young and impressionable kids are watching because they need to learn the lesson that sticking their snotty little fingers into electrical sockets really is a game and is fun too! You never know when there’s secret treasure hidden behind there! You know what helps you find the treasure faster kids? Use a fork or a knife and stick it right in the socket. If you don’t get electrocuted and die, YOU WIN! Oh and what a prize it will be. I mean $15.00 and a cartoon gold watch. You couldn’t dream of much more than that. Hopefully your cartoon burglars aren’t also electricians or you may have a BIG problem on your hands and you’ll be out the $15.00. I know, tough break, but it’s the chance you have to take for security and peace of mind.
Product # 3 – You know what there aren’t enough of out there? Guns. Good old fashion revolvers. Remember, guns are fun and are toys and you should be pointing them at things like televisions in order to change the channel because, well, it just makes sense. Harriet’s house must be like the shootem’ up corral! Put on NBC, BANG! Put on MTV, BANG! Go get me my dinner, bitch…BANG! Oh, and I’m not 100% positive, but I’m going to assume that any form of a remote control isn’t going to change that 1962 black and white television. If you’re purchasing this product, at this point just turn the gun on yourself. No really, it’s ok. You’ve lived a decent life. Sure you throw your money away on pointless items like Gun Remote Controls while there are poor and starving children in this world, but it’s still money well spent. Now use the gun and say hello to my Jesus when you get up there. Anyway, at the very least this remote control gun is a great way to teach the kids that when they don’t like something they see they can simply use a gun to change it and see something else. At the end of the day, just blame Marilyn Manson. I’m sure he’s still relevant, right? Thanks, Harriet, for the bang…and the gun.
Product # 4 – Are you constantly up all night making frequent trips to the bathroom, gentlemen? Do you have a “going problem” like those commercials claim? Well you may not have a going problem, you may have a “growing problem”…meaning your prostate may be growing and forcing you to make multiple bathroom trips per night. Sure there’s medication you can take for this, but you’re white trash and spent all your social security money on a fake electrical outlet safe and remote control gun. All you have left to help you stop taking so many leaks is this handy-dandy “Leak Ender” from Harriet Carter. If it’s good enough for your outdoor hose, it’s good enough for your indoor hose. I mean your penis when I say “indoor hose.” That was clear, right? Anyway, stop the frequent leaks immediately by simply placing your horrific old man penis into this Leak Ender and spin the Leak Ender around and around as if you’re winding a clock. It’s basically the same motion, except this time you’re winding your cock. Circle of life, my friends, circle of life. Once your circulation has been cut off and you’re screaming for Hosanna in the Highest to remove your from this earth you know the Leak Ender is working! Sure you’ve gone blind, have been spitting up blood for 45 minutes, and have been in the fetal position since Sunday, but you’re not peeing are you? Presto! Problem solved and you don’t have the same side effects as those creepy medications. You…are….welcome! Thanks Harriet for curing diseases and keeping my lawn looking green season after season!
