Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday you trash-bags! With the recent extra popularity of my ridiculous The Hills recaps, there have been more newbies visiting IBBB for the first time and have been exposed to Harriet Carter for the first time too. I heart when Harriet exposes herself. So to all you new IBBB fans (Johnny-Come-Lately’s) enjoy all the crap that Harriet is trying to sell to us this week. From a little bratty bitch, to a high-tech security system, to moon sand, and finally a way to make us even lazier…Harriet has us covered. Let’s go….
Product # 1 – You wanna fight with your little brother all the time you little bitch? Good, well then you know where little bitches eat dinner? In the living room all by themselves. Bratty little bitches don’t eat “good person” dinner either. You know what little skanky pain-in-the-ass bitches eat for dinner? Yup, you guessed it. They eat popcorn and they drink juice, apparently out of a bag. You may think this is a reward you troublemaker, but we’ll get the last laugh. You’ll rot out your little bitchy teeth and then will be left toothless. So…still wanna fight with your brother? Oh, you do? Well then good. Be a big bitch in the living room. Alone. And good luck with the monsters that live under the couch. Yes, I know I told you they didn’t exist, but they do. And you know what monsters like? Correct! Little bitchy douche-bag pain in the ass troublemakers who eat popcorn and drink juice out of a bag. P.S. You’re adopted and your mother used to be a man. Best wishes in therapy.
Product # 2 – Have you been burglarized by cartoon characters? Well if so, now Harriet Carter has found the BEST place for you to hide your valuable possessions where no burglar would ever think to look…in an oversiz-ed plastic book that says “ATLAS” on it. Seriously, who even owns an Atlas anymore? Now make sure you place that Atlas in between your other 1955 encyclopedia’s because no burglar will ever think to look there. Wow, and look what valuable possessions they’re hiding in that Atlas. Hmmm, let’s see. Looks like they’re hiding a couple of $20.00 bills, some gold costume jewelry, and a stick in a bag. Yeah, don’t let the burglars find that pot of gold you have hiding up on the shelf! As soon as I get Harriet Carters home address I’m taking a trip and I’m finding that Atlas.
Product # 3 – Enjoy confusing the piss out of your kids? Harriet too! She’s now selling some “moon sand.” Wow, what a real hoot. Hmm, is the moon really red and blue? That’s confusing. It actually looks like what Papa Smurf would look like if he were cremated. Oh God forbid. Papa Smurf will live forever. I have no idea what the point of this crap is and I don’t care to learn. All I know is that will today’s massive drug epidemic the last thing I’m gonna want to have my kids play with is anything that’s a powdery substance. Just Say No to Harriet!
Product # 4. Hi Carol! Hi Bob! How are you guys? Lazy I bet! And fat too? Probably. Playing cards I see. Fun! What’s the matter with your hands? Why are you so lazy that you can’t even hold your cards? Funny, your hands are strong enough to cut hundreds of coupons a day and dig through your pocket so that you can pay for all your groceries in loose change. Interesting. Hey Carol. Hey Bill. Bill! I’m over here. Look, unless you have a hook as a hand be a man and hold your own playing cards or don’t play at all. What? I’m just trying to help. Bill, I don’t want you looking like a big girl in front of Carol. I mean, you’re kind of already crapping your pants in front of her. Hasn’t Carol suffered enough? Carol, I changed my mind. You can use the card holder. You’ve suffered enough getting slapped around by Bill during your marriage in the 50’s. You remember? During Bill’s “drinking days.” Ahhh that’s right. It’s all coming back to you now. Thanks Harriet for bringing Bill and Carol back together. Gin!