Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday. It seems like just 7 days ago it was Harriet Carter Wednesday. That was a trick math question. It was 7 days ago. You guys are the worst at math. This week Harriet talks from her pussy….cat, helps a little boys teeth rot out, drys her sweaters in the bathtub, and has her office laughing for seconds with a cup that, wait for it….wait for it, has a nose on it. A nose! Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Hey crazy! Do you ever hear sounds coming for your favorite little pussy and you don’t know what it’s trying to say to you? Besides the “clean me” I’m sure it’s shouting since you are a slam pig, your pussy may be trying to tell you many things that you just can’t understand. Well now thanks to this exclusive book from the Harriet Carter crapalog titled, “Cat Talk. What Your Cat is Trying to Tell You” you can now fully understand your pussy. Learn such great tips as cleaning your pussy, giving it a trim, brushing it, hugging it, wrapping a collar around it, feeding it sausage, showing it off to your friends, helping it sleep, getting the fleas out of it, checking it for cobwebs, letting a mouse play with it, teaching it how to wink, and a whole lot more! Now I typically don’t judge a book by its cover, but the old lady on this book really seems to love her pussy. She’s gently placing her hands all over it and smiling with delight. I’m sure that smile will turn into squeals if she treats it too rough or, if somehow, her pussy starts to fight back. I believe it’s called the “circle of life” but isn’t it interesting that this ladies pussy is starting to look more and more like her? Its hair is starting to turn grey and white too. Life really imitates art (whatever the hell that means). Now I’ve never seen a pussy that close to the boobs before, but maybe that’s what happens when you get to a certain age. Reverse gravity? Anyway, I’m not sure you really need a book to tell you what a cat is thinking. I assume it typically thinks, “I’m hungry. Now I’m going to lick my crotch. Now I’m going to chase that piece of lint. Now I’m going to lick my crotch again. Now I’m going to go back to licking my crotch.” I’m pretty sure that’s all they do and think. Thanks, Harriet, for making this blog post “Old Lady Pussy Approved!” Meow!
Product # 2 – Hey there Skippy! You must be lucky to live in the Thompson household where your parents couldn’t give a crap about you and allow you to draw while you should be eating breakfast! You mom and dad care enough to serve you Fruity Pebbles, or what looks like a bowl of candy, for breakfast….and without a spoon. That’s sweet of them. I guess you don’t really need your teeth anyway….or love for that matter. Feel free to use your snotty hands as a shovel to feed yourself breakfast! So whatcha drawing there Skippy? Is that supposed to be a car because it looks like a retarded rollerskate with a busted wheel and one eye. Oh, and since when are cars as big as flowers? Maybe that’s what your brain tells you to draw since it’s malformed from being given a diet of Fruity Pebbles and chalk. I guess no really harm is done, since the sun that you drew is big enough to kill the rollerskate, the flower, and probably you. And what are you smiling at? Pay more attention to what you’re drawing and less attention to the person who’s trying to take a natural picture of you, stupid. Oh, and no offense “Mr. Creativity” but you’re given like 6 different colors to choose from, so good job making everything the same color in your drawing, Einstein. Maybe everything is “white” in your world, Captain Racist, but in our world there are many colors and that’s a good thing. Well, since your parents don’t give a crap about you, maybe I can give you some helpful advice. Eat and the breakfast table and that’s it. Don’t sing, don’t draw, don’t watch TV, don’t do your homework….just eat. No wonder the Chinese are smarter than us. They create these games for you to buy to dumb down your kid.
Product # 3 – Have you ever wondered where a safe and dry place would be to dry your cashmere sweaters? Well look no further because the answer was right under your nose the whole time. Clearly, the best place to dry these things would be to place them over your bathtub. Yeah, that place is 100% dry since water is never associated with the bathtub or the shower. I’m not kidding about this, this really is a product and this is where they tell you to put it. However don’t fret, consumers, if you live in a trailer and don’t have a bathtub (and you probably do live in a trailer if you’re buying this) I’ve found some other places where you can safely dry your sweaters too! Dry them at such place as: your backyard swimming pool, the car wash, a baseball field when they’re watering the grass, a wishing well, the aquarium, outside anywhere in Seattle or London, or on the top of an umbrella. I’m a little disappointed that Harriet hasn’t updated the sweaters she wears since she went to the sock hop or when she was an original cast member of Archie and Jughead.
Product # 4 – Uh oh! Prank alert! Want to have your co-workers laughing for, literally, under 2 seconds? Do you think the whoopie cushion and the remote control fart machine are jokes of the past? Well does Harriet have quite the prank for you! Picture it. You walk into the office kitchen and go and grab a cup of water. You position yourself next to your co-workers who are sitting down enjoying their Smart Ones for lunch and you tilt your head back and start to drink….all while showing off the nose and mustache that’s on the side of the cup. Your co-workers will look stunned at first because they’ll think you really have a big nose and mustache, but after 25 minutes pass and they understand the prank you just pulled on them they’ll be laughing until the 5:00 whistle goes off! If I was there watching you I’d be more surprised this chick wasn’t wearing fake hands because I’m pretty sure she has a case of the “Man Hands.” If she really wanted to kick it up a notch she’d trade in that bushy mustache for a Hitler mustache and she’d tattoo a Swastika on her forehead. I mean, if you’re going to pull an office prank you might as well do it right and get escorted out by HR and the police at the end of your “performance.” Thanks, Harriet, for making work pranks fun again. Nosebody nose this better than you! Shit I am funny with that last sentence.