I love it when Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday coincides with a major holiday. Today, Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday turns into Happy Harriet Carter 4th of July! For those of you in other countries that read this, the “4th of July” is a US holiday in which we celebrate Jesus rising from the dead on the 3rd day and then riding the May Flower to discover America and cure Polio. It’s a very big day for us.
I’m also excited because Harriet finally added some new products to her beloved crapalog. And, to my surprise, “failure model chick” made the cut and is featured in one of our product reviews today. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Are you stupid and not funny? For some ridiculous reason do you need to have a picture of a monkey on your alarm clock? Well today is your lucky day because now you can have a monkey alarm clock wake you up each and every day. Although, if you’re ridiculous enough to buy this I’m going to go with the assumption that you’re unemployed, which makes me wonder why you really need to wake up anyway. Although, that’s a whole different discussion. The best part is the description that comes with the clock. It says, “Wacky Monkey Alarm Clock will amuse even the grumpiest sleepyhead! You’ll wake up laughing to the “oo-oo-oo-oo-ahh-ha-ha…” Really? I think I’d wake up pissed off. By the way, Harriet is a pervert. Only she would name this clock “Wacky Monkey.” Yeah, we know what you’re getting at, you pig. As a side note, don’t monkeys throw crap at each other? Now that’s what should happen when your alarm goes off.
Product # 2 – I present to you: The Return of “Failure Model Chick.” And what better way to bring her back into our lives than having her on her back with her boobs to the wind! This “back archer” is supposed to be great after long car rides to get your back feeling good again. Why does Harriet always feel like car rides are the devil? She has more crap that is supposed to make your car ride all that much better. Just sit there and shut up about it. What do you think “failure model chick” is thinking when she was taking these photos? Actually, she’s probably thinking, “This is exactly how I got this gig.” She uses the word “gig” because she’s in the “business.” With Harriet adding many more products to her crapalog, we are sure to see much more of “failure model chick” in the coming weeks and years!
Product # 3 – Well it is the 4th of July after all, so why not really dazzle your friends at your 4th of July party with this snappy shirt. What you can’t see is that this t-shirt actually lights up. I know, awesome right? I mean, sure there will be thousands of dollars of real fireworks going off in the sky, but nobody will be paying attention to those. Nope. Everyone will be gathered around your shirt staring at the colored bulbs dimly flickering on and off. With any luck you’ll somehow get electrocuted while wearing this and put an end to your miserable miserable life. Clearly Harriet thinks you’re too stupid to know this, so she makes sure to inform you that you must remove the batteries and bulbs before washing. Washing? Isn’t wearing this once, enough? Happy 4th of July, Harriet! Whore.
Product # 4 – More t-shirts with awkwardly unfunny sayings. Let your sister know what a big bitch she really is with this shirt. In case you can’t see it, it says “My Sister and I Are Like Twins (she’s the evil one).” Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. You’re friends will be laughing for literally nano-seconds. Just make sure you take a cue from these dumb bitches and point at each other when you and your white-trash sister are wearing these t-shirts. Does the sister in the right picture look like her head is way too tiny? She actually looks like the evil one. No joke. She looks like she would stab the one on the left. Regardless, both of these sisters are ridiculous. And what’s with the smile with the one on the left? I still don’t understand why they can’t retake the picture when it doesn’t come out right. It’s like everyone gets one shot, one photo, and that’s it. I feel like they take these with a disposable camera and then develop them at Walgreens.