It’s time for my favorite segment, “Happy Harriet Carter Day!” Thanks to everyone for their support of the Harriet Carter segment. Who knew that cheap crap could really bring people together?!? Let’s dive right into it!
Photo # 1 – Have you ever been walking down the street and had a wild dog with rabies foaming at the mouth just for you? Are you usually not into it so much? Well lucky for you Harriet Carter has has a major technological breakthrough. By just pushing this little button you can freeze a wild dog right in its tracks! Ok, so let me get this right. If I run into a dog that literally looks like it is Satan’s puppy I should reach for my remote control that I just happen to carry with me wherever I go and press the button? Yeah, I’m actually not looking to Tivo that dog, I’m just trying to stay alive. By the time I can get that huge friggin remote out of my pocket the dog would have clearly already bitten off both arms and working on my second leg. Yeah, I’m not sure if I trust this $19.99 security system. I may not be a rocket scientist (although I actually am), but I think that I would be a little better off with a gun then a remote control. Thanks Harriet, but I’ll pass on this one.
Photo # 2 – Hey ladies, do you think that your bedroom may be missing a little something? Looking to really set the mood with your husband? Well look no further because now you can have your very own Harley Davidson Ceiling Fan! I know, you’re pissed that you’ve already registered for your wedding and shower and never got a chance to put this on the list. But fret no more because Harriet Carter is covering your ass on this one. I mean, imagine looking up at the ceiling at night and seeing flames swirling over your head. If it’s good enough for Lucifer’s house it certainly is good enough for yours! I’m not sure why in this photo there are dead trees in the background, but I’ll assume the flames from the fan burnt the leaves right off those trees. I can’t wait for Christmas. I know a few people who are totally going see this under the tree!
Photo # 3 – Do you ever like to just destroy things just for the hell of it? Well so does this lady! Does getting out of the car by simply pulling the handle seem a little “boring” to you. Me too! Thanks again Harriet Carter! Now getting out of the car doesn’t have to be so old-fashioned anymore. All you need to do is use this trusty little tool. First, pull into your driveway. Second, take this tool and use the razor end to slice the seat belt off of you (don’t just press the buckle like an animal). Third, take the other end of this tool and break the window. Finally, shimmy yourself out the window and through the broken glass. Don’t worry about the cuts and blood. That’s nothing the hospital can’t quickly fix! In just 4 short hours you’ll be back home and watching TV sipping on water and popping Vicodin. Ok, so maybe I could think of a reason why you would need something like this, but this lady totally is safe. I mean, there aren’t any flames, her car isn’t smoking, she hasn’t been in a crash, it’s a sunny day, and I think I see kids playing hopscotch in the background.
Photo # 4 – Are you struggling to tell your kids that grandma is dead this year? I know, but don’t spoil the surprise by just walking up to their bedroom and telling them. Wait until Christmas and fill in the whole family with this stylish and descriptive Christmas Tree ornament. In case you can’t read what is says (even though you already clicked on the photo) let me fill you in. It says, “I Love You All Dearly, Now Don’t Shed a Tear, I’m Spending My Christmas with Jesus This Year.” Ohhhh, isn’t that sweet. Just imagine the precious look on your children’s faces when they scurry down the stairs on Christmas morning and race towards their gifts. You interrupt by saying, “Oh Jenny and Davey before you open those gifts look at the little note that grandma left for you. It’s over there on the tree.” The kids will really appreciate grandma taking the time to write them all the way from Heaven and the smiles will last all morning even after they open their Tickle Me Elmo. Thanks Harriet Carter for literally bringing Christmas to its knees!
Well, that wraps up another segment of “Happy Harriet Carter Day!” See you next week!