Why Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday boys and girls. And skanks. Boys, girls, and skanks. And pervs. Boys, girls, skanks, and pervs. Yup, that covers it. I have a confession to make. Sometimes when sifting through the HC crapalog I sometimes see products that I actually kinda want. I mean, I’m not discussing any of those today, but once in a blue whore, I see something and I think, “I’d use that once and throw it away.” Then I realize I’m talking to myself, so I stop. Anytrash, this week Harriet turns birds into Jesus’, gets witty with her latest t-shirt, and helps you to organize and skankify your life. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Chirp! Crap! Chirp! Crap! Hey there old ladies sitting in your trailer dressed up in your house coat and ripped stockings (yes, stockings), ever wish that you could look at plastic birds flying directly into your window all the live-long day? Can’t afford the LSD or meth do make you see these birds? Well if you’ve answered “yes,” “huh,” or “burp” to any of these questions does Harriet have the product for you! Introducing magnetic plastic-like hummingbirds that you literally stick to the inside and…wait for it….wait for it…outside of your window so that it looks like half the God-damn bird is inside your trailer and the other half, well, it’s outside your trailer window of course! You can just sit on your rusty Futon and let your mangy cat lick your rickety old crotch whilst you gaze at these birds that defy all odds and survive a “bird-to-window” crash. Heck, those must be Jesus’ birds! A miracle from God himself! While the description tells you to “place these lovely magnetic ‘hummers’ on any window….” it’s actually a great tip for you because you’ll have to start giving out ‘hummers’ just to afford these birds. As the old saying goes, “It’s either birds or food.” Sure that’s not a saying, but I believe it to be true. Thanks, Harriet, for bringing us Jesus’ birds from Heaven. Ole!
Product # 2 – (in my best Oprah voice impersonation) Who’s ready to get skankified???? That’ right ladies, now thanks to this Whore Machine you can keep your skank-face-paint and other slut-like products organized in one place. You can easily place all your whore-red lipsticks into little compartments so that you’re not left with “messy whore face.” This Whore Machine also comes equipped with a genuine battery operated clock so that you not only know how much time it takes to turn your “plain Jane face” into a “Sultry Skanky Susan” face, but also keeps you right on time to get to your next trick. Remember ladies in the street walking profession, on-time is late and 5 minutes early is on-time. Words to live by, really. I may not be a makeup expert, but I think they’re even leaving you room to store two sets of birth control pills (or “Bangin’ Without Worry Candy” as I like to call ’em) and a compartment for your wallet so that after you finish your $2 dollar sucky sucky you have a place to immediately store your money. You’re like a real life business woman now in the business world. What recession? Thanks Harriet!
Product # 3 – Feel like you’re too popular in the office? Want to bring your “likability level” down a couple thousand notches? Well I’ve found a “cute-as-a-button” way for you to do just that. All you need to do is toss on this (probably highly flammable) t-shirt with a catchy saying that says just how your feel. Pout. Pout. Pout. It says, “Don’t Talk to Me Before I’ve Had My Coffee…Actually Don’t Talk to Me Then Either!” Laugh. Do you guys get it? Basically the person wearing this shirt doesn’t want you to talk to them before OR after they’ve had their coffee! Wait a minute, when are we supposed to be able to talk to them, then? I guess they don’t want anyone talking to them at all! Hahahahaha! Brilliant! What will Harriet think of next!? Even the description of this t-shirt is filled with slapstic sass, or “slass.” The slassy description says such funny things as, “Alert blabbermouth’s you’re in no mood for “cawfee tawk.” Get it? Just like that skit on Saturday Night Live when Mike Myers used to play Linda Richman on “Coffee Talk.” What are the odds?!?! It also says it’ll stop “chitterchatters” and “motormouths.” Chitterchatters? Blabbermouths? Motormouths? Now did Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch write this description….or someone else? Please, give Oliver the credit he deserves! Thanks, Harriet, for helping us to “keep the peace” especially in XL sizes with, clearly, XL sized jokes!
I have to admit, I’ve had more fun with this weeks Harriet Carter review than I’ve had in months. I feel reborn!