Photo # 1 – Where to begin, where to begin? There’s so much, really. First off, let’s go with the t-shirt well before we even begin to comment on this little girl. “What happens at Grandma’s Stays at Grandma’s.” Um, yeah. Is Grandma in Cancun on spring break, because that’s the only time I’ve ever really heard that expression used. What does happen at grandma’s? Is this girl getting abused by grandma and the t-shirt is just a friendly little reminder to keep her mouth shut? If so, I say “run little girl, run!” Don’t let grandma bully you anymore! On the other hand, this little girl actually looks like what happens at grandma’s. It looks like grandma brushes her granddaughters hair with an egg-beater and then sprays 2 cans of AquaNet all over it….and then she wets it with the hose. Then, she takes that hose and hits this little girl in the eye. Seriously, I can only imagine what these “Harriet Carter photo shoots” must be like. I may not be a professional photographer, but all they really need to do was look at the picture and then say to themselves, “You know what? We should totally take this over again.” It really is that simple. Again, if this little girl is “what happens at grandma’s” then stay the hell away from grandma’s. They would have been better off putting that shirt on a dead woodchuck and taking the picture. Ok ok, I’ll be roasting in hell if you need me. Let’s move on.
Haircutting has never been easier and it never looked more fun! Nothing says “$100.00 haircut” quite like that contraption. That’s actually what it is; a contraption. I can almost hear this dude saying to his wife, “Honey can you give me a haircut?” And then she replies back, “Sure, honey, get the contraption.” What a complete horror show. This guy makes me so mad I hope he goes bald and then they can throw away that contraption.
Have you ever been walking down the street and had a wild dog with rabies foaming at the mouth just for you? Are you usually not into it so much? Well lucky for you Harriet Carter has has a major technological breakthrough. By just pushing this little button you can freeze a wild dog right in its tracks! Ok, so let me get this right. If I run into a dog that literally looks like it is Satan’s puppy I should reach for my remote control that I just happen to carry with me wherever I go and press the button? Yeah, I’m actually not looking to Tivo that dog, I’m just trying to stay alive. By the time I can get that huge friggin remote out of my pocket the dog would have clearly already bitten off both arms and working on my second leg. Yeah, I’m not sure if I trust this $19.99 security system. I may not be a rocket scientist (although I actually am), but I think that I would be a little better off with a gun then a remote control. Thanks Harriet, but I’ll pass on this one.
Do you ever like to just destroy things just for the hell of it? Well so does this lady! Does getting out of the car by simply pulling the handle seem a little “boring” to you. Me too! Thanks again Harriet Carter! Now getting out of the car doesn’t have to be so old-fashioned anymore. All you need to do is use this trusty little tool. First, pull into your driveway. Second, take this tool and use the razor end to slice the seat belt off of you (don’t just press the buckle like an animal). Third, take the other end of this tool and break the window. Finally, shimmy yourself out the window and through the broken glass. Don’t worry about the cuts and blood. That’s nothing the hospital can’t quickly fix! In just 4 short hours you’ll be back home and watching TV sipping on water and popping Vicodin. Ok, so maybe I could think of a reason why you would need something like this, but this lady totally is safe. I mean, there aren’t any flames, her car isn’t smoking, she hasn’t been in a crash, it’s a sunny day, and I think I see kids playing hopscotch in the background.
“Do-It-Yourself Living Will Kit in case you become incapacitated or terminally ill. Legally binding, specific instructions inform family and physicians of your intention to “die with dignity” if nothing more can be done medically. Protects family from this agonizing decision. Takes only minutes to complete.”
Haha I LOVE this. “Die with dignity?” Seriously, you just filled in a do-it-yourself will. How much dignity can you have? What are you really planning on leaving your family? If this is your legally binding will your items you will probably leave to your family will consist of the following: ketchup, old bowling shoes, three # 2 pencils, a tin-foil ball, and mousetraps. This thing only takes minutes to complete. Now you know it’s official! I hope Harriet fills this out. I wonder what she’ll leave me? I hope something that has to do with horses. R.I.P.