Be My Valentine Harriet Carter!

Are you kidding? You know how psyched I was when I realized that Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday would take place directly on Valentine’s Day! So, therefore, Harriet Carter is officially my Valentine, but she can be yours too! Let’s go!

Product # 1 (repeat) So what does Harriet have up her sleeve for this Valentine’s Day? Ladies, did you ever want to dip your stanky putanky in chocolate? Gentlemen, have you have wanted to place your junk in dark chocolate? Well you’re in luck because now you can have your naughty bits wrapped in chocolaty goodness thanks to Harriet Carter’s Chocolate Thong. Just picturing Harriet in her chocolate thong did make me throw up in my mouth a little……oooops there it is again. Ok, I’m back. If we look at these thongs it actually says on the thong for the dude, “I have a heart on for you,” and for the ladies the thong says, “Eat your heart out.” Just think about how sexy that’s going to be once things start to heat up in the bedroom. Nothing is hotter to see on a chick than melted chocolate around her ass. “Honey, is that melted chocolate or have you just shit yourself?” Hot, I know! I realllly like it to look like actual crap all over her body. What would happen if an old lady wore this? Do you think the chances are greater that it actually is crap on her ass? Yes, I age discriminate. Thanks Harriet for slutting up the holidays like never before!

Product # 2 – With a snowstorm facing many of us in the Northeast today, I only found it fitting to focus on the “front steps rug.” Yes, rug. I mean nothing looks as white trash as an actual rug, that belongs inside your house, outside of your house. I guess it’s supposed to be safe on the ice, but I don’t buy it. I mean, it may cushion your fall as you trip over that and fall down the stairs but is it really safe? And, what are you supposed to do when actual snow gets on it? Do you go out and shovel the rug? I say you should just vacuum the snow off of it. Don’t worry about the electrocution…it’ll just keep you warm during that cold winter day. In typical Harriet Carter style, the pictures couldn’t be more dramatic. Whose stairs actually get that icy? Seriously, that’s like 15 inches of ice on each step. Ridiculous. Even Santa’s front stairs aren’t that icy. Thanks for white-trashing up the neighborhood Harriet!

Product # 3 – Are you looking to hit a new level of “cheap?” Of course you are! What are you planning on getting your kids for Valentine’s Day? How about half of the piano they’ve been begging for? Sure! Imagine how excited your kids are going to be when you yell out, “honey go play the table!” Seriously? What crap. You literally basically “play the table.” This roll-away piano pad from hell doesn’t even plug in. It takes 3 AAA batteries. And what the hell are those notes for? Is that supposed to be “sound” coming out of the piano? Do the kids know this isn’t technically a cartoon piano, right? Wait. Maybe this is a brilliant invention! No one ever ends up playing the piano for that long and the piano just collects dust. Now with this roll up piano when your kids don’t play it anymore you can simply just roll up the piano and beat your kids with it! Brilliant!