What an awesome Harriet Carter Wednesday this is! Are you wondering why? Well that would be because Harriet has just officially released her summer crap! Thank God! As you’ll be able to see, Harriet is still into death, bad t-shirts, dangerous products, and little kids. I also wanted to take this opportunity to thank Kelley from Palm Coast, Florida who emailed me last week to let me know that her brother is over in Afghanistan fighting the war on terror and him and his buddies are reading my Harriet Carter crapalog posts each week. Thanks guys for fighting over there so that jackasses like me can continue to write this junk. Does this mean that I’m helping with the war too? I think I am. Stay safe and hurry home. There are many new products in the crapalog that you should be testing out! Let’s go….
Product # 1 – This spring/summer Harriet has found more comforting words to share with you as you mourn the loss of your loved one. Let’s see what this one says. “God Saw Her Getting Tired, a Cure Not Meant to Be, so He Put His Arms Around Her and Whispered, ‘Come With Me.'” Uhhhh, yeah that is horrific. Look, God is busy, really busy. I’m not sure He has the time to spend in the science lab discovering cures for diseases, but I am positive that He would never say that. Oh, and I doubt God speaks in rhymes. Why is Harriet so morbid? I’m waiting for the “accident ornament.” I suspect it will say something like, “Ouch I Bet That Tree Really Hurt Especially When Your Body Flew into the Dirt. I Know, I Know You May Beg and Beg, But I Am Your Doctor and Must Cut Off Your Leg.” See? I totally need to be in the Harriet Carter crapalog. Thanks Harriet for making death so hot this summer!
Product # 2 – Woo-hoo! Look who’s back! It’s “failure model chick!” You may remember her from older Harriet Carter products such as, “trapped in the car and need to break free,” and also, “ouch I have back pain and need lightning bolts to straighten me out.” Oh, and who could forget my personal favorite, “wearing a pig hat on my head.” Yup, “failure model chick” is back and this time she is the life of the party with a little drinking problem. Now you too can sport the good old fashioned “Is it 5:00 Yet?” t-shirt. Lucky you. Look how hysterical that shirt is. Do you get the joke? Let me explain it to you. You see, this t-shirt is supposed to let people know that you’ve had such a hectic day that you are ready to get your drink on. Funny, right? Yeah, didn’t think so. Not only is “failure model chick” wearing the shirt with the martini glass on it, but look….she’s also holding a martini. “Failure model chick” is so funny. I suspect she is about 3 more martini’s away from taking a permanent dirt nap. Good luck “failure model chick.” We’ll miss you. Now go into the light.
Product # 3 – Is yard work just a little too difficult for you? Are you tired of trying to spray weed killer on your weeds? Is that not really getting rid of them? Well, you’re in luck because Harriet Carter has assembled this handy dandy fire torch. Yes, fire torch. Now you can literally burn the weeds right off your property. Hmmm, that’s safe right? But don’t stop just there because the actual description says it’s good for getting rid of tree stumps too! Alright!! Yeah, I guess Harriet Carter finally cracked the scientific code and discovered that “fire” destroys things. Wow, she’s wicked smaaaaht. I say don’t just stop with the tree stump either. Bring it to the next level. Are you looking to “get rid” of your car? Don’t sell it, just burn it! Looking to remodel your house? Don’t be “stupid” and hire a construction team, just use this fire torch and burn it to the ground. This innovative tool is perfect for almost any insurance scam. Hell, even let the kids get creative with it! Thanks Harriet for this science breakthrough!