Product # 2 – Let me tell ya, with today’s tough economic climate the first thing I would cut back on would be anything relating to my dog. In fact, I’d probably sign my dog up to box other dogs (or donkeys) in Tijuana for rent money. Santa Christ may be making his list and checking it twice, but little Sparky is sure to get the shaft this Christmas season. However, if you have a heart, unlike me, you can give your dog some delicious doggie cookies in all of his favorite flavors such as, Balls, Cat Crotch, Other Dog Balls, Doggie a-holes, the Toilet, the Kitty-Litter Box, More Balls, and special this Christmas season is “Owners Vaginastein with that Familiar Peanut Butter Flavor (and you know what I’m talking about, pervs). Act now and you’ll also be sent some Valentine’s Day Doggie Cookies in such great flavors as, Doggie’s Own Vomit, Other Dogs Vomit, The Piss Trickling Down the Fire Hydrant, and Fresh Tinsel Hanging From Doggie’s Anus. Yum! Nothing says Merry Christmas quite like this. It’s like tea-bagging little Sparky all year round! Thanks, Harriet, for taste-testing each cookie before it’s delivered!
Product # 3 – Ho ho ho, stupid! You better hurry up your dumb ass and write your illegible letter to Santa Christ because he can’t wait to get your “Urgent” letter so early in the year. I mean, sure there are other more pressing things going on but your letter should be pushed right to the top of his pile. I think it’s great that Mommy and Daddy are spending the time with you on how to address envelopes. I’m sure it’ll get there ASAP especially since you’ve appropriately labeled it “To Santa Claus – North Pole.” Maybe Jesus Claus will be as thoughtful to you when he delivers your gifts to “To Jimmy – USA.” Oh, and Jimmy? Yeah, I’m not sure if you knew that the price of stamps continues to rise, but I’m pretty sure sticking a picture of a candy cane where the stamp “should” go really will qualify as the price for urgent “air mail.” At this point you’re better off rolling up your letter and putting it in one of those beer bottles that your drunken father threatens your cheating mother with every Saturday and Sunday night. Then just toss the bottle into the ocean or flush it down the toilet when you “bury your fish” because I’m confident the path to “Fish Heaven” starts in your drain pipes. Finally, Jimmy, I hope that you weren’t a greedy bastard this year when writing your letter and asked for all toys because since Mommy and Daddy have to help cover the $750 Billion Dollar Bailout you’re better off asking Santa Christ to bring you oil, gas, and electricity. Hope you like home-schooling, Jimmy, because that’s what I see in your future. Ho ho ho! Love, Harriet Claus.