I typically can’t watch Dancing With Them There Stars because it, literally, makes me want to force myself to try back-flips for the first time on the edge of the roof of my apartment building all whilst pigeons do Shasta McNasty on me and little girls repeatedly try to kick me in the Ding Ding. Have I said too much?
This week, however, I’m able to watch my little Oddy Pats dance her teeth off to the theme song of, you guessed it, The Hills. Somewhere in the jungle of Costa Rica, Heidi’s almost-H’s are rolling over in their reality stars of yesteryear grave.
The main judge, you know, the one who looks like the old man pedophile on Family Guy is doing some montage to all of Audrina’s wondrous dancing moments. And then. He says it. He says what no person on television, the education system, or corporate America has ever said about Audrina Francis Elizabeth Patridge. He said, “…and she’s got real talent!” Really, old man? Really? I can’t believe comments like this are happening right now and Lauren’s not even here. It just seems so selfish. You’re selfish, you’re self-centered. All you care about is yourself.
For me, the best part of all of this was in the pre-dance interview when Audrina was wearing her standard nasty knit hat/beret. Brilliant. It’s like all my Hills memories are coming right back to me. I’m just waiting for Justin Bobby to come crashing into the studio with his motorcycle and silver sparkly disco-ball helmet. Eh, maybe next time.
Now it’s time for her dance. Well, looks like we don’t have to worry about interpretive dance or symbolism because they are literally starting the dance the way Audrina was “randomly discovered” on said Hills by sitting her on a lounge chair under an umbrella…in a bikini. The only difference from then as opposed to now is double the rack and half the teeth. Also, Audrina is apparently draped in LC’s meat-curtains so I guess there was some symbolism tossed in there after all.
They totally should have had Heidi running in the background chasing seagulls with her arms flailing about whilst Spencer/Steve Sanders recorded it all with his “cam-corder.” Also, I’m not even sure why The Hills didn’t just use Teefs Pats dancing for their intro as she is now, like an angel. An angel who is dead behind the eyes. An angel who may or may not be part of the living. An angel who keeps spreading her legs and leaning forward with her rack-attack almost dangling in the wind. An angel.
In the end the judge who is borderline a registered sex offender told Audrina to not be plastic, but be fantastic. Can you deduct points for plastic parts? If so, deduct 4.
Oddy Pats scored a 23. I don’t know what that means. The end.
Breaking: Alert IBBB reader and TV screen picture taker, Lisa, emailed me to let me know that Maci and Kyle from Teen Mom were in the crowd sans Bint-Lee. Seriously, how did these two make it into the crowd but Amber and her “sexy dancing” didn’t?! I demand a recount…if it’s one of those situations.