I'm Not Watching "Dancing With the Stars" Until This is the Exact Lineup. Exact.


Everyone seems to lose their stinky-bottoms over Dancing With the Stars.  Not me.  Partially because I’m dead inside and partially because I typically couldn’t give a crap over their cast.  So I prayed on it a lot.  A LOT.  Jesus spoke to me, you guys.  And do you know what He said?  He said, “Stop bothering me.”  He also said, “Create your own cast.”  Jesus rules (literally).  So I will not be watching the show until these people are the new cast.  Sure, some of them are taking lengthy dirt-naps, but I think if you want it bad enough they’ll come alive.  Here’s my cast….

1.  Sam from “Different Strokes” – Sam was always getting into a lot of hijinks and I think he could breathe new life into the show.  Plus, Mr Drummond would probably drive him to the set in a flashy limo.  Because of that show I always used to pray that a limo would take me to school.  Prayers unanswered.

2.  Pearl from 227 – I mean, come on.  This one doesn’t even need to be sold.  I would prefer if Pearl would dance on the same stoop she sat on during 227….or from the window….whatever is easier for her.

3.  Harriet Carter – that’s right, I said it.   I would, however, require her to wear 74.9% of her products all at the same time while she showed us her Cha-Cha.  Oh!

4.  Kevin McHale – because the Celtics ruled then and, to me, they still rule.  F-off, Sully.

5.  Papouli from Full House – this is an easy one too.  Just think, he was teaching Michelle to do a “special dance” right before he peaced out of planet earth.  He would be allowed to toss flour around the dance floor and be as Greek as he can possibly be.  Oopa!

6.  Nell Carter from Gimme a Break – She would be required to dance with that scale that she used to try to break during the open credits of the show.  To this day I have no idea how that scale worked.

7.  The “After These Messages, We’ll Be Right Back” Claymation Singers from ABC Sunday Morning Cartoons – Not only could these clay people sing and dance, they could also pop off their heads and end up on someone elses shoulders.  Bonus points for that, I assume.

8.  The Noid from Domino’s Pizza – Why not.  He may get voted out early or he could be the dark horse.  Think about it now, decide later.

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