Did you know The Hills was over? Did you know that I was crazy? Do you know that The Hills never ends when you’re crazy? It’s easier that way. Here’s what I can only assume would have happened in the next crapisode of The Hills…had it continued. Let’s run this up the flagpole and see if it waves.
• We kicks things off with the whole Douche Bag Brigade picking shards of glass out of Kristin’s face and arms. Apparently they weren’t joking with that whole “Kristin is on drugs” thing, as she crashed through the front window of Brody’s condo in a meth-related binge and fell out onto the street.
• Meanwhile, Heidi and Steve Sanders are back from their “2 month hiatus.” Heidi was busy getting her “H’s” put in, but to all of our surprise she also had her horses d*ck from Crested Butte attached to just the left of her vaginastein so that the next time America tells Heidi to go F herself she can actually do it. Way to be proactive.
• Steve Sanders, on the other hand, was busy wrapping up his molestation trial with Enzo. I hope those two crazy kids really make it work together one day…in 14 more years. Also, it’s nice to see Spencer’s Santa pubes shine under the lighting in court.
• It’s the night of Audrina’s big party to celebrate her reuniting with Justin Bobby. I think it’s sweet that no one has told her that J Bob was just run down by an 18-wheeler whilst riding his motorcycle. Luckily he was wearing his shiny silver disco ball helmet so the doctors think the brain damage will be minimal. Little do they know he was always like that.
• Surprise of the Night Alert: Lauren just showed up to Audrina’s and brought her mustache as her date. Scandal! I wonder what J Wahl will think!
• Audrina seems pissed that LC crashed the party. We know this because her top lip has, once again, gone into hiding. The search party will start an all out search with her gums and work their way back to her 12 year old molars to see if her lip is hiding out there.
• Oh, hey Lo! I’m really loving Lo’s storyline of her moving in with her boyfriend. I’m kidding. It sucks. He looks like a Level Three.
• Stacie the Pointless Bartender and Kristin are blowing off Audrina’s party and are heading up the coast to see if they can bang complete strangers in towns that don’t have televisions…or teeth for that matter. Kristin just passed her meth pipe to Stacie the Pointless Bartender and she mixed a Mojito in it. Hmm, maybe she’s not just a pointless bartender after all. I’m kidding. She is.
• Stephanie Pratt is getting help from Holly Ethel Mertz Montag on updating her resume. She has a big interview at Whole Foods. Holly started drinking about 2 hours before the cameras went up so Steph’s resume looks like this:
• Frankie and Sleezy T are so busy licking Brody’s b*lls for camera time that they didn’t even notice that Heidi has newer boobs and a horse penis. Some people are so self involved, you know?
• In the end, Kristin ends up getting gang-banged by the locals in the bar in exchange for one rock of coke (whatever that is), Frankie gets his tongue caught on Brody’s zipper, and Heidi has toppled over in her apartment and even the camera crew can’t help pick her up. They’re going to need to use that machine that they used to get Carnie Wilson out of her house circa 1992.
Tune in next week when Darlene Montag gets a search warrant to look for her horses penis at Heidi and Spencer’s place. The horse was limping. It was a dead giveaway.