Funny Real Housewives of New Jersey Recaps Like You've Never Read Before


The new season of RHONJ is finally back on  10.4.17! So why not get all caught up on your favorite trash-bag friends from Jersey and welcome back Danielle Staub with open tanned arms.

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Milania, the Lucille Ball of Our Generation (assuming Lucille served time in Juvie)

Like a teen mom in trouble, I’m late.  Regardless, here are 7  things worth discussing from last nights Real Housewives of New Jersey: Caroline Rules is My Actual Physical Literal Hell – Are they kidding me with this?   We’re starting with a segment of Caroline Rules?  And the topic actually is “New Years Resolutions: Do […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Why Won’t Christmas End?

I’m not entirely sure why this is the 15th Christmas episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey but, alas, it is. No joke the first 35 minutes of this trash dump is people opening presents on Christmas morning.  I just kept thinking, but what the hell do I recap?  I mean, how many wrapping paper […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: The One Where Everyone Tells Each Other to Get Back Inside the House

Progamming Note: Join the Celebrity Twitter Bomb and tweet this recap to: @kellyripa @bravotv and @bravoandy You can use this shorter URL to cut and paste: http://bit.ly/qDmf1F “Twat Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Gorga marbled-out house not a creature was stirring, except for Kim G’s duck-lipped mouth.  And the Italian midgets […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: If Mary Knew This Is What Christmas Would Have Turned Into I’m Sure She Would Have Turned Down the Immaculate Conception

Christmas in New Jersey is a theme that I would like to find a way to apply to every aspect of my life.  If it’s not dipped in gold, made out of ice, or burning my retinas then I don’t want any part of it.  This week Christmas continues and we get to see Tre-bagger […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Thank You Jesus, It’s Almost Christmas

After a nice 10 day vacation or “vacation” as they say in other similar languages to Spanish, I’m back! Sure I missed about 15 episodes of RHONYC, but at least I’m up to date with RHONJ. Let’s just move on. Here’s what went down last night on Real Housewives: Remember lines like, “Let me tell […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: You Can Take Away Their House, But You Can’t Take Away Joe Guidice’s Ability to Do Splits (These Will Come in Handy in Jail)

Remember when Danielle used to be on this show and in every single episode you assumed someone was going to get killed…by her? I miss those days. Oddly enough they seemed like simpler times. Well this weeks episode seemed to follow suit with RHONYC where the entire 1hr and 15 minutes was a complete circus. […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Calm and Cool as a Whistle (as the old saying never goes)

I tell ya, these Sunday night episodes sneak right up on you like Melissa’s knitted berets from hell.  I have a feeling the inside of it smells like  Nutella stuck in Gia’s braces.  Anyway, this week is all about two things; Teresa trying to make peace with Melissa and Doozer and Caroline on the God-for-saken […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Gia Losing the Gymnastics Meet is Breaking Her Family Apart, I Think

Way to F up my Sunday night schedule of getting into bed at 7pm whilst I regret the entire weekend and shake.  Now I need to stay alert to watch people from New Jersey entertain me and make me feel better/worse about my life or as people in some other countries say, “mi vida.”  I’m […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Thanksgiving Bull Rides and Redone Houses

I’m glad we live in a world where Real Housewives Tourettes is becoming part of my every day life. I’ve already incorporated “take steak” on the regular and now, thanks to Tre-bagger, I find myself just shouting “Unattended?!” whenever times get a little quiet…like when a car doesn’t let me, the pedestrian, have the right […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: “Ingredientes” and Formal Letter Writing: A Phonics Lesson With Teresa Giudice

Apparently we’re already at the part of the season known as “down time.”  Therefore, we have to all sit back and wait for the next Italian fight to take place, hopefully sometime before the end of the season.  Therefore, we kick things off with Teresa’s latest cookbook, which I believe is called, “My Four Hairlines.” […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Return of Kim G and the Case of the Cameltoe Cat

It’s Halloween for the gang of RHONJ and I’m sure it’s a safe bet that somewhere in a rusty dumpster Danielle is carving “b*tch” across her forehead with a broken wine bottle.  However, the rest of the housewives and their children are carrying pumpkins back and forth across Jacqueline’s estate for some inexplicable reason.  Seriously, […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Meet Melissa & Joe (aka Teresa and Joe…With Money)

Get Social: Follow Me on Twitter & Facebook! I mean Bravo is churning these out like Disney on Ice, but I kinda have to admit I still find myself only wanting to watch television shows about people from New Jersey.  Sometimes I take the Path train just for sport.  Anytrashbags, I immediately thank both Jesus […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part 2: Mannequin Head and Awkward Hugs

Join Me on Facebook! Well tip your 40 because another full season of RHONJ has come to a close and so has the 2-part reunion.  It’s rude that Bravo has ignored my letters and requests that this  show be aired 7 days a week for 6 hours a day and include a special Christmas chuckie […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Recap: “Do NOT Bring Up My FAMILY” is the new “And It Wasn’t Not Funny!”

Join Me on Facebook! Now I don’t want to oversell this, but the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion (Part 1) episode may have been the best piece of television that my eyes have quite possibly ever seen.  I basically sat hypnotized in front of my television with about 1 gallon of pee and poop […]

So When Andy Cohen Gets Murdered During the Reunion Show, Can I Get His Job? You Know, After the Funeral and Junk.

Join Me on Facebook! The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion is going to be in two parts.  I’m breathing slowing as I’m typing this because I want to open up my apartment window and yell out, “I love you America, I love you!”  The gang filmed this in Atlantic City, which is just basically […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: From Clown to Clown and Matriarch to Matriarch, These “Woman” Are About to Have it Out. Fabulous!

Join Me on Facebook! Well, well, well, it looks like our journey ends here.  We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we didn’t do much of anything else.  How is it already time for the season finale?  I’d like to thank Jesus Claus for bringing in new characters to my life like Kim G and Kim D.  I’d […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Joe Throws an Absolute Fit

Join Me on Facebook! Well we’re finally getting off the SS Guidette and Joe/Barney Rubble must have forgotten to take his Flintstone’s chewables and wash them down with a big glass of milk because he is throwing one of the best temper tantrums we’ve seen in a while.  Everyone else left their luggage in their […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Italian Cruise from Hell. Where’s Chanels?

Buon natale, Dominic the Donkey, and chicken parmigiana!  Those are all ways to say “welcome” in Italian, I believe.  Fasten up your bedazzled seat belts because the crew is heading to Italy and from the first scene to the last scene this crapisode is an absolute sh*t show and every minute is worth watching.  Who […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: This Christening Officially Made Me an Italian Citizen

It’s the crapisode we’ve all been waiting for when, not only, is Dina back for a spell, but also because Kim G has an altercation with Danielle and swears a truck-driver in heat.  Me gusta Monday nights!  Here’s what went down last night on RHONJ (as “the kids” call it): Santa Christ on a horse.  […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Jillian’s Song is a Fugazi!

Join Me on Facebook.  Fugazi! It’s fitting that Teresa, Barney Rubble, and the “Fabulous” sisters are all playing Monopoly at the start of the crapisode.  It’s really a window into their current financial situation.  I think it’s good that they start teaching their girls things like “Go directly to jail.  Do not pass Go.  Do […]