Funny Real Housewives of New Jersey Recaps Like You've Never Read Before


The new season of RHONJ is finally back on  10.4.17! So why not get all caught up on your favorite trash-bag friends from Jersey and welcome back Danielle Staub with open tanned arms.

RHONJ Recap: Can Someone Explain Trust-Falls One More Time?

Happy first Monday after the 4th of July!  I’m as fried as the sausage that Teresa and her family were making in the filthy garage.  Like any episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey it’s important that we hit as many Italian stereotypes as we can. If you’re playing RHONJ Bingo at home like I […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Does Rosie Suffer from Napoleon Syndrome? Do You or Someone You Love?

Who in the holy peperoncini hell gets into fights via “the Twitter?”  No really, can someone give me helpful tips and hints because I’ve been Tweeting Amanda Bynes for weeks, poking her like one would do with a stick to a bear in the zoo, and zip, nada, nothing.  I’d kill to get into a […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: So Billy from ‘Who’s the Boss’ Grew Up to Be Rosie, No?

If you’re like me, you’ve been still trying to figure out how many days Melissa waited to go visit Captain Nono in purgatory.  Well, folks, we’re not alone.  You see, this week Tre and the rest of the Capicola 4 are still discussing new an innovative ways to figure out how many days it is […]

Real Housewives of Dirty Jersey: Hairy Grills and Ferarri Thrills

Well folks, it’s week three of “Does Gia Have Her Period.”   Spoiler Alert:  Not Yet.  However, RHONJ will be sure to keep us posted on all the necessary details.  The conversations that take place on camera about this 12 year old girl are so creepy that I’m pretty sure just watching it means that you […]

RHONJ Recap: With Special Guests, Faith Evans and Biggie Smalls’ Mother

I have to admit I’m kind of pissed that we’re two episodes into RHONJ and no one has talked about the “jokes” from Teresa’s cookbook.  It’s strange because I’m sure to incorporate those jokes into my everyday life so I’m not quite sure why they don’t.  Either way, one thing is for sure Gia (z-snap) […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: When Does Hurricane Milania Hit Landfall?

Lower your hairline a few inches and try not to look directly into the camera because Real Housewives of New Jersey is back!  I haven’t been this excited for Sunday night television since they moved Night Court to the 8:30 time slot and really started developing Roz’s character more.  I’m sure you feel the same […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa is the Mr. Wizard of Our Generation

For someone who may be heading up the river for a spell, Barney Rubble is certainly living the life.  Every crapisode is like Driving Miss Daisy as Teresa typically needs to cart him around town.  Sure it’s because, by law, he’s not allowed to drive but I like to pretend the real reason is that […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: What is This Show Even About Anymore?

Where the hell have you all been?  Oh wait.  I was the one who was missing.   Well I’m back from my 9 day voyage to Boston (my homeland) and am ready to recap the absolute cat piss out of this episode of Real Housewives.  Sure I’ve missed the past 3 or 4 weeks of this […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Heckyll, Jyde and a 4th Grade Reading Level

It’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for!  Of course I’m saying this because we finally get an update on Lauren Manzo’s diet!  Phew!  To be honest I was worried for a little bit.  I mean, I think an entire week went by without us knowing if she was still on the egg white diet […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Rosie Teaches the Kids About Scissors

When the hell is the last time this show has been on?  I’ve been worried sick about Lauren’s dieting and if she’s finally in her “size 4.”  I wasn’t aware that Hanes Husky ran that small and, yes, it’s going to be that kind of recap.  Things start off pretty normal in this episode, meaning […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: I Miss Danielle

There.  I said it.  What in the holy hell happened to this show?  Remember when it used to consist of stereotypical Italians living in Jersey and flipping tables over prostitution whore books?  Those were simpler and happier times.  This time around we’re spending 60 minutes on everyones kids and 40 minutes of that is about […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Rosie, the Mrs. Garrett of Our Generation (with a Beverly Ann Hairdo)

Sorry this one was a little late today.  I was too busy writing countless (de lesepps) letters to Congress demanding that they give Rosie and Milania their own show.  I’m confident this is what Congress is for.  I’m less confident that I’m supposed to be capitalizing the word “Congress.”  I’ll write a letter to ask.  […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Cookers, Hookers, and a Black Eye. Welcome to Jersey!

How Ashley dodged ever being on 16 & Pregnant is beyond me.  This chick is bricks.  We pick up where we left off last week, which was Ashley being forced to move to Vegas in order to get her life together.  That makes sense.  I hear alcoholics try to quit “the booze” by going on […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Who Knew People from Jersey Could Read Books?

Well folks, it’s back.  It seems like just yesterday Milania was dragging around her siblings by their hair and here we are again watching Milania drag her siblings around by their hair.  We’ve really come full circle.  For the season opener everyone is up in stubby arms over Teresa’s random cookbook in which she has […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: This Season Was 1/16th Good

Wow I can’t believe this is the last episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey already!  It seems like it just started 14 months ago and now we’re wrapping it up.  So what will happen?  Will Lauren finally be charged for the brutal strangling of Ashley?  Will the Brothers Manzo get a spinoff show that’s […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: I Once Knew a Girl Called the “Punta Princess” but For Other Reasons That We Won’t Get Into Here

I can honestly say I have no idea what the hell is going on with this show anymore.  Everyone is still in the Dominican and Caroline is still in bed for the 4th consecutive day.  She doesn’t even have the will to try and pretend she gives a Shasta what’s going on between Teresa and […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Let’s Be Grateful that Milania Isn’t Turning 12 or Gia’s Song Could Still Be Going On

I’m not sure what happened to this train-wreck, but it’s certainly not the same show I remember and loved where tables were flipped and everyone was afraid that Danielle Staub was going to kidnap their kids and enter them into a life of prostitution (whore).  This season is filled with Kat’s desserts and Caroline’s kids.  […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa and the Amazing Technicolor Fur Coats

RHONJ and Jersey Shore all on the same night?  Yowza!  I love when there are only shows about New Jersey on “the television!”  Here are some important topics to go over from last nights Real Housewives of New Jersey (ingredientses sold separately): Rosie is Totally Boober from Fraggle Rock  – I only want to live […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: The Anti-Semite Norwegian Storm

Spoiler Alert:  Most of this episode is about Bonk Ashley again, so as opposed to skipping this entire recap for a second week in a row, let’s review some of the things we learned this week on “Real Housewives of a Place Where People Use to Punch at Each Other, Now They Just Attend Lame […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Wait a Sec…

42 minutes of a mix between Ashley being a douche and the Manzo family getting in shape?  No thank you.