Funny Real Housewives of New Jersey Recaps Like You've Never Read Before


The new season of RHONJ is finally back on  10.4.17! So why not get all caught up on your favorite trash-bag friends from Jersey and welcome back Danielle Staub with open tanned arms.

RHONJ Season 8 Premiere Recap: Danielle Staub is Back, Baby!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey is officially back (genuflect).  We’ll be crapping the ever-loving shiz out of the season.  Let’s go! RHONJ is back and here’s everything we need to discuss from the season premiere! 1.  Death Makes it Tough to Make Jokes: As we know by this point, Tre’s mom passes away and […]

The New Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 8 Taglines are Bananas

Because we’re all ready to finally dive in to the newest season of RHONJ! And the Real Housewives of New Jersey taglines for season 8 have officially arrived and, well, they don’t really disappoint!  As we know there’s a new member of the cast, Margaret Josephs, and she’s really summing up what we can expect […]

Watch Now: The New Season of RHONJ is Here and Teresa Flips a Chair!

I couldn’t be more excited that FINALLY the newest season of Real Housewives of New Jersey is here!  It’s debuting on October 4th and there’s a new cast member we’re already scratching our head over.  It seems like this season Dolores and Siggy are ready to throw down, Danielle Staub is back (!!), Theresa and […]

Presenting: Gia’s Music Video (aka This Ain’t Endin’ Well)

In “I can’t” news, Gia (z-snap) has officially launched her music career. Apparently she’s part of a girl group called 3KT. Technically I think it should be called “3 Gia’s Gyratin’” but that’s just me spitballing some ideas at this point. It could have also been called “Making Money to Pay Government Issued Fines.” But […]

Teresa and Joe’s Sentencing…as Told by RHONJ Teresa Gifs!

1. When I woke up and remembered sentencing started at 10am, I opened up every piece of social media and was like… 2.  And then I waited…and waited.  And then waited some more.  Then I waited again and was like… 3.  Then I read the Tweet that Joe’s sentencing was ready to begin and I […]

RHONJ Recap: Why Amber’s Crying May Impact Her Tomato Sauce Supply

We’re on Week 8 of “We Already Know You’re Going to Jail, We Just Want to Know for How Long.”  Even though RHONJ is taking a hit in the ratings I’m still on for 2 reasons.  (1) I want to see what the behind-the-scenes is really like and (2) I haven’t had a life since […]

RHONJ Recap: From Chicken Coops to Dunkin Donuts Shaming

If it’s one thing we can all relate to, it’s never humiliate someone enough that they’re embarrassed to show their spray-tanned face at the local Dunkin Donuts.  For those of you reading this in the parts of the world where Dunkin Donuts doesn’t exist, first off, hi Tajikistan (!) and second, Dunkin Donuts is basically […]

RHONJ Recap: The One Where Everyone Dresses Like Sluts and Pulls Hair

Well I’m officially back from vacation and am trying to remember how to type and form sentences so bear/bare/beer with me whilst I recover from numbing my brain with sun and booze.  Also, by the time I got back to my apartment my DVR was on fire.  Apparently I recorded a lot of bad reality […]

RHONJ Recap: Christmas Before Prison Never Been Sicker

We’re celebrating the Christmas season (and no other religious celebration) in New Jersey this week.  Truth be told, every day is like Christmas when you’re in New Jersey.  I mean, I just hear that.  I will, of course, never set foot in that state as I am allergic to hair gel and gold chains.  Allegedly. […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Jersey is the New Black

What seems like the amount of time it takes for Mad Men to come back on the air, RHONJ is finally back!  And the first thing I want to know is the same as what everyone else wants to know.  Where can we get Kathy’s cannoli?  I jest.  We won’t be seeing as much of […]

First Look at the Real Housewives of New Jersey July Premiere (Video)

Christmas has come early for those “sans life” like me!  Bravo has just released a video preview of the new season of Real Housewives of New Jersey that’s slated to premiere on July 13th, 2014.  I hear that they’re still waiting to shoot the sentencing of Teresa and Joe and, well, I’m all in for […]

RHONJ Recap: Hurricane Sandy Missed a Few

Is it too soon for Hurricane Sandy Duncan jokes?  I’d assume “no” but I am typically sans social graces.  We’ve finally arrived to the season finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey so that can only really mean one thing; we are ready for the fist-fight to end all fist-fights.  Watching the tall-challenged throw […]

RHONJ Recap: Calm as a Cucumber with a Hedgehog Hairline

I’d like to place an order.  Yeah, I’d like a large Italian sub with no tomatoes and no hots.  How much is that?  How long will that  be?  End scene.  Also, and scene.  I can honestly say that each week the Real Housewives of New Jersey is on I always want an Italian sub.  Always. […]

RHONJ Recap: An Adult Man is Johnny the Greek

After traveling and the like I’m finally able to watch and recap another crapisode of Real Housewives of the Armpit of the Nation.  I was concerned that I had missed too much and I would never be able to understand what is happening but, alas, after seeing legit 11 seconds worth of footage…I’m back to […]

RHONJ Recap: The One Where Everyone Blows a Horse for 45 Minutes

Happy Labor Day, my American friends!  For those of you reading this “over the seas” and don’t know what Labor Day is, it’s basically the time when the 3 Wise Men rode their Segways throughout middle America trying to track down Lewis and Clarke so that the Tooth Fairy could let us know if we […]

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Who Cares? It’s My Birthday!

“First I was 1, then I was 2, then I was 3, then I was 4…now I am not 4.”  Who cares about this show because today is my birthday!  I have written dozens of letters (via magazine cut-outs) and mailed them to Gia (z-snap) to see if she would be kind enough to sing […]

RHONJ Recap: When Ellen Met Rosie

It’s amazing how quickly you can get bored when people aren’t throwing punches and rubbing their shoe polished head all over the place.  It’s week 2 of the New Jersey Peace Treaty and I’m not entirely sure what this crapisode was about.  One thing I do know for sure is that Sizzle Tans has an […]

RHONJ: Drunken Trust Falls are the Best Falls

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, for what seems like 3 seasons now.  The time has finally arrived.  Yes, Richie went sledding down a snowy hill on his stomach.  I know.  It really seems like a full circle moment.  Like me,  you were probably wondering “will Richie go take advantage of all that […]

RHONJ Recap: A Nut Biting Black Hairspray Shoe Polishing Good Time!

Celebrity Twitter Bomb Update:  I was tipped off that Rebecca Romijn is a huge Housewives fan and is new to Twitter as of yesterday to I say let’s Twitter Bomb her this RHONJ Recap.  Ole!  So please Tweet this recap to @RebeccaARomijn and @ibbb and maybe we can get her to actually read this here craptastic blog and invite […]

RHONJ Recap: I’ll Take Italian Mountain Top Retreats That Turn Into Fist Fights For $200

I haven’t been this excited for a Sunday night since CBS debuted Circus of the Stars.  There was just something about seeing Nell Carter on a trapeze that really made me feel connected to life again.  Either way, if it’s one thing I like about RHONJ it’s when oily slaps get thrown on the regular […]