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Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was technically at the CFDA Awards last night in NYC and was all creepy smiles, but by the looks of her she could have also been posing in front of Conference Room B (which is directly across from the fax machine). She’s had a busy day “dialing for dollars” and has to give her […]

Olsen Eyebrows Cause Olsen Smiles

Finally! The secret has been uncovered! People used to always wonder why The Olsen Sluts never smiled, but now we can be pretty sure that it’s somehow tied to their eyebrows. Perhaps it’s a twin thing that traces all the way back to the birth canal. Olsen birth canal….gross. Anyway, new Olsen eyebrows tend to […]

Hey! Who Slashed My Olsen?!

Uh oh! Who in the hell slashed my Olsen? Mary-Michele-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen was with her sister, Tootie Olsen, at the Met Costume Gala in NYC the other night and looks like she got attacked by Comet. That crazy dog! I also think it’s about time to update their old award winning song from “I’m the Cute One” […]

I Smell Olsen Sauce

Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen may be trying to blend into the night in her Olsen Camouflage, but I can smell Olsen sauce from a mile away and it smells like day old buffalo wings. Mmmm buffalo wings. Anyway, the Olsen in question (doesn’t matter which one) was attending the “Chanel Tribeca Film Festival Dinner” in NYC just the […]

Look What The Olsen Dragged In!

One of the Olsen’s, it doesn’t matter which one, showed her support at the Proenza Schouler new line of eyewear party/show. Similar to Jan Brady, glass on an Olsen will make her look positively goofy. Anyway, Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen looks weak and dirty and not in the good way. Oh, and I’m pretty sure the other Olsen […]

Olsen Twins Coffee Table Book. Ironic?

The Olsen Sluts are in the process of writing a coffee table book that will feature “the most interesting, challenging, creative people we know” – said one of the Olsen’s. It doesn’t matter which one said it. What’s ironic is that I’m currently in the process of writing a coffee table book about how I […]

This Time Last Year: Olsen Time!

Memories, like the corners of my useless mind. I’d like to reintroduce a new little segment called “This Time Last Year.” This Time Last Year will take a brief look at what was going on in the celebrity world…this time last year (go figure). Oh, and also I’m lazy so this is pretty easy to […]

Breaking News: An Olsen Has Teeth

One of the Olsen’s, doesn’t matter which one, as at the “Seventh on Sale Gala” yesterday right here in New York City. Tricky Olsen’s in the city! I’ll be keeping my eye out for you. Regardless Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was showing some teeth last night and, I must say, I now understand why The Olsen Sluts typically […]

The Olsen Sluts Have a Sass Off

I love me a good old fashion Olsen Slut Sass Off! Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen were looking one smidgen creepy as they “modeled” for the “Renaud Corlouer” photoshoot. I’m not going to lie, I have no idea what the hell that means, but being able to watch an Olsen or two shoot a side of sass, well, that […]

Alert! Naked Olsen Sluts on the Loose!

Ever wanted to see Michelle Tanner naked? If you answered “yes” you’re a sick pervert pedophile. However, if you want to see one of the Olsen Sluts running around naked then you may be in luck if you get invited to their house (just don’t eat the brownies). Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen has told Harper’s Bazaar that she […]

I Smell Olsen Lung Cancer

What’s that smell you ask? Why it’s just one of the Olsen’s new signature perfumes called “Rotten Lung Cancer: For Tweens!” Mmmmm smells nice. Very “woodsie.” I feel like I’m camping. Ok, so are they kidding me with this? Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Tanner-Gibbler-Olsen was clearly ready for battle in Venice, CA over the weekend and couldn’t get enough […]

Ohhhh So That’s Why The Olsen’s Don’t Smile

Finally, a reason why the Olsen’s don’t typically smile! It all makes complete sense to me. Lookin’ pretty Mark-Ashley-Kate-Michelle-Olsen-Tanner-Gibbler III! Lookin’ pretty! One of the Olsen Sluts (makes no difference which one) was leaving Linday’s old stomping grounds, Chateau Marmont, when a photographer actually scored some Olsen teeth. Olsen teeth are clearly a delicacy in […]

Remember That Episode of Full House When Michelle Fell Off the Horse and Got Amnesia? Well This is Like the Modern Day Version.

Remember that episode of Full House when Michelle fell off the horse and got amnesia? Well this is like the modern day version except she didn’t fall off a horse, she fell out of the ugly tree and she didn’t get amnesia, she got uglier. So basically, same thing. Again, no idea which Olsen this […]

Olsen Clothes Don’t Stay On

One of the Olsen’s (I refuse to figure out which one) was out and about in Malibu the other day and it really got me to thinking about 2 things. (1) Isn’t it hot in Malibu this time of year? Why the hooded sweatshirt? (2) Why do Olsen clothes never seem to stay on normally? […]

Olsen Ass! Get Your Olsen Ass!

Olsen Ass! Get Your Free Olsen Ass! Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Kate-Gibbler-Tanner-Olsen was out and about with her “I Dream of Jeanie” pants on when someone from the paparazzi snapped a photo of her Olsen ass. Now, you must look closely and jump to your own conclusions. Some say Olsen ass, while others are debating it’s actually just another […]

The Olsen Sluts Are Now 21

The Olsen Sluts (formal name) have officially turned 21 today! It seems like just yesterday they were playing the award winning (no award won) role of Michelle Tanner in the award winning (no award won) television sitcom (not funny) Full House. Watching Michelle Tanner being to tear up when she asked Uncle Jesse if it […]

An Olsen Becomes a Human Duster

One of the Olsen’s (I have no idea which one) was at the MET Costume Institute Benefit Gala yesterday in NYC and I believe that she perfected the “human duster.” It kind of looks like Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Olsen went digging in her shower drain and then used her “findings” to make this dress. Nasty whore. She looks […]

Mary-Kate is a 90’s Business Woman

Mary-Kate Olsen (bonus points for me knowing which Olsen it was) is clearly a 1990’s business woman. She has the big pants and hikes them all the way up past her waist and towards her little Olsen chest. This is the type of outfit that’s perfect for a bank teller, young professor, or even greeter […]

An Olsen Shows Her Little Boy Boobs

In “I Miss Full House” news, one of the Olsen’s was simply grabbing a coffee when the wind just blew Mary-Michelle-Ashley-Tanner-Olsen’s blouse right open. This one particular Olsen is truly “little boy boobs to the wind” but doesn’t slow down to adjust herself. She’s probably used to being seen in her bra from her days […]

The Olsen Twins Are the Walking Dead

The Olsen Sluts are literally the walking dead. And how comes they can never stand up straight? They always are hunched over and look like they’re malnourished. Oh yeah, and homeless. Mary-Michelle-Kate-Ashley-Tanner-Olsen was out and about at Paris Fashion week (The Valli Party) and clearly were going trick-or-treating directly after the party. By the way, […]