Well folks it’s the last repeat recap you’re going to have to read for a little while because the new season of Jersey Shore starts up on July 29th. Seriously, thank God. I almost bought a book at the book…shop (?) the other day and was like, wait a second what am I doing?! I threw the book down, ran out of the book…market (?), and came home to set my DVR for the new season. Anypitstains, here’s what went down on the season finale of Jersey Shore (season 1 of 202):
Today is a highly emotional day around the corporate headquarters of IBBB, as we bid farewell to Jersey Shore. It’s times like this I scream up to the heavens, “Why God? Why do you put good things in our life just to take them away from us!?” It’s too soon. It’s. Just. Too. Soon. I would like to start this Jersey Shore recap the same way I would like to end it, with touching songs. The first is to the tune of “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore” by REO Speedwagon. Please, all, sing along with me.
And even as I wonder,
I’m waiting for a fight,
You’re a Dep bottle in the window,
On a cold, dark winters night.
And JWOWW’s weave really gives me such a friiiiight.
And I can’t fight this Snooki anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I started fighting her foooooor,
It’s time to say goodbye to the Jersey Shore,
And throw away the bronzer, forever.
Cuz I can’t fight this Snooki anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I started fighting her fooooooor,
And if you call The Situation a bore,
Ronnie will punch you through the door,
Snooki, I can’t fight this feeling anymore.
On to the Jersey Shore Season Finale Recap:
- Oh yeah I totally forgot that Ronnie was arrested for knocking out the Boardwalk Heckler in “one shot, one shot kid.” I guess after you see so many fights they all start to just merge into one distant memory…kinda like Angelina.
- Sammi SweatStains and Snooki and Snooki’s corset are all freaking out back at the house about what to do to get Ronnie out of jail. Whilst munching on a rice cake, Snooki in a Snooki-like panic asks if she should call 911 because, you know, that’s what they’re there for. Sammi is whining that she doesn’t know what to do because she’s never been in this situation before. Really? Never? Not even, like, the other day? Or last week? Or last month? Or the entire summer last year? Or with her dad in 1999? Fine. I “believe” you.
- Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is in bed with Danielle the Israeli stalker while Vinny and his eyebrows fill them in on what happened to Ronnie. Classic Danielle responds by saying, “they’re acting like Israeli’s right now.” Really? I didn’t see anyone ducking behind a rusted out abandon car that was on fire on the side of the dirt-road street throwing rocks at the other person who was ducking behind another rusted out abandon car that was on fire on the side of the dirt-road street. Did you?