Who Gets Custody of Enzo?

I swear to God if Enzo gets neglected and is forced to live with his real family I’m going to be pissed!  And by “pissed” I really mean, “I couldn’t care less if he’s shipped back home to his native country of San Diego.” As a way to stay in the news and try to […]

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt: The Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers of Our Generation

Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers were on Oprah this past Friday singing “Islands in the Stream” and it really got me to thinking.  Truly, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt really are the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers of our generation.  Therefore I thought I’d change around some the lyrics to “Islands in the Stream” so […]

Oh Thank God! Heidi Montag is Getting Bigger Boobs.

Heidi Montag’s Triple G sized breasts are so March 2010.  It’s time to spruce up her body again so Heidi is planning on going under the knife once again to make her boobs even bigger.  Having said in the past that she wants to get a size “H” for Heidi, it is likely that this […]

Britney Spears’ Untouched Photos are No Match for Heidi Montag’s Untouched Photos

It must be opposites day here on planet earth because for some reason, Britney Spears is the sane voice of reason and has decided to release the untouched, unedited, un-photoshopped, un-airbrushed photos from her Candies photo-shoot so that young girls can have a better body image and show them that what they see on the […]

Well, It’s Official. Sadly, Holly Montag is Officially the Hottest Montag

And that’s a sentence I never thought I’d say.  It’ like Sophie’s Choice, if her choice was to be forced to choose which of her ugly children was the least ugly.  It’s something no one should have to do.  However, being a trash bag pioneer, I will have to choose Holly Montag as the hottest […]

Heidi Montag Can’t Jog Anymore Due to Plastic Surgery. In Related News, I Can’t Eat Anymore When Seeing Pictures of Heidi Montag.

Future Cat Lady, Heidi Montag, headed over to On Air with Ryan Seacrest to talk about, what else, her 10 surgical procedures that were all done on the same day.  The conversation took a turn when Heidi began to lifelessly chat about her back surgery, which she referred to as having her “back scooped.”  When […]

Heidi Montag’s Psychic Better Be the New Cast Member on “The Hills.”

Hey mon! Ya wife’s cheatin’ on ya, mon!  Call me now! I don’t even care if any of the following is true.  The fact that Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for $100 million in the same week that Heidi Montag announces she’s faux-fired Steve Sanders/Spencer Pratt from managing her and, instead, hired a psychic to […]

Well It’s Official. Heidi Montag Turned Into Janice from The Muppets.

If there’s one thing that Heidi Montag is good at, it’s comedic acting.  And, lucky for us, she’s trying her hand at a little comedy by teaming up with Funny or Die.  She pokes fun at herself for being an absolute a-hole for getting all those  much-needed-but-should-have-never-been-done surgeries and, in the end, she’s taking a […]

Heidi Montag Boob Watch Continues

(Sung to the tune of “Carmen Sandiego”)  Where in the world is Heidi’s new booooooobs? Looking like a straw with two big spitballs stuck in it, Heidi Montag filmed new “scenes” for the upcoming season of “The Hills.”  This included having her face look like it was stuck in a typhoon and eating breakfast in […]

Why Do Heidi Montag’s New Boobs Start at Her Shoulders?

Every time I see new pictures of Heidi Montag I always get excited because it’s like playing “Where’s Waldo” but with surgical procedures.  Heidi Montag, the Annette Funicello of our generation, was all painful facial expressions while on the red carpet at Pure Nightclub in Vegas the other night.  She was accompanied by, of course, […]

Heidi Montag Heading Back to Playboy Because, You Know, You Don’t Buy a New Car Just to Hide It in the Garage

If you’re like me and want to see just exactly what Heidi Montag ordered from the plastic surgeon you just may be in luck!  It’s being reported that Heidi, along with her completely dead face, are in talks to make another appearance on the pages of Playboy magazine.  If you recall from Heidi’s first Playboy […]

Apparently Where Darlene Montag Lives There are No TVs or Magazines…and She’s Missing Her Eyes.

Nothing quite says “family reunion” like an MTV camera crew to capture the look on your face when you first lay eyes on your daughter who mutilated her face all in the name of “show business.”  For some reason, Us Weekly stopped blowing Heidi and Spencer and now People Magazine has taken to their knees […]

Guess Who Saw Their Shadow????

Sorry to bring the bad news so early in the morning, but unfortunately the Monthog did, in fact, see its shadow.  So you know what that means?  Six more plastic surgery procedures!  Sweet!  We may be battling off winter for the next 3 months, but the Monthog has it worst as it’ll be fighting off […]

Heidi Montag’s New Boobs: A Shelter for Enzo?

Shhhhhhh!  Be very very quiet.  We are all very lucky to be this close to the Montag Monster in her natural habitat.  She lurks close to the ground and tries to hypnotize you with her new DDD boobs and blank stares.  Not to be confused with her similar mating call, the Montag Monster positions her […]

Heidi Montag Plastic Surgery Photos: An Open Discussion

I’ve had a few days for the Heidi Montag post plastic surgery pictures to settle into my barely there mind.  I’d like to go on record saying that I actually do not think that she had as many procedures as she claims and believe this is all just another publicity stunt for an upcoming book […]

With the Heat in LA, I'm Sure Heidi's Outfit Smells Like the Basement of a Church

  Ah yes, two of America’s sweethearts, Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag, filmed scenes for an upcoming episode of this little show known as “The Hills” in LA yesterday.  Audrina, playing the role of the beaver-toofed-dead-eyed whore stands and listens to Heidi as the cameras roll.  I will only assume that Heidi is telling her […]

Heidi Reads Her Lines While Driving Away from the Church

Heidi looks like she’s trying to perform long-division on her hand and Spencer lets us know just how small is penis actually is.  I think it’s great that they can fit an entire portion of the script directly on Heidi’s hand.  I guess it makes sense since 20 out of the 22 minutes of the […]

If Brent Bolhouse Didn't Ever Want to Be Around Spencer, He Probably Shouldn't Have Gone to Their Wedding and Stood in the Front Row

It’s fun to play “Where’s Waldo” with past cast members of The Hills at Heidi and Steve Sanders wedding.  This time around I spotted Brent Bolthouse, who kinda looks like Waldo.  I also thought that Brent told Heidi he didn’t  ever want to be around Spencer again?  I’m pretty sure his odds increase of seeing […]

A Lot of Troll Dolls Had to Die For This….

  Well it looks like all fences have been mended and 16 pounds of troll doll hair were ordered and hot-glue-gunned to the head of Heidi and crew.  Past reports that Heidi and her horse from Crested Butte trotted down the aisle together have turned up false as you can see from the above photo. […]

It Finally Happened. Heidi's Lips Have Exploded.

I KNEW Heidi’s lips were just filled with custard, I knew it!  I’ve decided that today will “Scripted Hills Wedding Day” and because I wasn’t there to recap it, I will bring this d-bag wedding to life on this here d-bag blog.  On a similar note, IBBB is predicting that in about 7 more years […]