Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday to one, all, and none. All at the same time. This week Harriet brushes your fright-wig with realistic color, gives a shout-out to the Halloweenie Whore, and scares the skid-marks out of your underpants with what I can only assume is a three-headed owl. All normal. Let’s go!
Product # 1 – Ooh la la! With a hair coloring brush that fancy you would have thought they would spell it “colouring.” No one, and I mean no one, will ever know that you simply brushed the “colour” directly onto your own natural looking hair. I may not know about simple things like love, helping people, being nice, and hair color but is it normal to go from bleach blond to “desk stain” brown in one sitting? I think that “colour” is going to burn a hole right through her itchy looking wig. Nevertheless (bonus points for using that word), this chick is turning into the New Jan Brady in just seconds. With all the time she has left over she’ll be able to give her miserable childrens an extra beating AND have time to pick up her 120 day supply of pain meds. Personally, I like how it says that you can get professional salon results …and then the next sentence is “requires two AA batteries.” See? That’s the difference. In a professional salon I think they use 4 D batteries. Eh, either way I think it’s great the Olympia Dukakis is getting work again.
Product # 2 – Ah yes, the Halloween Knob Greeter. I used to know a girl who was known as the Halloween Knob Greeter. Similar to bobbing for apples the Halloween Knob Greeter is always the hit of the party. Sometimes wet, sometimes a little sloppy, always drunk, the Halloween Knob Greeter shall not be confused withthe Thanksgiving Turkey Gobbler. Now don’t get me wrong, both are givers. Both bring a little more light to the holidays. Both are about two more Zima’s with a crazy straw away from doing a private web cam show. Or so I’ve heard. Anyskank, this HKG not only provides minutes of life changing fun, but also lets complete strangers know that no one is home at your house. Not only should you help yourself to some candy, but also feel free to toss your crowbar through their front window and help yourself to their priceless Hummel collection. Thanks, Harriet, for finally giving “that girl” a formal festive name.
Product # 3 – Hey kids! Look, daddy is going through a bit of a tough time due to the economy. Hmm, let me see how else I can explain this. The automobile industry got the swine flu because Sarah Palin’s unwed daughter got pregnant with the Mama’s and the Papa’s illegitimate baby so basically, daddy lost his job and, no, we can’t go to the zoo this week. We can, however, go into our backyard and look at the three headed Siamese plastic owl that daddy bought you. It won’t just scare away the bunnies and the birds, but also you and your bratty little brother. See how real it looks? When one plastic head spins to the left, the other plastic head spins to the right, and both knock heads of the third owl that is sorta in the middle. It’s basically the Rocky Dennis of the thriving plastic owl industry. You’re welcome, kids. Now go inside and ask mommy to get off the mailman. Thanks.