The One With Crystal Bowersox Crying

Well, well, well.  So we meet again.  Now I got more crap about 2 months ago when I asked which week Crystal Bowersox was going to get her teeth whitened.  I mean, I also said that she had a great voice and would probably win the whole thing, but die-hard fans of Bowersox were kind […]

American Idol’s Andrew Garcia….it FINALLY Makes Sense to Me

You know it’s taken weeks, but I’ve finally figured out where I’ve seen American Idol’s Andrew Garcia before.  That’s right folks, I’m talking about Team America: World Police and I am, of course, referencing Kim Jong Il.  That’ll be all.

Now Which Week Will Crystal Bowersox Be Whitening Her Teeth?

Join Me on Facebook and Let’s Talk Teeth. update: July 8, 2010: CRYSTAL BOWERSOX NEW TEETH UPDATE!  I repeat, Crystal Bowersox has new teeth.  Alert! Alert! Alert! Crystal Bowersox has taken to her Twitter account to snap a piggity-picture of her brand new smile, which includes some nice new store-bought teef! Clearly the likes of […]

Haeley Vaughn: My Pick to Take American Idol

Alright folks, Hollywood Week began on American Idol this week and even though I haven’t seen everyone, I’m making an extremely early pick for my top two on Idol.  My first pick is Haeley Vaughn.  Haeley is just 16 years old from Fort Collins, Colorado and just may be Idols first African American country singer, […]

American Idol Dallas Recap in 17 Bullets

I don’t even know why I’m recapping this episode.  I think if I type while watching it somehow erases the fact that I’m a grown man who actually still watches this show.  It could be worse, however.  I could be doing what Seacrest is doing at the start of the show which is standing on […]

American Idol Recap: Boston, Wicked Pissah! Who’s Singin’ Unbreak My Haaaaahht?

Sully!  Aahh ya kiddin’ me?  Stahtin’ American Idol off in Boston (baby!) is so retahhded I can’t even stand it.  Had I known, I woulda gone ‘cuz I sing wicked pissah in the showah. I can belt out “Smooth Opahratah” by Sade like nobodies business. My muthah always says it to me. Anyway, I can […]

American Idol Recap: I Got 18 Bullets and a Bitch Ain't 1.

The President of the United States almost rudely interrupted the American Idol Results Show last night.  So rude.  In case you missed his speech, let me sum it up for you:  The world is going to f’n explode, but if you cover your mouth when you sneeze you may not get the Swine Flu. Moving […]

American Idol Results Recap in 18 Bullets

It’s double elimination night on American Idol.  I wish it was a triple elimination, 2 contestants and then American can just vote me out of life.  Here’s what went down on the results show, in proper bullet point format: Remember when Ryan Seacrest used to wear camouflage army pants and a jean jacket when he […]

American Idol Recap in 25 Bullet Points

Sometimes I like recapping the American Idol Results show because it usually makes me cringe with embarresment…kinda like when you’re counting your money when you walk by a homeless person and quickly put it in your pocket and say you don’t have any as soon as they ask you for some cash. Kinda like that. […]

American Idol Results Show: Please Let the Sun Go Down on Me

Ugh. Where to begin?  The show kicked off like robotic bat out of robotic hell when the Idol kids started to sing “Hot and Cold” by Katy Perry.  I hate this part of the show the most.  It’s like watching the Brady kids turn themselves into the Silver Platters and belt out a horrific tune.  […]

Vonzell Solomon: The Latest Airport Terrorist?

In, “I Forgot You Existed Until I Read This Story and Then Remembered That You Do Exist, You Aren’t Dead, and You Used to Be on a Show, But Haven’t Thought of You in Years and After Thinking About It Am a Little Surprised You Haven’t Done More With Your Career” news, Vonzell Solomon from […]

David Cook Wins American Idol

Ugh. Watching the American Idol finale was like running a marathon. Whilst watching I had people handing me little cups of water so I could dump it over my head and they also handed me orange slices to keep up my energy. I guess it’s no real surprise who won, but what was really surprising […]

Is Fantasia Having a Stroke?

So I thought I’d put on the American Idol last night that all the kids are watching and figured I’d regret it. I didn’t. I’m grateful to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that I put it on at just the right time. Did anyone see Fantasia “perform” last night? Well, I’m pretty sure the […]

Oh Paula, No No Paula, No No

I was moments away from slipping into a coma watching the American Idol kids sing Neil Diamond songs when all of a sudden Paula came to life like Vicki the robot from Small Wonder. In case you missed it, each contestant would sing their one song without any critique from the “judges.” After each sang […]

Idol Doesn’t Give Me Back My Time

Idol may be giving back, but they’re not giving me back my time wasted while watching this crap. So I think to myself, “IBBB, you dirt-bag, maybe you should check out “The Idol” and maybe you should recap the crap out of it.” Here’s how far I got… Sweet I love, “Please don’t stop the […]

American Idol 80’s Night

So it’s 80’s night on American Idol so I figured I would check it out. I mean how bad could it be? I grew up in the 80’s (I was also alive during prehistoric times, but that’s another story) so let’s see how the “guys” do this week as they sing the absolute piss out […]

David Hernandez Showed His Dingleberry?

Isn’t American Idol quite the wholesome family show? The singing, the dancing, the audience applause. Well you sick rat bastards did you know that one of your favorite American Idol contestants, David Hernandez, used to show his dingleberry and bum for money? Yup. Rumor has it that David used to work as a stripper at […]

American Idol Recap: Who Goes Home

Ah yes, the Idol is back and is just about ready to kick off 4 people so I thought it was the perfect time to recap that absolute piss out of last nights episode. Who stays? Who goes? How many times will Simon ask Paula what Ryan said? How many peace finger signs will Randy […]

Dear American Idol Contestants,

Dear American Idol Contestants, Hey there how are you? I’m sure you’re already stressed at this point so I’ll keep this short. I have a few requests, if you don’t mind. First, at the beginning of each episode when they announce you one by one and you enter the stage can you please stop doing […]

Reasons Why I’m Not Looking Forward to American Idol This Week

Yeah so “The Idol Machine” is back in full force this week and I’m not looking forward it all. Here’s why: It’s Hollywood week which means that people are going to be singing the worst songs, which will probably include but not be limited to: “Sugar Pie Honey Bunch,” “My Girl,” “Baby I Need Your […]