If Catfish was around in the early 2000’s this would certainly be the episode that Kim Kardashian would be featured in. Meet Antoinette. Antoinette is basically just trying to get famous and will stop at nothing to do so, including being on a show called Catfish where the majority of the episode consists of her speaking in a way that really says, “Come and get us, terrorists! Love, America.” Here’s the deal with Antoinette. She’s just a simple little girl living in Dallas where she has an Instagram account with hundreds of selfies mainly consisting of a wide variety of duck lips and the occasional ass shot, you know, for reasons that are clear to anyone with eyes and knowledgeable with the purposes of the Internet. Antoinette started following a skinny white rapper named…are you ready for it…wait for it….wait for it….duck-lip-selfie-yourself..wait for it….T Lights. Yeah, ok. Do they know that ‘T Lights’ sounds the same as “Tea Lights.” Therefore I’m coming up with my own white-rapper name this instant. You may now refer to me as “T Bag.” I was originally coming up with another name, but I’m not sure how many things rhyme with “Upholstered Ottoman.”
Moving right along, Antoinette is basically telling Nev and Max how she and T Lights (puke) started following each other on Instagram and how they have a combined following of 44,000 (because that means something?). She then says things that make me feel so old and I can barely follow. Suddenly I’m lost in the wild world of social media because she’s saying that they messaged each other on Instagram and then “Kik’d” each other their phone number and then started to text after they “Kik’d.” I’m sorry, what? I mean, I can almost relate because once I left a Myspace comment on Lauren Conrad’s Myspace fan page circa 2006 and she emailed me back with a link that I clicked on and suddenly found out it was a fake LC profile and my computer immediately got a virus and I had to throw away my laptop so….same/same. Either way, Antoinette is in desperate need for Nev and Max to find out if T Lights is really the white rapper she’s talking to or if it’s someone else. Since Antoinette is kinda hot in that “You’ll most likely move to Vegas, pick up a drug problem, get killed in the desert and then Dateline will run a story on you” kind of way, I really hope that the person she’s talking to is legit like the ghost of Nell Carter and lives in the woods. I’ve never wished that more than I do right now.
Per usual Nev and Max have a lot of misplaced excitement about this show and are going to fly out to Dallas to meet with Antoinette and yell at her for having that name because I misspell it every-single-time-I-type-it! They’re a little freaked out that this is another case where a “rapper” is trying to pull the gotcha gotcha on someone. Why do I feel like we’re seconds away from Nev starting to rap something nice and white like, “My name is Nev and I’m here to say, I don’t believe in product for my hair anyway!” all whilst Max tries to beat-box but, instead, bites his tongue, bleeds, pukes and passes out. Yeah, so, something like that.
They finally head to Dallas. Dallas, the home of…I don’t know what because I’ll never go visit…unless they start a Housewives franchise there and then, of course, I will go to take the bus tour. Nev and Max are going to meet Antoinette at work which is, of course, at a place called “Redneck Heaven.” For those of you who are unaware, Redneck Heaven is basically kinda like a Hooters, but way trashier, with worse outfits and girls who, well, girls who couldn’t really make it at Hooters. We all have to start somewhere! I, for example, started out writing letters to prisoners on death row and now look at me! I’m a blogger! Dream big, my friends (oh yeah!). Anyway, Antoinette exits from behind the bar and whacks her head on the bar as she tries to awkwardly crawl under it. I was like, annnnd she’s dead….episode over. I was secretly hoping that would have knocked some sense into her but, sadly, it didn’t. The sight of her almost exposed-barely-there-breasts was too much for Nev so he makes her cover herself up via (what I can only assume is) his pashmina. He was basically like, “Boobies? Yuck!” I jest. I, of course, assumed he banged her at the Radison they were staying at after they filmed this scene.
Antoinette introduces us to her co-worker who is her best friend and I immediately assume she’s the one doing the Catfishing and just changing her voice like Carmen from last week. As a sidenote, I now think everyone in life can change their voice like Carmen (the fat ass Kelly Price of our generation). Apparently, T Lights lives in Boca Raton, Florida and Antoinette and her friend went there for Spring Break (I mean) so they could finally meet but then T Lights got an attitude and basically pulled a Red Light and they never ended up meeting. Oh, and did I mention T Lights can never video chat with Antoinette because his “wifi sucks” and he’s always busy in “da studio?” They do, however, talk on the phone and she even has a saved voicemail from him that we all get to listen to. Take a shot if you guessed correctly that he would sound like a white Justin Timberlake trying to not sound so white. There was also some “red flags” that Antoinette brought up about T Lights stalking her Instagram page and then taking screenshots of her picture and texting it to her, but I wasn’t following what any of that meant or why it was considered stalking, or why I’m still watching this show for that matter. Oh, and go figure but apparently T Lights is doing a live show in two days so Nev and Max think they should just fly down to Boca Raton, attend the show, and then find out if T Lights is really the one who’s been texting our future Bachelor contestant, Antoinette.
After what I assume was at least 25 minutes of holding hands under the table, Nev and Max get to work in their research lab (aka their phone) to figure out who this T Lights really is. They do find his fan page and even click on a link of his latest “rap video” which you know made me turn red with absolute embarrassment. We’re all forced to watch a few seconds of this sh*t show which consists of his group rap-singing in what I assume is a parking lot of a Sizzler and Nev goes, “Well this does look pretty legit.” It’s like, both hands where I can see them, Nev! They then Google his phone number and it’s registered to some woman….who has a son…who is the brother of T Lights…whose real name is Albert…and they’re all connected via Facebook. Again, this makes sense to them and I’m just sitting here thinking, “Yeah I don’t get it. So this is going to be our standard fat lez in a shed…or no?” They then find the phone number to T Lights’ manager and give him a call. Per usual the manager is 100% unphased that Nev is calling him, but won’t give out any personal information about his “client.” I mean. He will, however, confirm that the cell phone number Nev just read to him was not T Lights’. However, they throw in some twist that T Lights brother manages his Instagram account, is married, and their voices sound exactly alike. This is all too easy. At this point I’m going still going with Antoinette’s co-worker. My second guess is that it’s actually Nev and he’s just too shy to admit it right now.
Somehow this turns into an episode of Intervention and after spending more time on Antoinette’s social media accounts they decide to confront her about how provocative her pictures are. In fact, there’s one video of her in a bikini just shaking her ass for about 6 seconds. It’s like, uh, relax Nev. Christopher Columbus fought on the Mayflower and married Princess Jasmine so that we all have the right to shake our ass on camera. Um, it’s called America?
They head over to Antoinette’s house and meet with her dad who may or may not have been a friend of Ronnie and Sam (staaahp!) from Jersey Shore. He, too, wants his daughter to stop shaking her ass on camera especially if she ever wants a “career.” Yeah, this is her career and she’s doing just fine. They keep saying things like “If you’re going for a job and someone Google’s you…” We get it. But in her case wouldn’t it be a good thing? Like, I’m sure Playboy would like the fact that you Google her and this recap of her CATFISH EPISODE comes up!? This show officially makes no sense to me anymore, but I’ll never leave it. Oh, and I love how when they confront her about that ass shaking video she explains it away by saying that where she lives is boring so she just did that for fun. Seems logical. Either way, they fill Antoinette in on the info they found about the weird cell phone number and the married brother and how it may be him that she’s been talking to for two years. Her response? “Ewww, gross!” She’s like the product of Paris Hilton having a baby with Paris Hilton. But, you know, with a tan.
Since the most logical thing to do is to just call T Lights with the number they have and confront him, they decide to not do that and fly to Boca Raton to ambush him at his “concert.” Perfect. Right up my alley. I love an awkward concert confrontation. So they fly to Boca for the night and, of course, Antoinette packs for 6 weeks. Yep, she’s that girl, but we all knew that. She’s also a nervous wreck and is totally freaked out that she’s most likely been talking to the brother of T Lights this whole time. So she comes up with a huge BURN if it is him which consists of her saying, “Yeah, you should go talk to your wife.” I mean, how she’s not writing for SNL is beyond me.
After slowly driving by the concert line (which is wrapped around the corner) they make their way into the packed bar with a camera crew and everyone staring at them. Somehow through the magic of television they’re able to get a private table to sit at and watch the show. What luck! What are the odds that no one had reserved a table at a packed bar?! WINK! After the “performance” of a little white boy rapping they head on out to the parking lot where Nev walks over to “the group” without a camera crew with him to see if T Lights is really the one that’s been talking to Antoinette this whole time. Nev is over there chatting it up for like 5 minutes and Antoinette is freaking the F out. It’s like, calm down bricks. Nev is obviously getting his flirt on.
Finally Nev returns to spill the beans that….YES it really was T Lights and he knew who Antoinette was and she hasn’t been Catfished. Although I’m pretty sure we’ve all been Catfished because now we know who she is and we also know who a rapper named T Lights is. You may have won this time, MTV! After an awkward hug and some rando exchanges that make me want to dirt-nap myself, nothing makes me cringe in horror more than their conversation about how they talk the way they text and….wait for it….wait for it….how their Emoji’s were so cute and meant so much to each other. I can’t. The youth of America today is just plain old terrible. In other news, I’m elderly.
In the end, they all head down to Miami to the recording studio (some house) so that we can listen to T Lights white rap and then to make things worse he’s going to sing a song with his guitar that he wrote for Antoinette. He explains the song is about “like when you meet someone and are nervous and are crushing on them and stuff.” So, like, an anxiety pamphlet you get at the doctors office? I’m confused. Either way it’s terrible, but at one point Nev starts dancing in the studio and I give my television the finger and begin to check my Facebook page for sport.
Antoinette thinks there’s this great connection with T Lights and she says how awesome Boca Raton is. Uh, ok? She’s also that girl that will move across the country on a dime for a new relationship. Where’s her mother? Exactly. Suddenly they have this terrible kiss that looked like two zombies from The Walking Dead trying to eat Carl’s face (God I need that kid to get killed on the show) and I retreat back to Facebook. Sadly in the follow up we learn that while things went well for both of them since they don’t live near each other they’re not doing to pursue a relationship….and besides, Antoinette, is in a new relationship anyway…and she Instagram’s pictures of she and said boyfriend so that T Lights can see it. Again, she’s that girl. And so is Nev. Hey-oh!