Catfish Recap: Whoo da Phuck?!

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The first 10 minutes of Catfish are always the best.  I typically spend the first 2 minutes or so thinking that I’m getting bored with the show, but before the 10 minutes are up I am fists to the sky and doing some form of a touchdown dance…which I typically get penalized for.  This week we are lucky enough to meet Ging-Beard-Derek.  If you’re like me, you’ve assumed that this was the Derek who has that fancy driveway that the trashy girl orgasm’d over on the regular.  No dice.  This Derek lives in a whimsical place called Detroit.  For those of you who don’t know, Detroit is a magical land filled with fairy dust, living angels, and a cartoon sun that dumps two scoops of raisins over your head each and every morning.  Allegedly.  I don’t need that sun suing me for my snowcones and the like.

Derek spent about 6 years in the military, which I believe is now the official criteria to be Catfish’d.  Therefore I’d like to go on record stating that I believe Osama “Yo Mama” Bin Laden is the one doing the Catfishing.  I don’t care what they say about killing him.  After he admitted his obsession with Whitney Houston I believe he is alive, living on an island with Lincoln, Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, and Anna Nicole and binge-watching Catfish.  Who’s with me?  No one?  Screw you then.  Either way, Derek has had a string of bad luck in the ladies department.  You see, he married his GED Sweetheart and had a baby with her…but then she cheated on him whilst he was overseas so they divorced.  Then he met someone in the army, got her knocked up, and shortly after she cheated on him with someone else.  So they broke up.  Now, you see, he’s met Kristen.  Kristen friended him on Facebook and they’ve chatting it up ever since.  She’s always been there for him and he wants to get this relationship going, but he’s afraid she might be hiding something considering they’ve never video chatted (yawn) and every time they’ve tried to meet in the past she’s always had to babysit.  Oh, did I mention he said she was a professional babysitter?  I can’t.  How can she hold down a full time babysitting job when the Girl Scouts take up so much of your time?  Those cookies aren’t going to sell themselves.  It’s cookie time, cookie time, cookie tiiiiime!  A box of them would be so niiiiice.  Even at twice the priiiice!  Kill me.

Moving right along.  Nev and his newly fixed foot along with Max and his darker than normal hair decided to take on this “case” and fly on out to Detroit to meet up with Derek and most likely get shot directly in the face no matter where they are during their visit.  After a quick one foot shuffle from Nev they’re ready to find out more about Kristen.  I have to be honest, I started thinking this was going to be a boring episode until Derek shows them Kristen’s Facebook profile.  First off her name is Kristen Whoo.  Nev and Max almost get each other pregnant, they’re going so crazy over her last name being “Whoo.”  Derek is unphased.  They just keep saying, “Who.  Like who.  Like, whoooo am I?”  Yeah we get it.  Who’s the Boss will be back in a moment…stick around.  Yeah, kinda like that.  Derek’s response is, “It’s just a name.”  Well at least he knew that.  You just shout ’em out when you know ’em, Derek!  Then Nev, Nev’s chest hair, and Max are all enamored over “how hot” Kristen is in her first picture.  Good cover, boys.  However, with the second picture they’re like “Yeah, that’s not her.  That’s a different person.”  Again, Derek doesn’t see the difference…even when looking at the two different pictures next to each other.  However, my friends, it gets worse.  It gets much worse.  The 3rd picture has the face blurred out and I can’t figure out why.  Immediately they’re like, “Yeah, no, that’s a picture of Vanessa Hudgens.”  For real.  Derek was like “who?” when he really should have been like, “Whoo!”  Per usual Derek has no clue who she is and I’m suddenly feeling less confident knowing that he was protecting our freedom.  I’m sure if they got to a 4th picture it would have been Messy Tessie from Garbage Pail Kids fame.  And of course the 5th picture would have been of Baby Jessica actually in the well.  You know you were thinking it.  Oh, you weren’t?  Touche.  Either way, Derek is all nervous now because he isn’t able to figure out the difference between three different people.  He would be horrible in a line-up, could never find the toaster hiding in the tree in a traditional Highlights magazine and, of course, will never come close to locating Waldo and/or Carmen San Diego.  And don’t even get me started on finding out where in the world is Matt Lauer.

We follow the standard investigation protocol that I now also abide by when I get a telemarketer trying to sell my crap on the regular.  Quickly we learn that the phone number for Kristen is actually a Michigan area code…but…you know…Derek forgot all about that.  This phone number is registered to one Ms. Chasity Noneya, which of course we all immediately knew to mean None Ya Business.  It’s the biggest joke right now on all the middle-school playgrounds so I was quick to jump on that one.  The other issue was that on Kristen’s Facebook page the URL said her name was Tricia Waurd.  So this chick has about 15 aliases and Derek didn’t pick up on any of them.  Perhaps he is missing eyes and we’re not aware?  Either way, let’s all be grateful this guy isn’t out looking for WMD.  Although he probably did and they were probably there and he probably just missed them.  Sleep well America!  After further investigation Nev and Max really feel like Kristen may be “Tricia” and is married with 2 children and basically living in the tree house in Derek’s backyard (or driveway).  They bring this news to Derek and he’s about to lose his sh*t.   I’m pretty sure he’s already Shasta McNasty’d in his britches 4 times thus far…and counting.

Nev calls up Kristen and she sounds like quite the delight.  She claims she doesn’t live in MI anymore and quickly has to go because she needs to “get back to babysitting.”  She’s really sticking with that story.  If she’s not 11 years old I’m going to be pissed.  However, the next day after dodging  Nev’s calsl all morning (which includes constant huffs and eye rolls from Nev) she texts him and let’s him know that there’s more to the story than anyone knows, but she’s ready to meet Derek once and for all.  Oh, and she lives an hour away.  She’s such a wicked Pinocchio.

Derek is ready to go into cardiac arrest during the entire car ride.  This dude is also kind of a downer, by the way.  They finally get to the house of Kristen and, well, it’s actually pretty nice.  What gives?  I mean she could be a squatter for all we know, but at least it’s not a shed we’re walking up to.  Although I really wish it was.  It make me feel like such a liar when it’s not.  They ring the doorbell and it’s….it’s…it’s….well I have no idea who that is, but it’s not the chick in the photos.  Oh, and it’s not Vanessa Hudgens.  It’s some chick with one of those haircuts where the side of her head is almost shaved, but the other side is kept long and she pushes it all to one side.  You know the type.  It’s almost like a sideways mullet or, like, if you put on Mr Potato Head’s hair crooked.  I prefer that one.  They just awkwardly look at each other.  Things get better when she tries to explain the fake profile.  First off, her name really is Chasity. Pretty.  But, shockingly her last name isn’t Noneya.  For shame!  Oh, and her name also wasn’t Tricia Waurd.  She made that one up too.  Apparently, and I could be getting a lot of this wrong because I barely can translate odd dialects of white trash…but she made the profile because her ex husband was in jail and she had full custody of the kids.  So she used this profile to spy on him and use what he said in future court cases.  She gave an example where I’m pretty sure she said, “I could read his status updates and see when he put up gang signs.”  Gang signs!?  I’m sorry, what?  So there are gangs on Facebook now?  Have they given up the streets and will now just try to poke you to death?  I’m extremely confused.  She does, however, apologize to Derek but just wants him to understand that it was just to protect her kids from online gang poke-bys.

Derek won’t hug Chasity and needs the night to let thing settle since he “trusted her” and “this hurts.”  How did he survive war?  I say you should have to go through Catfish before signing up for the military.  Someone make that happen…after the Government Shutdown.  See, I know current events.  The “next day” they do meet up and chat and almost flirt to the point where I look away and pray that it all ends soon.  Derek thinks that he’ll be able to trust her again one day and they agree to meet up again in the coming weeks.  They end it with a strange hug, odd cheek kiss, and family photo with Nev and Max, in which Nev of course makes the photo all about him.  In the end we learn a month later that they did, in fact, meet up again but decided not to move forward with their relationship because of differences of opinion that they have.  Uh, that makes sense.  However the best news was the update from Chasity, in which she got a new job at Burger King.  Things are looking up!

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