I wonder if that chick is still in Derek’s driveway? I bet she is. I’m also petitioning for this show to just be called” Derek’s Driveway: Who’s That Fat Chick in That There Shed?” I think it has a real nice ring to it. Awkward transition, this week we get to meet who I only can assume is Vern from Stand By Me. In other news, I’m old. Ole! After further research I discover that this kid is not actually fat young Jerry O’Connell, but is named Nick. Nick is 18 years old which means he can buy scratch tickets, vote, and go to war. He is not able, however, to know if the girl Melissa he’s been talking to for 6 1/2 years is actually who she says she is or if she’s just one of those, you know, Myspace sex-spam-bots who disrupt your hard-drive on the regular. I’d also like to use the term “CD-rom” at a time like this.
So if you’re like me and a scholar at mathematics and don’t need to go to extra help after school where potential diddling on the regular might take place, then you were able to quickly figure out that Nick met Melissa when they were both 12 years old. Here we go again. At 12 years old I was still being mistaken for my mom on the phone. This would continue for about 4 to 5 more years. Moreover, you would never guess in 17 million years how these two met. I’m not even joking. I’m actually laughing as I type this (i.e., lol). I don’t even know how to describe this. Ok. They met at some kind…wait for it…wait for it….de-flea your dog…wait for it…they met at some kind of Tila Tequila fan site where (it gets better) you could leave Tila Tequila voicemails (whaaaaaat?) and Nick listened to a bunch of them and thought that Melissa’s voicemail to Tila Tequila was funny and decided to contact her. I mean. I have no words. Ok I have a few. Who, what, when, where, why, and sometimes “y.” So, like, all of this actually exists? Do people know about this? Was this for free? Someone please research the ever-loving-piss out of this “voice-mail-service” and let me know at your earliest convenience, if not sooner.
Nick currently lives in Florida, looks 11 years old, wears gold chains, and has a sparkly Italian flag as his license plate. He basically looks as Italian as Pugsley Addams. He’s in quite the pickle because he’s soon to be moving to Texas for “college” and wants to meet Melissa once and for all. Melissa, on the other hand, lives in Iowa. So, well, there’s that. Iowa. Sounds pretty. In fact, it sounds like the type of place where all you do is leave messages on Tila Tequila’s voicemail. Oh, and to the people who are reading this from Iowa, I’m not talking about you. No, no. I’m referring to the people who lives across the street from you. There’s a difference. Glad we cleared that up. The other minor issue is that Melissa currently has a live-in boyfriend named something like Olin…or Olsen…or Oneida. Something where they just string letters together and call it a day. The good news, however, is that she and Nick still talk all the time, say “I love you” to each other and have even video chatted a few times. Well ring some bells, I say! Someone who has actually video chatted with the other person? Miraculous. One little catch is that they only video chatted twice…and it was at night…and he could see her face, but that really was about it. This is the part where I like to “go on record.” I say she’s just a head sitting on a broomstick and hooked up to a breathing machine. Also, we learn that Nick’s grandfather died a while back and Melissa was the only one he could talk to in order to get through it. I’d like to “go on record” again that I’m 99.8% sure that Melissa is really just the dead grandfather and he may or may not be contacting Nick via a Oiuja Board.
Sassy Max and Silly Nev are really hoping that Melissa is who she says she is (??) and that this will be a real love story. That’s code for, “sh*t is about to get real, real soon.” At one point we get to hear Melissa on the phone when Nick calls her and she says she’s “hot from washing dishes” and is out of breath. I immediately jumped up, pants’d myself, and shouted, “Ohhhh she sounds like she could be a fat chick in a shed…no whammies, no whammies, no whammies….STOP!” She also says her “boyfriend” is busy paying video games. This conversation is lame and they both sound like they’re choking on Feast of Saint Anthony sausages and capicola.
Later Max and Nev begin their detective work. They look her up on Facebook, find one picture of her pretending to kiss some chick and immediately say that she’s in a lesbian relationship. That makes sense. Please, she’s 18. I’m sure every girl under the age of 25 today has not only played scissors but also owns 4 different blazers. What a word. Blazers. Fun. After a little more digging my suspicion about her voice was dead on. They found some pictures of her looking a little on the obese side and, to make matters worse, waiting in line at what I can only assume is a theme park. Horrendous. They make some calls to some friends of hers, tell them that they’re Nev and Max from Catfish (sidenote: my new life strategy) and confirm that Melissa is in fact human and does live in sin with her “boyfriend.” They’re really pushing this lesbian story-line two weeks in a row now so let’s just all assume that they’re trying to make their way onto the Rosie O’Donnell show. That’s still on, right? I can’t keep up as I’m finishing up the final season of Step By Step. That roller coaster gets me every time.
Nev rushes over to Nick’s house to spill the beans that not only is Melissa a bit larger than expected she may or may not be a full on lez-lord. As Nick takes in this news and looks like he’s about to cry, I start to look at Nick and wonder if he’s actually a lesbian. No joke, I was like…wait he is a man right? By the way, he is. But still. This show has me shouting out all kinds of wild guesses. Even with the Jennifer Hudson pre-Weight Watchers weight (I got the power!) Nick is still all in and wants to go and meet her. After Nev dials her up she finally agrees to meet him. Like she agrees contractually. Robotically she says, “Yes. I. Want. To. Meet Nick. Zee Bop Beep.” After a quick airport haircut (and full body wax for Nev) they head on out to Iowa to make dreams come true. My next official guess is that Melissa actually is Rosie O’Donnell. My second guess is that she is, of course, Tila Tequila. Fingers crossed.
The only snag in the plan is that Melissa no longer wants to meet at her house because Olin isn’t ok with it So they meet at he friends. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. I’m so excited! And it is….ok fine, it’s her. And she looks like she did in the pictures. She’s not huge but a tight dress with horizontal stripes isn’t good for her and has technically given me a seizure. Nick just says, “Oh sh*t.” Sounds like love! And then they hug…for an awkwardly long time. Like really long. Like at one point I got up and washed grapes. They were pretty good. Do you ever wash grapes, take them off the vine, and then put them in a ziplock bag and freeze them? Really good. Pretty healthy snack and surprisingly refreshing. Once in a while I toss a tiny bit of sugar in the bag for an extra treat. Wait, is this technically Etsy that I’m on? Where was I? Oh yeah, the hug. One can only imagine the pit stains. Melissa is all nervous, but Nick is feeling good about this. The only thing running away in this situation is her two front teeth. One is heading west and the other is making a break for the east. I hope her toof comes and visits me! It can take a bite out of the Big Apple. See what I did there? Melissa clears up the lesbian rumor, you know, like should should have to on national television. She is explaining that it’s a “staged kiss” and it’s done with your thumbs. I mean. How the F old am I, for real? I want to check my birth certificate because I understand nothing so, well, if I’m eligible to retire in 10 months let me know now!
They go from awkwardly hugging to awkwardly sitting on opposite sides of the couch. Never a good sign but, again, very symbolic of her teeth situation. You learn A LOT here at IBBB University for the Poor and Destitute. Melissa is really on the fence because even though she isn’t officially in a relationship with Olin she does still live with him and it sounds like (puke) they’re still have sex (vomit) with each other (heave). In fact, if all things were even she still can’t decide. Nick understands. Is this kid for real?! I’d tell him to wait 2 weeks and he’ll start getting laid in college, but at the end we learn he’s in automotive college (is that a thing?) so no luck there. Unless he’s into prison sex. The “next day” Nev and Max head over to Melissa’s house without Nick so they can chat. I am legit shocked that house is still standing. It is an actual shack and the living room floor is plywood. In a nutshell, it’s a dream come true. And, to make things better, Olin’s mom also lives there. She must be quite the treat. Olin explains that he met Melissa on Facebook and so he emailed her and asked her to be his girlfriend right off the bat. She then moved in. Makes complete sense. Two week later he broke up with her because he didn’t like the label of having a live-in girlfriend. Yet they still bang (hurl). Melissa is fine with this. Nick is fine with this. This, my friends, is what happens when 3 people have low self esteem and are clearly willing to settle instead of growing a pair and being alone until they find a healthy relationship. Geesh. Iowa.
In the end, Nick and Melissa meet at the park to talk things out…awkwardly. They agree to just be friends for the next four years until Nick graduates from college. This gives Melissa time to get her GED and maybe even a job. Dream big! Oh by the way, I forgot to mention way back that Melissa had to go to rehab for cutting. So, I can officially end this with…”and that’s when I realized, Frankie was a cutter.” Good night everyone!