Catfish Recap: This EXACT Same Thing Happened to Me with Paula Abdul Circa 1989

catfish-bow-wow catfish-keyonnah catfish-dee-pimpin

Each week it’s like Catfish Catfishes us in new and exciting ways.  Just when you think it’s going to be the same old same old, they throw a wrench at us.  A wrench that typically misses our head and whacks us square in the nuts.  I say square in the nuts as I may or may not be Sponge Bob Square Pants.  I assume that was clear.  Anytrash, this week we get to meet Keyonnah.  Now I’m not going to pretend to spell her name correctly throughout this recap.  So don’t try to call me out on that or I’ll report you to the police and, in turn, you’ll be splitting a jail cell with an unnamed member of the Guidice family.  Keyonnah is from North Carolina, the more advanced of the Carolina’s, and has been in a “relationship” with whom she believes to be the rapper Bow Wow.  Now I know you all were thinking there was no way it was Bow Wow, but I totally believe it is him.  I mean, he claims he hosts 106 & Park and since I am Whitey McSans-Swag I going to think that’s the type of show you wouldn’t really brag about.  Plus, this seems like something that MTV would cook up (go cook a book) to reinvent his career.  I will be honest, however, and admit that at one point I did yell out at my television “It’s Greg Leakes….blonk!”

After Nev is done fixing Max’s hair (as grown men tend to do) they hop on a plane to fly out to a Carolina and meet Keyonnah.  Things get a bit strange because both Nev and Max are 99% sure that the person she’s talking to isn’t Bow Wow.  Keyonnah claims she’s only about 60% certain, but since she’s been to all of his concerts when she was in 2nd grade she’s still hopeful that a “major star” would sweep her off of her feet and fall in love with her via Facebook.  It’s the oldest story in the book, really.  Oh, and if you’re wondering why you have a tension headache at this point it’s most likely because you’ve been giving permanent side-eye towards your TV this entire time.  Kenya currently lives with her aunt because she has a little daughter and works part time at McDonald’s.  The good news is that she also claims she models part time, which basically means she has an Instragram account with dozens of duck-lip-selfies.  Speaking of which, why not click here to follow me on Instragam and see what I’m drinking!  Out of all of this my favorite “decoration” in the house was the chalkboard sign hanging in the kitchen that had a chef on it and said “Menu” and under “Menu” someone wrote in, “Whatever God blesses us with.”  I mean.  I stood up an slow clapped.  Also, something tells me that God is blessing them with a half dozen cheeseburgers that McDonald’s was about to throw out after the dinner shift.  I know it, you know it, and the lady who places the Beanie Babies in the Happy Meals knows it.

Here’s the thing, no one really believes this is Bow Wow…until Kendra claims that he sent her $10,000.  Well, his assistant, Larry Brown sent it to her.  Look.  I know that $10,000 is a ton of money, but they’re acting like it was $1 million.  I mean, I get emails 6 times a day with people willing to give me $26 million to hold and split because the King of Tajikistan is ill and his fifth wife is afraid for her own life after she, too, has been sick on her hospital death bed.  You know, the usual.  Kennedy took the cash and started paying her aunt’s mortgage, car payments on two cars, and her daughter’s daycare.  I’m sorry, what?  How the hell much are those total payment per month, like $250?  How long is $10K really lasting?  Fine, I’ll stop.  Per usual the one problem is that they’ve never been able to Skype because Bow Wow is really busy “filming stuff” or his Skype doesn’t have a good connection.   Ever.  Luckily through the brilliant research from Nev and Max they look up Bow Wow on what I can only assume is Wikipedia and read a quote from him that says he likes to Skype with his baby as much as he can.  They were basically like “case closed!” after that.  They also looked up the phone number and it was registered to some old white woman in North Carolina so, basically, I start a prayer circle that this old white woman is the Catfish.  Please my Jesus!  Nev and Max look up this white woman on Facebook and start scrolling through her friends, find a picture of a white man holding a baby and just assume that this is now the guy who’s doing the Catfishing.  Makes sense.  Solid proof.  Oh, and his name is Maurice.  You’d think his screen-name would have been Space Cowboy.

Max and Nev take all of this information to Kelsey and let her know that the person she’s talking to is probably either an old white woman or a ginger named Maurice.  Keyonce is devastated.  She kind of almost sort of cries, but nothing really comes out.  She even fooled herself because she had to check her eyes for tears.  Null.  After a little texting back and forth with Bow Wow things are looking bleak.  Bow Wow won’t call them back and claims he is filming 106 & Park right now so can’t talk.  And that’s it.  Luckily, the next day Bow Wow texts Nev and lets him know that he’ll be in Atlanta for a quick meeting before flying back to NYC so he’d like to meet his “princess” Keyondra.  Nev is now totally convinced that his might actually be Bow Wow, especially because he is from Atlanta so he thinks it now makes sense.  He still believes even though he reached out to PR at MTV and asked about Bow Wow and his assistant.  I love when reality shows break the 4th wall and basically reference that they’re filming a reality show. No, for real, I love that.  There’s nothing worse than when reality show people try to pretend they’re not on a reality show.  This is also known as Hills Syndrome.

They all gas up the car and make the 10 hour drive to Atlanta.  I’m going to fast forward to when they arrive and ring the doorbell….because it’s just that good!  Even though the house is small, there’s a TransAm in the street and an orange street cone tipped over on the front lawn I’m still holding out hope.  Nev knocks on the door and it is….it is…it is….it is NOT Bow Wow, but I’m pretty sure it’s Dudley from Different Strokes.  This little boy comes out all assertive and is like, “Hey Keyonnah” like this is no big deal.  He then claims that he’s 23 years old and I’m like this kid’s voice hasn’t even changed yet and he weighs about 85 pounds.  Then it happens.  It is actually not a boy…it’s a girl!  Whaaaaat!?  I  know.  I was like, “Ohhhh is this the chick from Orange is the New Black?”  I haven’t checked IMDB, but I’m 99.9% certain it is.  We learn that this chicks name is “Dee Pimpin.”  But why am I telling you that?  Obviously you probably guessed that.  Dee Pimpin is a lez-in-heat and likes to trick straight girls into hooking up with her on the regular.  Key-Key is bummed out because she’s not gay and now just feels embarrassed.

The possible best part, however, is how into this conversation Max is.  He wants to know how Dee Pimpin tricks straight girls into hooking up with her.  She keeps saying she doesn’t want to talk about it on camera…but then, well, she does.  Basically she says that she dresses like a dude and then…wait for it…places a dildo in her pants in case the girls want to touch down there.  I can’t.  Also, I’m now convinced more than ever that Nev is also a lesbian.  However, this doesn’t explain the money.  After Nev and Max Google “Dee Pimpin” and find no results they call BS on Dee’s claim that she makes all this money from “rap shows” she does each week.  I mean, at one point she says they’re just open mic nights so I’m confused.  After Nev calls her out she admits to just borrowing money from her friends so she could send $10K to Keep-on-Keepin-on-ya.  Even though Key doesn’t want any part of this Dee keeps saying that she wants to keep supporting her.  The other twist is that whenever Keyonnah was talking to “Bow Wow” on the phone it was actually Dee’s male cousin.  Ohhhhh double Catfish.  I love that, especially because it’s like a subliminal shout out to double cheeseburgers (Key’s job).

In the end, they end their meet and greet with a handshake and we learn that Keyondra won’t talk to Dee anymore.  In fact she won’t even take her texts.  On the flip side, Dee claims she’s a changed person and now just wants to help people.  I officially have no idea what this show is about anymore and ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!

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