Catfish Recap: They Make it Seem Like Stalking is a Bad Thing

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It seems like just yesterday we were in Derek’s driveway or in a lesbian love affair with Precious, but now it’s the season finale.  You would have thought that after Season One people would have been more apt to spot a Catfish in the wild but, alas, we are Americans.  If we’re not spending our valuable time in the drive-thru, we’re busy trying to figure out which Jenner is Bruce and which is supposed to be Kris.  #DebtCeilingWho?  This week we get to travel to Florida to meet Mike.  Mike is an artsy fellow who lives with both of his parents (in sin), most likely has Gremlin sheets on his twin, and may or may not have to play sexy time with himself out in the back of the garage which dozens of squirrels are forced to watch and then communicate with their young to stay away from the bearded man with the spitting lizard.  Mike has fallen in faux-love with a sweet girl named Caroline (see what I did there – so good, so good, so good) with whom he met on a “dating site.”  I think we can probably rule out eHarmony because I don’t believe Mike has the mental willpower or motivation to fill out any form of a survey….er…I’ve heard.

The good news is that sweet Caroline lives in the same exact city as Mike.  However, even though she’s probably living in the tree house in his parents backyard, they have never met.  In fact, every time they try to video chat her camera is usually broken or there is no connection.  I somewhat take back what I said about Mike, because he might be a real go-getter.  He’s used all the skills he learned from Max and Nev last season to “image search” and “Google her name” but nothing really came up.  Oh, unless you mean the other Facebook page Caroline had with a slightly different last name.  Mike did email that account, but never heard back.  So he thinks he’s just being ignored because she only wants to talk to him via her second account.  The italics were really used to convey the side-eye I’m giving whilst I type.  Per usual, Nev looks like he’s ready to pass out from one giant huff and hip-jet and Max, well, Max has basically given up on this show during the reunion show last season.

To make matters worse Mike informs us that Caroline claims she has colon cancer.  So, to sum up, whether or not this is/was true there’s no way we can win at this situation.  Although I did blurt out, “Katie Couric!” for reasons that I think make sense to me.  Mike is bummed that while he is there for her during the cancer treatment he wishes he could be there physically.  I think he means like penis-ly, but can’t be fully sure, as I am not a practicing physician.  Just when you’re really starting to feel bad for Caroline we quickly discover that they were supposed to meet up a bunch of times, but she always bails at the last minute…including the time when they were both in the same store and she pretty much Bugs Bunny’d her way through the wall, out in the parking lot, and back to her home (which I already guess is 4 unfolded pizza boxes held together with sugar water, bodily fluids, and hope).  But don’t worry about Mike not feeling wanted because Caroline has sent her friend to drive by his house on various occasions and once even wrote him a note and left it on his Jeep.  Oh and she even took pictures of the front of his work and sent them to him so, you know, there’s that.  It’s official.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is either a dude who may or may not be a Level III or, most likely, both of his parents trying to find new and innovative ways of getting him out of the house once and for all.  I mean, the Brady’s used to try it with ghosts but today, boys and girls, it’s done with an MTV reality show and a camera crew.

I, for one, am impressed with the stalking abilities of Caroline.  I mean, the fact that she’ll stalk the Shasta McNasty out of him and still be willing to show her face on national television is all very Kardashian of her.  Wow, two Kardashian references in one blog post?  I have to be willing something big to life!  Part of me even feels bad for Mike because he claims he can’t move on with his social life because he still has feelings for Caroline, but on the other hand they’re all talking about his “art” a little too much so I’m assuming this is just one giant plug.  Sidenote, Nev’s biggest “tell” is when his one eyebrow arches up all the way to Heaven.  It’s like relax dude, I’m sure Mike’s parents will be ok with you shacking up in the twin.  After all you are a pseudo-celeb.

Neverland and Maxipad (see what I just did there…I rule at life) must be reading this here site because they’ve finally decided to up their “investigation” by talking a lot about the GPS locator on your uploaded images from your phone.  Thanks for the tip but that won’t help me as I typically like to Catfish myself and, well, I already know where my apartment is.  This time, however, Nev figures out that the picture of Caroline is from the same part of Florida that Mike is from.  I believe it’s called Pepsi Cola, but I have no way of knowing as I’m not a cartographer (Latin, meaning:  One who lives in a shopping cart).  They also hit up the randoms of Facebook and even video chat with one chick who is friends with the real Caroline and looks like she might bob for apples in the laps of drunken frat dudes.  Sadly we learn that the Caroline that Mike has been talking to isn’t who he thought.  I know.  I couldn’t believe it either.  It was like living that whole Santa tragedy all over again.  The real Caroline did video chat with Max and Nev in order to let Mike know that he’s been duped for the past 1.5 years.  She seemed nice, but almost like she was hiding something.  Perhaps a ding-ding.  We may never know.

When Nev needs to break the news to Mike he starts to tear up a bit.  I found myself shouting, “Hold it together dude!  You don’t even know how obese she is yet!”  I mean, that’s when the real crying should begin.  Mike feels stupid and embarrassed, but he really shouldn’t because he should feel lazy and not “putting himself out there” too.  Don’t just stop at those surface feelings.  Really dig deep.  Nev ends up calling up fake Caroline and she sounds like she’s in the middle of perfecting her morning #2 and just took the call at the same time.  She had the kind of voice that said, “I’m not full yet.”  You know the type.  She is all nervous and then basically just starts with that shaky voice and saying, “But he’s my Michael!”  Per usual I lowered my blinds and locked my door because I don’t feel safe and neither should you.  Alas, she agrees to meet up with them but in an open place where she can possibly run from a murder scene if at all necessary.

You know things can’t be great when you’re meeting at a public park.  All I can think about is that episode where it ended up being that crazy dude who wanted to teach strangers a lesson about cheating.  I still have nightmares about him.  Suddenly a white Mazda 3 pulls up and I suddenly realized I missed the suspense of the front door opening.  Therefore we need to settle for the car door opening.  And it is…it is…it was soap poisoning!  Wait, no.  It is…it is…it is…some random fat chick who is not Caroline.  And she has a long walk from her car to where they’re sitting.  Eh, not the worst thing.  We learn that Mike actually knew this girl, Heather, from the online dating site (PlentyofFish) a while back when she…wait for it….wait for it….already Catfished him once!  I mean.  Apparently once she told him who she really was he was pretty mean and so she started up another fake profile later to get her revenge and, well, through all that she’s fallen in love.  Here’s the thing.  I know this is going to sound mean but, well, you’re here.  She started talking to him 1.5 years ago.  And he “liked her” over the phone and she liked him.  Couldn’t she had started losing the weight over a year ago to get herself in some shape so that when she met him finally she could have been like, “Well I only look a little different.”  Also, she could have raised from money for various plastic surgeries.  I mean, in today’s day and age we need to have strategies like this.  Either way, he’s pissed, she’s crying and Nev looks nervous.

For reasons that only God must know, MTV decides to show a little clip of Max and Nev frolicing on the beaches of Florida.  At this point I’m almost certain that the MTV props department glued actual Muppet hair onto Nev’s chest because there’s no way a chest hair pattern like that exists.  They even play “Max is drowning in the ocean and Nev must save him.”  But don’t worry folks because Nev also saved some chick too.  Although you know he wanted to toss her back in the water and should, “!”

The next day they invite her over to Mike’s house for a possible gang-bang and a chat.  She comes clean on everything and does not have cancer.  She made it up so that she wouldn’t lose him.  She admits it makes her a horrible person because she lost a lot of people in her life to cancer.  Suddenly Mike starts crying and slowly says, “Recently….my dad….sniff sniff” and I thought he was going to say got cancer but instead says, “…got diabetes.”  Look, that still sucks for sure but it’s not the same/same.  Plus, Paula Deen and Tom  Hanks make it sound fun!  Whimsical, even.  Nev lets her know that she needs professional help and it’s ok because he and Max have also seen therapists.  I’m not sure if them fighting over cracker crumbs in the bed requires a therapist, but I’m not want to get in between a lovers quarrel.

In the end, things take an odd turn when Nev has Mike video chat with the real Caroline and the two really hit it off.  Is this what Silver Linings Playbook was all about?  I’ll assume yes, but only because I can’t commit to sitting to watch a movie.  An MTV marathon, yes.  A two hour movie?  Not so much.  The good news is that Heather is doing well now, is losing some weight, and is starting a blog to talk about her experience.  So maybe she’ll link here or something.  Someone ask Su Chin Pak if she knows.  Sidenote, I can’t recap the reunion because (A) it’s terrible and (B) it’s about 40 minutes of episode look-backs, 5 minutes of updates, and the rest is commercials.  Oh, well wait.  That one chick did get proposed do by Derek and she didn’t seem too thrilled.  I hope they get married in Derek’s driveway.  She really seems to like it.

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