Catfish Recap: The Case of the White Hand

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If MTV won’t take my plea seriously to rename this show “Fat Chick in a Shed” then please let’s all just call it “I Can’t” because, well, I can’t.  This week we meet Anthony who lives in the part of Texas where people just tack up mirrors wall to wall in their home for inexplicable reasons.  Picture Mrs. Roper’s apartment, but with tile flooring.  We learn that Anthony got a Purple Heart in the Iraq war and my own blackened heart began to sink because I realized I couldn’t make fun of him.  Welp, then I saw his eyebrows and it was like a ribbon cutting ceremony in front of a new local ice cream parlor was taking place for my brain and I was the mayor holding the giant scissors.  For some reason Anthony decided it would be a good idea to basically shave “quotation marks” into each eyebrow.  It really helps to make his orange dyed top hair pop on camera.  Plus it totally saves you time on having to do air-quotes when you have to explain to people “I got Catfish’d”

Like all of our other Catfish friends,  Anthony needs the help of Nev and Max to figure out if the man he’s been dating for the past 7 months and never met is really who he says he is.  I’m sure the shirtless pictures he’s sending Anthony on the regular are totally authentic.  I’m also sure he should spend more time on his Catfish application than on Google to solve this “Choose Your Own Adventure” mystery himself.  At one point Anthony flew out to meet his new boyfriend Marq and never even questioned that he spells his name with “Q,” but sadly Marq was a n0-show.  If I was a betting man, I’d venture that Marq got sick or maybe lost on the way to meet Anthony and that’s why he never showed.  However, this one really takes the cake.  Apparently, the “next day” Marq texted Anthony and told him that…wait for it…wait for it…slap yourself in the privates until gold coins come out…wait for it…wait for it….he told Anthony that he was car jacked and THEN run over by the car.  I mean.  Drop the mic, dude, because there’s no way you can top that.  Even better “black” Marq texted Anthony a picture of his  arm in a cast…but there was a little tiny itsy bitsy catch.  Yeah, the arm he texted was that of a white man.  Even Nev was like, “Um that is a white mans hand.”  Well good for you Nev.  You just shout ’em out when you know ’em!  I bet Nev finds the toaster in the tree of a Highlights 6 times out of 10.  So good!

Speaking of Nev (1) Why is it pronounced “Neev” when it’s spelled Nev and (2) how the hell does he grow a beard like that?  It legit is about 2 centimeters away from his eyes.  I added centimeters so that the folks reading this in Canada could understand because this is what I believe the metric system is all about.  Or is that kilometers?   Ah yes, kilometers.  Nev’s beard is about 10 kilometers away from his eyes.  There, that’s better.  As a sidenote, does anyone else feel unsafe that this dude was protecting our country and our safety when he wasn’t smart enough to not get Catfish’d?  This is not what George Washington sacrificed his life for when he discovered America in 1692 by setting sail on the Love Boat. By the way, that last sentence was historically fact-checked and 100% true.

The odd thing about this crapisode is that Nev and Max pretty much figure out what the deal is in reference to Marq about 20 minutes in, which leaves us plenty of time to really get to know the Catfisher.  This, folks, is important for us as a society.  After using professional detective tools like “Google” and their “telephone” we quickly discover that Marq is not who he says he is.  In fact, we get to meet the person who “Marq” is using as his Facebook profile.  That dude’s name is Justin and he does a little Facetime with Nev and Max.  Justin is all like, “Hey Anthony, sorry you got Catfish’d.  Deuces.”  Not for nothing but why am I not cool enough to get Catfish’d?  I mean, it’s probably better that way.  If you can’t accept me at my Amanda Bynes then you don’t deserve me at my Lindsay Lohan.  Moving on.

I have to admit that the guy, Fermell, that they discover is Catfishing Anthony is an actual dream come true.  I’m not exaggerating when I say that he literally would be the spawn of Roz from Night Court and the mother from Precious if they got together and had a baby.  I couldn’t get enough.  I kept slamming my pots and pans against the wall and running up the stairs pretending I was chasing Precious with her bucket of chicken.  I would then stop and do my best “Roz” into the imaginary camera.  To sum up, I need an immediate mental evaluation.  Regardless, the whole crew heads out to Jackson, Mississippi (or Miss Jackson if you’re nasty) to meet up with our Precious Roz.  This neighborhood looks like the aftermath of a horrific tornado, but I soon find out this is just how “the poors” live.  Anthony looked scared enough that you know he thought someone was going to try to mug him for that tattoo on his lower neck that was the pyramid with the eye on a dollar bill, thinking it was actually a dollar bill super-glued to his throat.   As what I can only assume is an homage to IBBB, they of course go into the garage to meet Fermell and, well, it’s as awkward as one could anticipate.  I was like a kid on Christmas trying to peek behind him to see what the inside of the house looked like and was filled with glee when I spied with my little eye some wood paneling in the background!  It was like the Heavens opened up and trash fell out of the sky directly into my heart.

Per usual, that Catfisher isn’t too chatty and seems a little scared, so it only makes sense that they go back the next day so we can meet the Catfishers friends as well.  I mean, why not humiliate as many people as possible in the shortest span of time?  Anthony is so mad right now that his “blonde hair” is starting to turn red I believe and he won’t really hear anything that Precious Roz has to say.  They keep asking why he did this, but never really listen to the answer.  Then Nev chimes in and asks Precious Roz who the “real Fermell” is.  Um, I thought it was like one of his rhetorical questions or just simply pleasantries, but suddenly Precious Roz opens up a baby book and starts walking us down memory lane.  I was like, uh you just happen to have that handy next to you…because you never stood up to get it.  Either way, Precious Roz is crying about how he had to have surgeries when he was little and got really fat because of it and then basically wanted to kill himself so telling tall tales on the Interwebs was his only escape.  It’s like, duh I get it.  I’ve had a really hard life too.  Just last week alone I waited in line at Starbucks for my grande green iced-tea for twenty actual minutes.  No joke, that really happened.  And I was second in line the whole time!  Second in line and still twenty minutes?!  I was like, what’s New York’s policy on the death penalty?  Either way, in the end Anthony forgave Precious Roz and they all took an awkward family photo and then that was it.  Anthony got the hell out of Dodge.  Sadly, these two haven’t spoken since filming, but the good news is that Precious Roz is now dating a real life boy.  Uh, ok Pinocchio.  Doubtful.

Feel free to Facebook Like this post and share it with your friends and then get someone to Catfish me.  I think I have a new angle of selling out!

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