Breaking News: Nev got a haircut. Technically the episode should end right there, but we’re all along for another ride in the wild and crazy world that is known as ‘Catfish.’ This week we get to meet Lucille. Personally I’m not convinced that’s her real name as no one has been named that since the mother in The Karate Kid first entered our lives circa 1985. For those of you too young to recall that (1) why don’t you go F yourself and (2) 1985 was the year that Columbus discovered Idaho via the Santa Maria, which ironically struck and killed hundreds on a little ship named the “Titanic.” The More You Know.
Lucille has really got herself into quite the pickle this week. You see, she was bored one day and started listening to some music from an artist called Kidd Cole. Apparently he’s the “youngest” person to be named a producer on Kanye West’s label. I mean, I totally have the street cred to get away with typing sentences like that. Word. After following Kidd Cole on Twitter she decides to DM him (which I just learned is not a sex act) and the two began exchanging emails ever since. Because at the end of the day, famous people love to befriend random strangers on social media and pour their souls out to them. However, some things had gone astray and so Lucille has enlisted the help of the modern day Bobbsey Twins, Nev and Max. After Nev rapped for a few minutes (did I not call that in last weeks recap or what!?) and then video chatted with Lucille for a few minutes they were off to Philadelphia, where evidently Lucille was born and raised. I believe that on a playground is where she spent most of her days; chillin’ out, maxin’ realaxin’ all cool and shootin’ some b-ball outside of the school….well, you know the rest.
If it’s one thing you know about me by now is that I couldn’t love anything more in life than I do poor people. Well, the only thing better is poor peoples houses. It’s like this magical world of junk, crap, and trinkets all meshed into one horrific theme. And that theme, you ask? That theme is poverty and it goes with everything! As soon as Nev and Max rolled up to Lucille’s apartment I was like “Shut the front door!” No really, like shut the front door because it’s missing glass and/or a screen and the bugs/animals/robbers can get right in. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it! Moreover it gets better once we get inside. If you thought I couldn’t love wood paneling for walls any more than I do, you’d be highly mistaken. Enter, “popcorn walls.” It’s like Jesus Himself is calling me home right now. Meanwhile, you know what else “the poors” apparently can’t get enough of? Owl clocks. (sidenote: I originally typed “owl cocks” and squealed with delight for upwards for 48 seconds) For real. I dare you to find a poor house that doesn’t have an owl clock hanging sideways on the “kitchen” wall. And they love tablecloths with apples stitched all over them. It’s like these poors can’t get enough of nature! However, my favorite part of her home was the giant wooden hutch in the background. Sure most people display plates and wine glasses in their dining room hutch but, no, not Lucille. Hell to the no. She just jammed bags, clothes, books, bottles, mail and generic aspirin into that thing until it was ready to bust the plexi-glass off of it. It’s like, does she know we can see through glass? Obviously, don’t change a thing.
But let’s not forget why we’re here; for the Catfishing. After emailing with Kidd Cole for a spell, his manager Miguel randomly calls up Lucille and invites her to Kidd Cole’s star-studded birthday bash. The guest list included people like, Robin Thicke, Kanye and Pharrell so it only made sense that Lucille was next on that list. However, as always, there’s just one liiiiittle catch. You see, Lucille needs to help them out with some minor things like hiring security, booking hotel rooms and getting a car service for Kidd Cole and his crew. Oh, and did I mention that their money is “all tied up with the record label” so Lucille is going to have to front the bill? I mean, at this point why didn’t they just also ask her that they need pictures of her vagina sent to them for insurance purposes?! Since Lucille is about as bricks as they come, she agrees to all of this because she’s under the impression that if she does a good job she’s securing herself a major full-time job at the “record label.” I think all of this makes sense so I don’t know why you all are judging her! On the plus side, Lucille did a great job booking everything. On the sh*t-bag side, she received about a dozen invoices and Miguel “the manager” disappeared so she now has to pay the bills since they’re all in her name. P.S., the grand total was over $23,000. Seriously, can we vote to give her the electric chair? I mean, is that a thing you can vote on because if it is I want to vote. I want to vote now. I want to vote often.
While Miguel “ghosted” outta there, Lucille has heard from Kidd Cole one more time this month. Apparently he emailed her to ask for her credit card because he needs it for a show (or something) that he’s doing that’s somehow ties to CNN. The news? Ohh la la! This time, Lucille isn’t falling for that trick (like she did the other 300 times) and said no. I like how she got all ballsy talking to Nev and Max saying things like, “Mmm hmmm, no sir he messed with the wrong girl this time!” Like, did he really? I’m pretty sure you fell for this money trap to the tune of $23,000 so the joke still is kinda sorta on you. And shame on Lucille for not taking a little money off the top and getting a screen for her front door. Have a little modesty!
The rest of the episode, I have to admit, is action packed. And I’m going on record saying this episode may be my favorite of all time. There were twists, turns, and other words that depict movement. Since each week I make fun of Nev and Max for basically just Googling a phone number for their “research” it only makes sense that this week they put the screws to me (is that a saying?) and basically Shazam Kidd Cole’s music, only to find out it’s a song by someone else…titled Gary Coleman. Well “what you talkin’ about Willis?” because we’re going to cover just about everything in this crapisode, clearly. Finally they simply Google his name and up pops tons of “Kidd Cole Scam” sites where people are basically telling the same story that Lucille told. One person is a limo driver named Loretta. We’ll get to her in a minute. They also end up calling MTV and asking them if Kidd Cole is real and how there’s a band page on their site about him. They (1) acknowledge that anyone can create a band page (sweet, I’m doing it!) and (2) they’ve never heard of him. I, for one, am shocked that there is false information on the Internet. This is why I strictly get all my information from my 1988 World Book Encyclopedia series. Screw you, Britannica!
After they spill the beans to Lucille she claims she’s stunned. I mean, is she really? You mean to tell me she watches Catfish, took the time to fill out an application, video chat with the Bobbsey’s, yet never took the time to enter the words “Kidd Cole” into Google? I smell a poor Pinocchio on our hands! Either way, they decide to call Kidd Cole and they completely catch him off-guard. Here’s the thing, they totally spin it like Lucille just wants to meet him and they mention nothing about scamming her out of money. Therefore, he agrees for them to meet him in D.C. This is exactly why I haven’t given up on this show…because just when you think you’ve seen it all, Nev and Max pull the gotcha gotcha on the Catfisher!
While you may think that our unsung hero of this episode is Lucille. It’s not. It’s actually Loretta, the limo driver, that Nev and Max found online. She agrees to meet them at the hotel and then to drive them around DC whilst she tells them of how she was scammed by Kidd Cole earlier that month. It really is quite the story. It consists of her having to pay $3,000 out of her own pocket for upgraded car service and then taking him to dinner and then shopping at H&M. That really should have been the tip-off. However, Loretta smelled a rat and ended up somehow driving to his “grandmother’s” house for a surprise visit, was let into the house by an old woman and Kidd Cole never came down do greet her. On her way out the old woman whispered to Loretta, “They’ve been here for two months, I think they’re homeless!” Honestly, I can’t get enough of this. I feel like this is a bedtime story I’ll tell to my children one day. Also, if Catfish doesn’t get a spin-off where we they just catch scam-artists I’ll really be let down. And if Loretta doesn’t get to host that show, I’ll sue!
They finally make it down to meet with Kidd Cole…who actually shows up! He thinks it’s just a regular meet-and-greet (not to be confused with a meat-and-great) and then Nev and Max get all crazy on him and start calling him out on what he’s done. Kidd Cole just spends about 3 minutes on his phone, with the screen directly in front of his face, not answering anything. Suddenly, Nev takes a cue from 3 different episodes of Who’s the Boss and hatches a plan. He tells Kidd Cole that he likes his phone case, gets real close to it, and then snatches the phone out of his hands and throws it into the river! For real. I jumped to my feet and proclaimed, “Nev. Today you are a man.” It was kind of awesome. Shortening his hair must have really helped his balls finally drop so, well, good for him. The producer guy (from the other week) enters the scene all shaky and apologizing. Nev barely apologizes at first and both are eye to eye calmly looking at each other. It was hard to tell who wanted to kiss who more. I think since Kidd Cole had gross long fingernails and an eerie side of soft sass at all times, my guess is that he wanted to kiss Nev more. I’m not a doctor, I’m just saying. Nev and everyone on staff promise to buy him a new phone, but at the same time Nev just keeps saying, “Sucks to lose something, huh?” I mean you could cut the sexual tension with a knife.
Kidd is done filming for the day, but agrees to let them come back tomorrow where he’ll be “in da studio” working on “his music” so he can prove them all wrong. So, the next day they all go to some house and meet him in the basement where he’s “recording.” His friend “the engineer” is there and within two seconds you could tell this was another scam. The friend, Hadi, was all skittish like Suzi from Teen Mom 2. Kidd Cole plays them one of his songs he was just working on, but Max basically Shazam’s it and he instantly knows that it’s a “famous song from a famous group.” I couldn’t tell. Was it Wannabe by Spice Girls? Who knows.
Next up Nev gets the great idea to rap right there in the booth and, what do you know, Kidd Cole and Hadi have no idea how to work any of the sound systems. They can’t even get to the mic to work in Nev’s booth. The only good thing about that is that we don’t have to die to secondhand embarrassment watching Nev try to rap…again. At this point there’s just awkward silence and Hadi books it out from the basement and out the front door. Like an episode of COPS, the camera crew chases after him and out front he admits to not being an engineer and only knowing Kidd for a month. Apparently Kidd called him and told him he needed to find a studio ASAP. So, from COPS to Intervention they decide to confront Kidd about this new information (Hadi is now nowhere to be found). He comes up with some story about being in foster care when he was little and the social worker telling him he’ll never be a music producer. And now he claims he just wants to “silence the haters.” Is that the same thing as the other episode when that obese Catfish told us she just liked to “put people on blast?” Either way, Max tells him he knows he’ll never replace the money, but maybe a little apology would suffice. And, yeah, he didn’t get around to that.
As if it couldn’t get any better, he never did his video chat follow up two months later but luckily Lucille did and she filled us in that now he’s apparently scamming people and claiming her was the co-producer to Beyonce’s Drunk in Love. So, yeah, there’s that. I’d look into that one more, but I’ve been too busy drinking watermelon.
P.S., Whilst you’re here, play and share my “Which Catfish Character Are You?” quiz I created. Life. Changing. Share your results!