Figure out your A/S/L because it’s time for another crapisode of Catfish! The episodes are like the Flintstone’s movies…they can never make enough. This week we meet Solana who, of course, works at a salon(a) and may or may not be a reject from an Avril Lavigne video. I’m just kidding. She is. She lives in Delaware, which is really a big moment for me because now I officially know one person who lives in that state. Moreover I take comfort in the fact that the US didn’t sell Delaware to Greenland in 1767 like I originally thought.
Solana is in quite the online pickle because she met a boy named Elijah (most likely a religious freak of sorts) on…wait for it…wait for it…slam your ding-a-ling into your laptop…wait for it…Myspace! Hooray! I feel like as soon as she said met him on Myspace confetti should have fallen from the ceiling and Nev should have busted out with a combo dance that consisted of the Macarena and the Electric Slide all whilst Max “made it rain” over him with Monopoly money. But, you know, that’s just me. Solana was 13 years old at the time and was trying to get over her parents upsetting divorce so she logged onto Myspace, talked to a few dozen sex-spam-bots, watched glittery Betty Boop’s high kick whist floating down her page, and then finally met Elijah and “he just made everything better.” Yeah, great parenting by letting your 13 yr old daughter talk to strangers online. I feel like a tagline could be, “The Internet: The New Puppy in the Van.” That’s it, I’m making t-shirts.
Per usual there is something strange about Elijah and I’m not only referring to his emo piercings and emo flat-ironed hair with layers. Now this is good. Apparently he was only allowed to call Solana because she had a cell phone and he only had a house phone (like 1982) and his mom was “real strict” and didn’t want him talking on the phone. To make things even better he only had an “ipod” with a texting app so that’s the only way they really could talk. I’m sorry does any of that actually exist?! Back in 2007 my iPod only could hold up to about 200 songs (mainly Destiny’s Child and “Now That’s What I Call Music Vol. 1-200”) and certainly did not have any online capabilities. But, fine, I’ll go with his story.
Shortly after talking on Myspace and the like they decide to be “boyfriend and girlfriend” because, you know, that makes sense. Suddenly after years of chatting, Elijah’s Myspace profile disappeared and Solana was devastated. Actually I was devastated that before Elijah disappeared he didn’t use that opportunity to say “So-long-a, Solana!” I mean, real missed opportunity. Either way, I’m most interested in who she added into her Top 8 after Elijah bailed. It must have been a stellar day for whoever that was. After a 2 year hiatus Elijah reappears like Jesus outside the tomb and hits Solana up on Facebook (the new Myspace). He claims that he went away for 2 years because his mom put him on “lock down” and took away his Internet access, phones, etc. She sounds lovely. Therefore, Solana needs the help of Nev, Nev’s chest hair, Max, and Max’s grey pelo to help solve this mystery so she can decide if she should be with her fake Myspace lover or her new real-life-we-can-see-him boyfriend, Danny, that she met not long ago. This is where I make my high-stakes wager that Danny is actually Elijah. Either that or Elijah is really Solana’s divorced daddy who also dabbles in diddling. He’s like a diddle dabbler. You know the type.
However, before Nev can really help Solana he needs to stop by her salon(a) called, “All About U.” I mean. Finally a place that gets me! All About U is quite the upscale establishment that is basically a derelict house with a giant sign on it and dead bushes everywhere. And you totally know Aveda is like, “Yeah thanks for the shout out, but can you take our name off your sign? Cool, thanks.” Like the millions of Americans and 10 Canadians watching, I squealed with delight when Nev just had to have Solana style his hair before he could continue on. It was basically like watching the video to “Bills, Bills, Bills” and, yes, that is two Destiny’s Child jokes in one recap. You’re welcome!
Nev and Max go back to their roots by image searching the F out of all the pictures they have of Elijah. At first up pops a woman by the name of Denise. Nev immediately loses his erection. However, at this point Max takes the time to school Nev on how this really could be a woman because when you’re 13 years old your voice is much higher and could sound like a girl. The only thing missing from this lesson was for Max to make Nev point on the doll where the bad man touched him. Anyway. They then find about 100 online profiles of Elijah and some (gulp) Youtube videos that are just as horrible as that sounds. We’re then forced to watch videos of “said” Elijah talking all emo into the camera and then for reasons that are unclear to me he begins to teach people how to do a high pitch scream (like Steven Tyler?) by simply opening their mouth wider. Nev’s erection is back. The main takeaway is two things. (1) Stay off of Youtube and (2) It’s 2014, the sad skater boi look with multiple lip piercings is over. Stop it. Thank you for your time.
I’m not quite sure what it is they think they’ve found, but they scurry back over to Solana’s house like bitches in heat to spill the beans on Elijah’s Youtube page. Solana is surprised he’s on Youtube as he claimed to never be able to video chat or, you know, have access to the magic of the telephone, but here he is on Youtube telling his “fans” that they can Skype with them if they want. Speaking of “fans” his video views were at, like, 55,000 and that’s not ok. Solana isn’t sure if his voice sounds the same from what she remembers from when she was 13, as she was much younger then and hadn’t sprouted a rack yet. And, yes, there is a rack-to-memory ratio. It’s simple science. Trust me. I’m a chemist.
I believe this is the first time that Nev didn’t call up the person explaining who he is, but that’s probably because Elijah’s mom still has him on lock down from 2005. So they text him, explaining what’s going on and how they’d like to meet him. Elijah agrees because, well, that’s what you do on this show. You just say yes to whatever and ask questions never. So all three hop on a plane from tropical Delaware to the glitz and glamour of Minnesota! I hope they packed their passports. By the time they land Nev’s chest hair has grown 4 sizes, made its way up his neck and landed firmly on his face. I’m pretty sure Nev can grow a full beard from start to finish before I’m done recapping this show. Me? I’m still working on mine from when I was 18 and it still doesn’t connect everywhere.
You wanna know who I feel bad for? That poor son-of-a-bitch, Danny. You remember him, Solana’s boyfriend. Sure they were kind enough to Skype with him to let him know that they were flying to MN (is that even the abbreviation?) because Solana is jonesing for some emo dinky, but that dumb bastard was just like “Welp, ok. Bye!” and then waves to the camera before they disconnect him. I hope he finds someone nice who won’t take him for granted, you know, like Loyda’s mother from last season’s Catfish.
Either way, they make it to MN and show up at the house of what they presume to be Elijah’s. Solana is losing her sh*t. For real, she’s making me nervous. They walk up to the front door, Nev dressed like a bad guy from a Michael Jackson video that’s ready to breakdance-fight, and prepare to knock on the door. Solana can’t bring herself to do it so Nev rings the doorbell (a first) and then they wait. This is the point where my own nerves kick in and my stomach makes that noise where I second-guess if I’ll make it through the rest of the episode without getting sick in my underwear. Nev is all skittish and about to knock when the door opens up and someone, from what I can only assume is the Lollipop Guild, appears and is ready to welcome us to Munchkin Land. For real, who is this guy?! It’s definitely not Elijah and they all just awkwardly laugh and look around at each other. Nev is twitching like a rapist with a strategy and suddenly this random man says, “So you want to come in and meet Elijah?” The look on Solana’s face really says, “Yeah I want to meat him.” I’m not sure what I meant by that. The next thing you know this dude runs down into the basement (which legit is a staircase directly after the front door – like a trap!) and they’re all standing around. Solana hit the nail on the head when she whispered that she thought he was going to kill them. Now that’s a show I’d watch!
Related: Take the Catfish Quiz!
After what seemed like 10 minutes, the real Elijah finally comes up from basement and it’s really him! I have to admit the whole time I thought it was the brother who went downstairs to just put on a wig and piercings, especially since we never saw him again. But I was wrong. It was the real Elijah from the Youtube videos and Solana’s Myspace fantasy. I’m let down. Totally. When is it going to be an old creepy guy who suffers from the obesity? When’s that episode!? Solana is squealing with delight and Elijah quickly explains that he really was on lock down and didn’t have a phone this whole time. He then shows Nev his iPod with that texting app as proof and I’m pretty sure if you freeze-frame it you’ll see Nev putting his digits in Elijah’s phone. And by “digits” I of course mean his penis and testicles. I don’t know.
The remaining scenes were a real snooze because they consisted of them all hanging out at some skateboard park and Zzzzzzz. Nev tries to butch it up and skateboard, but it was like trying to watch someone do the hokey pokey on wheels. Things get awkward when Elijah asks Solana if she’s willing to get matching theme back tattoos because, you know, that’s a thing? I laughed out loud until she said, “Yeah sure” like the people do when Teresa Caputo walks up to them in a supermarket, let’s them know they she speaks to the dead and wants to know if they’re interested in an on-the-spot reading. To make things worse, they actually go through with it! They each get odd lions and whatnot tattooed on their back up to their shoulder so that when the stand side by side it looks like the animals are kissing. I can’t. Whatever happened to the good old fashion days when your first date consisted of a simple drink at a local bar? Also, “no!” for a variety of reasons.
Their time is cut short and next they all bid farewell as it’s time to go. Solana gets misty-eyed in the car ride to airport and Nev gets misty in his pants. I think Solana decided to go back with her boyfriend, Danny, and just remain friends with Elijah…which is odd considering the giant tattoo she just got 4 minutes ago. I’m blaming it on the fact that he looked about 5’2″ and had 80’s pimp hair.
More Catfish Recaps & Photos:
The One with Beelzbub & the Creepy Casino
The One With Tracie Thoms and Her Audition Tape
The One With Lucille and Kidd Cole
The One With T-Light and Antoinette
The One With Antwane and Fat Ass Kelly Price, Honey!