We’re on what I can only assume is episode 341 of this season of Catfish. So far, no one has got into a slap-match with anyone so it’s kind of a downer…Debbie-style. This week through the wonderful medium of television, we get to meet Jennifer. She’s an 18 year old senior in high school and lives in a state named Iowa. Now I was under the assumption that we traded Iowa to the lovely people of Cuba in exchange for 4 churro carts, but apparently I was mistaken. More like my Social Studies book was mistaken because, uh, I’m pretty sure I read that and aced the test that year. Either way, Jennifer was bullied in school and so has completely lost all confidence in herself to talk to people except when it’s producers for a national reality show. Then she musters up the courage to put herself out there. Plus, who wasn’t bullied? Hell, I’m being bullied right now…by my good looks, that is. Wink and also wink. Jennifer has been surfing what the kids call “the world wide web” since she was 10 years old. Seems safe enough. When I was 10 I had a computer that only allowed you to play Oregon Trail and Lemonade Stand. It also allowed you to type in commands in order to make a turtle move in a square pattern. Oh, and I played with kids outside. Needless to say, Jennifer shut down inside but came alive again when she entered this online world in which you could create a cartoon avatar and then play games with other cartoon-like people from all over the country. I hear that’s also a favorite pastime for Diddles McGotcha-Nose.
Now you know me. I’m always the first in line to tee-off on these people but there is something with Jennifer that makes me want to enter my television and give her a giant hug. Maybe even tip her upside down and shake her by her feet until coins fall out of her pocket, but still hug nevertheless. She seems really sweet and almost like she’s miraculously sidestepped being sold as a sex slave on the black-market a time or two. Whilst living her life in her online cartoon world and chatting with other people, most likely old men with one hand on the keyword and one liver-spotted hand down their pants the whole time, Jennifer met Skylar. “Skylar” is a “22” year old “male’ from “San Francisco” who is “going to college” to study “computer tech.” Phew that’s a lot of quoting I just had to do. You’re welcome. Even though Skylar is trying to get into the riveting world of fixing computers he does not own a web cam to video chat with Jennifer and he also is that 1 guy who isn’t on Facebook. Congratulations everyone…we found him! Luckily though he was able to send Jen 2 whole pictures of himself, so basically he’s pretty much sealed the deal as a Grade A Perv. Personally I liked the pictures of the cartoon people they’ve created for themselves and want to make one of my own as I feel living a cartoon life is really the only authentic way to live. After viewing the two pictures Skylar sent of himself I waited…and waited…and waited…but no one said what me and the rest of the world was thinking, “So, yeah, Skylar is Nev right?” Seriously it looked a lot like him. And that, my friends, is a handy little lesson on “racial profiling.” It’s not just for airports anymore! Ole!
I always come down with a bad case of secondhand embarrassment whenever these people are forced to read their intimate texts to Nev or, even worse, when Nev reads them out loud himself. It’s like, stop it. Now. Stop it now. I was just relieved that this week the messaging didn’t contain the word “bae” as a term of endearment because the past few weeks have and, well, I was figuring I was just too old to know what any of that meant. Moreover, I was even more embarrassed when we were forced to watch Nev and Max competing in a push-up challenge with each other and I don’t even want to know what the loser had to do. I’m sure it involved Rockette kicks, a lot of vodka, and a signed waiver. Per usual Max is all pissed off that Skylar can’t video chat with Jennifer especially because he’s in the “computer field.” It’s like, relax dude…if these people could video chat and we knew if it was really them there wouldn’t be a show and you’d be out of a job So zip your lip and stop misplacing your sexual frustration on the Catfish applicants. They’re there to just do a job and that job is to find out if Skylar is really who he says he is before Jennifer heads off to her freshman year of college where she’ll likely get drunk off strawberry-kiwi wine coolers and end up blowing a whole lot of strangers at her first keg party. Eh, at least she’s making friends.
Per the Catfish usual Nev and Max Ask-Jeeves the sh*t out of all the info they have on Skylar, which is his name and a phone number. They’re shocked when they can’t find any info, especially when they do the now famous “picture drag-n-drop.” They then remember that they’re wicked smart and decide to call San Fran State University to see if Skylar goes there. Of course Nev calls and is like, “Hi ma’am, my name is Neeeeeeeeeev and do you know a blah who goes to blah.” The registrar claims that no one by “that name” attends the school. That’s weird. It would be odd if this person lied. They then find some other random dude named Skylar on Facebook that also has cartoon pictures of himself and meets girls whilst playing games online. So, uh, like this is a real thing? Does everyone have cartoon pictures of themselves besides me? I mean, I tried playing Sim City back in 1993 but an earthquake killed everyone and set my stadium on fire so I never continued on. Evidently people still play these games until their Sims Family actually comes to life and cuts your throat or something. At this point, they’re just contacting anyone on this other dudes Facebook page and taking and receiving calls from anyone who’s willing. Literally NO ONE is phased anymore if you get a call or email from someone named Nev. If the email spammers in Nigeria were smart they’d change their name to Nev and claim they have a show called Catfish and if you call them back you’ll also receive $2M dollars in trust since the King of Tajikistan is ill on his death bed and they need some place to store the money for 13 days. See how that works? I’m, my friends, what you call an innovator. Needless to say, this Skylar is not the one they think it is. He just happens to be some other nerd online who meets girls that are 2D (not to be confused with Tootie).
Everything else is dumb so let’s just get to the goods. The real “Skylar” at first doesn’t want to meet Jen because he’s super busy with finals, you know, at the school he doesn’t attend. However, Nev smooth-talks him into agreeing to let them fly out to San Fran to meet him. I think Nev just wants a date. For reasons that are never explained they end up driving 5-hours to Chicago to fly to San Fran. Apparently Iowa is out of airplanes. They make it to San Fran and this is what we’ve all been waiting for. This is really when my Tourette’s kicks in and I just start yelling out things like, “It’s a women!” or “They have no legs!” or “It’s her father” or “It’s Ashton Kutcher and we’re being Punk’d!” or “I have Tourette’s, Grandma!” The point is I freak the F out. And suddenly there is activity coming down the hacienda stairs. It’s some short dude with a shaved head. I assume it’s Skylar, but they’re all stunned. I was like, “What’d I miss??” Apparently it wasn’t really the “guy from the two photos.” Seriously, who can tell!? I didn’t even know that this dude wasn’t actually a cartoon in real life until he turned to the side. Jen looks devastated and I feel really bad. She looks betrayed and I get it. I feel betrayed too. I feel betrayed because ever since I made the joke about these people always living in a shed…there hasn’t been one episode in season 2 where they’ve lived in a shed. It’s like don’t make a liar out of me. Geesh!
Here’s where it turns, uh, a little crazy. This dude is not named Skylar (duh). He’s named Brian. Supposedly. That’s the normal part. He not only lied to poor little Jen, but then says that he doesn’t have any feelings for her at all and that he just does this with a bunch of girls online to…wait for it….wait for it…”brush up on his game.” I’m sorry, who? Nev looks like he’s about to pull his weave off, kick off his heels, and just start scratching-a-b*tch. Max is shaking and looking white as a ghost. So same as usual. Jen isn’t saying anything. I suddenly blurt out, “Oh! The guy in the picture was Steven from Laguna Beach!” I then get back on track. This dude Brian legit couldn’t. give. two. sh*ts. that. he. is. on. tv. making. an. a**. out. of. himself. Drop page. At one point Nev is 3/4ths they way through a z-snap (you know the part) and then takes Jen and walks away. Girl breathe! He then comes back in a huff just to tell Brian what a giant douche he looks like on national television and how all the women in America are going to know this. Um, that’s kind of a selling point to some states in America and, well, I’ll let you guess which ones. Either way, Brian is like, “Yeah no I don’t care.” And he really didn’t. He owned that sh*t. Max and Nev take turns basically yelling at him, which I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do when you’re a producer of a reality show…but I digress. Although Nev looks like he was getting into it and was hoping that he’d get a punch. He’d be like, “Hit me again, Ike!”
Do you think that Brian was just doing this for the cameras so that jerks like me would talk about him more and help provide him with his 15 minutes of fame? I do. Also, nice strategy. I’ll have to give that a whirl. People are freaked out about simply having a Facebook account because they think they’ll never get hired. Imagine what’s going to happen to this kid for being this much of a jack-arse on national television? Nev tried his best to have a girl power moment with Jen and help her find her voice, but when she confronted him it just made it worse…for me. I was like, please stop this isn’t working and now I’m more embarrassed. But still, I felt really bad for her. Only because she seemed genuinely nice. Unless she’s really a b*tch and Catfishing us? Doubtful. The whole scene was so odd, mainly because Brian just stood there awkwardly looking left and right whilst Max and Nev yelled at him. He was stoic. Only at time would he move his mouth so we could see those random two jacked up teeth on the bottom. What was up with those? Perhaps he was just on “the drugs” or maybe he was just the biggest bricks Catfisher we’ve seen to date, but he genuinely didn’t care at all. At this point I was almost hoping it really was that other Sklyar that they found on Facebook. You know, the one that looked like “Who’s the Boss'” Danny Pintauro circa 1986?
The next day Nev and Max go back to chat with Brian who tells some sob story about how he was treated like that by some girl he used to like, but is ready to change his ways. For real, why did this guy sign a waiver? Max ends it with, “Don’t you ever contact Jen ever again.” And Nev looked like he needed to cover himself with a math book after that statement. In the end, Jen is still talking to people online, but is more cautious and she’s looking forward to college in the Fall. Ugh, I really hope she meets someone nice in real life. I bet this show with help her find someone that will at least go to 2nd base with. If worse comes to worse she can be like that lady that Helen Hunt played in that move recently where she had sex with people who were in odd circumstances. I’m too lazy to Google any of that info, plus I’m leaving for vacation in about 10 minutes so I am dunzo. I miss Laguna Beach.
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