Catfish Recap: Now THIS is How You Catfish Someone! (Clap. Clap. Clap.)

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Well.  I’m back.  As I write this I am in the process of sweating out a fever so I can’t really be responsible for what I type tonight.  I’m on enough meds to slow down a charging Kardashian (the one who’s like the bull of the family).  Not only am I back, but so is Catfish.  “Praise Jesus” shouted the lepers.  This week we get to meet Artis.  Truth be told I thought it was “Artist” until the last 5 minutes of the episode.  I was like, cool…I want to be called Lawyer.  Artis lives in Woodstock, IL which, to my surprise, is not the dog house that Snoopy sleeps on top of.  Who knew?!  Like all good people on this program Artis has started a relationship with Jess thanks to “The Facebook.”  Jess is what I can only describe as one of those Japanimation porn dolls that may or may not be alive.  However, she’s fully functional either way…if ya know what I mean…and I think ya do because I have dirt-bag-like qualities.  There are many “pickles” in this episode, but the main one right off the bat is that both Artis and Jess are already in relationships.  This fact alone cause Nev and Max to have a b*tch-fest-sass-off with each other in the hotel room about not wanting to help someone who’s already in a relationship.  They were two z-snaps away from a weave tug.  After 3 choruses of Red Light Special and sexy-dance-fighting, they finally agree to only help Artis if he is willing to dump his current baby mama because, yes folks, at the end of the day this show is the epitome of ethics.

Later we learn that Nev busted his foot whilst most likely doing high-impact jazzercising and singing “He works hard for the money…”  They end up giving Nev a boot to wear and you know that Max is going to have a blast riding that boot like a horsey circa the days when little kids would ride on Bill Cosby’s leg.  Is this the fever talking?  I have no idea.  All I do know is that Nev and Max fly out to east bum to meet up with Artis at some hole in the wall diner where they never really order food, but continue to talk about the importance of him breaking things off with his baby mama so they can continue this game called Catfish.  He agrees.  He also shows them the 1 picture that Jess has on her Facebook page.  Yup, just one.  And of course it’s her looking like she just banged a bunch of homeless dudes in a rusted out dumpster for a 6-pack of Zima and a #7 with cheese at Wendy’s.  Then…things get worse.  Nev starts to read (out loud) the sext-messages that these two goons sent each other.  He was saying things like, “And I can’t wait to kiss down ‘yo’ body and kiss all over ‘yo.'”  This may have helped break my fever due to over-complicated secondhand embarrassment.  I’m pretty sure Max even sprouted a few more grey hairs after hearing that, amongst other things.  Allegedly.

Now it’s time to really get to work!  Per usual this consists of Googling sh*t and emailing strangers on Facebook.  Rumor has it this was the exact way they found both Bin Laden and Saddam.  I was as surprised as you.  I think it was like Bin Laden posted something on Facebook like, “Sunny day in Tajikistan today”  and then Nev “liked” the status and then they met up.  After dropping the one image of Jess into Google immediately all smut sites show up.  Nev and Max shriek and squeal with delight.  I was waiting to see Nev peeking between his fingers all whilst dry heaving and screaming “boobies!”  Moreover, they learn that Jess apparently worked at Hooters and went to the “Skool of Hard Knocks.”  I hear Annie went to the same school.  I wonder if they knew each other?  Obviously we all immediately know that this chick is fake, but we need to figure out who she really is.  Personally I thought at first that it was the baby mama of Artis, but I’m starting to learn the patterns of this show.  They’ve been focusing too much on the baby mama in rando conversations, so I think they’re trying to blindside us.  I am now officially on red alert.  Max and Nev notice that on her Facebook page she posted a nice little note about recently being single and wanted to know if anyone was interested to “hang or bang.”  She sounds sweet.  Kind of like the girl you’d bring home to mom, you know, in order to give mom a heart attack and get your hands on the inheritance.  There is one dude, however, on her page that comments stating that he doesn’t think that she’s real.  So they get in touch with this dude who immediately calls back and states that they live in a small town and he knows everyone and has never seen her before in his life.  He seems angry about all of this.  Like, who gets mad at fake porn stars?  They’re just providing a service to the lonely.  Cut them some slack.

Nev and Max fill Artis on these latest discoveries and Artis actually seems shocked.  It’s like, really?  You have one picture of her.  You’ve never talked with her on the phone (because she has a “controlling boyfriend”).  You’ve never video chatted.  And she looks like a porn star and still wants to talk to you even though you basically work in a factory…not that there’s anything wrong with that.  How this guy got three different women pregnant is beyond me.  However, he still wants to meet Jess and figure this out once and for all.  Max and Nev get in touch with Jess via Facebook, but she won’t call them back so they just chat back and forth in a creepy way until she finally agrees to meet them all in the park.

Well, folks, BTFU (Buck the F*ck Up) because sh*t is about to get real.  Nev is wobbling around on crutches like a busted marionette and they’re all just sitting on a picnic table at some random park waiting for Jess to show up.  And then it happens.  Some broken down 1993 Honda Civic comes barreling down the road, speeds into a parking space, and then slams on the breaks.  Everyone is confused.  Suddenly some DUDE gets out of the car and punches the roof of this car and quickly walks over to them SLOW CLAPPING and getting closer and closer to Artis’ face.  I was like WTF is this!?  This isn’t a fat chick in a shed!  This is some homicidal maniac about to kill the cast of Catfish on national television!  Nev decides to man up and starts to push this guy away telling him to back up and calm down and this dude just keeps saying “don’t touch me!”  Nev is smiling the whole time which I assume is tricking his body into not sh*tting itself.  Personally, I was scared.  This guy started licking his lips and telling Artis that “you’re mine, remember” and then something about a “chocolate kiss” and I ran to lock my door.  Now THIS is how you Catfish someone.  I actually think this is your absolute worst case scenario….someone who  was tricking you just to meet you and then kill you.  Why this guy decided sign his waiver to show himself on television is something that needs to be investigated separately outside of this blog.

This guy is NUTS.  I don’t even know what he’s talking about.  Nev and Max both look like they want to bail and Artis already made his way into the car, locked the door, and just kept saying “oh hell no!”  More importantly he has a crazy combover.  Well, it’s more of comb-down and he keeps fixing it in the wind.  He’s terrifying.  Apparently he thinks that it was his job to get people who cheat on their partners by way of Catfishing them.  Nev was like, “So you’re gay.”  I was like, is Nev asking him out!?  And the crazy guy says, “Obviously I’m not” to which Nev explains that it’s not so obvious since he was sexting with a dude for 6 months.  The crazy guy just goes, “Ohhhh you got me there!”  What the F are we watching!?  I can’t tell if this guy is faking it or if he legit is that crazy that this is normal life for him?  At one point, he just goes, “I’m not this crazy like 100% of the time.”  Now I’m not great with “the math” but huh?  I even tried carrying the remainder, but it still didn’t make sense.  By the way, he also showed up to this wearing mesh shorts and a t-shirt.  I mean, who doesn’t dress up when you’re going to be on TV?  Moreover, he claims that he does have a girlfriend and she’s known that he was doing this the entire time.  Who what when where and why!?  Suddenly he just says, “Ok so where do you guys want to go from here?  I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”  At one point, Nev walked over to the car to talk to Artis and Max was like, “I don’t want to talk to him by myself!”  Everyone is horrified.  They all leave.  Poor two-timing Artis is embarrassed.  I’m embarrassed for him.

The “next day” they reach out to the crazy dude again to talk and he invites them over to his house.  I thought maybe things would be clarified during this meeting, but they weren’t.  If even started off odd.  Nev was petting his pitbull and was asked if it was his dog and the crazy dude just goes, “Does it matter?  Come in!”  And then THEY GO IN!?  Whaaat?  There had to be some form of security there.  There had to be.  The conversation gets even creepier about how this dude thinks he’s a piece of sh*t but it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks because no one cares about him.  He’s on some rant and I close my blinds.  He tells some story about how he was homeless before and his father died and he found his dead body but, honestly, in the words of Caroline Manzo, “I. Am Not. Buying. It.” He then says, “let’s take 5” and grabs a beer.  What the hell time is it!?  The meeting ends pretty abruptly and Nev hobbles out of the house.  In the end, they video chat with Artis and he and his baby mama are back together.  Who cares.  They then video chat with the crazy dude and he basically just says, “everything is exactly the same” and then just disconnects the video chat.  Whaaaaat?!  This has to be staged, right?  I can’t get my mind around this.  Also, with the fever I could have made up this entire episode.  Is Catfish even a TV show?  And where the hell am I!?

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