Catfish Recap: LeVourne & Trikey

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This crapisode of Catfish is 1 hr and 30 minutes.  What in the holy Nev-Hell could possibly happen where they’ll need an extra half-hour?  Something tells me that once they ring the doorbell someone is getting Mary-Jo-Buttafucco’d in the face.  It’s only a matter of time.  This time around we get to meet Lauren.  She’s from Steven Tyler, Texas, is 21, got knocked the hell up 2 years ago and apparently just missed the cut-off to try out for Teen Mom 2.  Drat, there goes her “new boobs” fund.  Lauren lives in her dad’s house, but can still afford the luxuries of a puffy leather couch.  Ooh la la, they must have imported that decor straight from Waco!  Insert wink here___.  Lauren is in quite the little pickle because she met “Derek” online when she had a Myspace account.  Did I mention she was 14 years old when she said “thanks for the add” on his page?  Well she was.  No offence, but you wanna know what I was doing at 14?  Getting my braces tightened and wondering why I was waking up in the middle of the night wet, without peeing the bed.  I was a slow learner.  The point is, I wasn’t on Myspace at 14 trolling for a relationship.  I clearly waited until I was 21 for that to take place as I am a gentleman.  Plus, what could that flirting been like on Myspace for these two goons?  Between all the glittery animated kicking Betty Boop’s falling down the screen and the horrible song selection freezing up your dial up AOL connection, who could possible have time to build a relationship?  I spent most of my time fixing up my Top 8.  Either way, I’m immediately convinced that Derek is a sex-spam-bot…and you should be convinced of the same.  I wish I could fast-forward to the part where he asked her to wire $10,000 to his off-shore account in Tajikistan because his father, the King, is ill on his death bed.

Since Max and Nev apparently live together in hotel rooms all across the trashiest parts of the United States, they decide it’s time to Skype with Lauren.  Is is just me or is Max getting more and more pissed off with each new episode over how these people are bricks? At one point he’s basically yelling at Ernie Nev and you totally know someone is going to have a black-eye to explain to the girls in the sewing circle tomorrow.  And most likely a sore bum bum, but I don’t judge.  I leave that up to Judy.  Anybeard, they dial up Lauren on the old Apple IIc so they can see what her real deal is.   I’m confused by her immediately since she’s wearing an orange striped oversized shirt, so I instantly figure she’s Skyping from prison.  I was trying to look behind her to see if I could spot Amber via the slammer.  It’s like Where’s Waldo for a new generation.  Both Nev and Max basically tell her she’s a goon-face, but  hold out since she discusses how she got engaged and then broke off the wedding plans after Derek unfriended her on Facebook.  I, truth be told, was just relieved they upgraded from the strip mall of the social media world and gave “The Book” a try.  What I want to know is that if she was so in love with him for the past 8 years how did she get pregnant in the first place and find the time to go out and get herself engaged to someone who wasn’t the baby daddy?  Again, I’m going with sex-spam-bot.

After we’re forced to watch Nev and Max reenact the opening credits from The Monkees and walk through the airport in a fast-forward style motion, we’re forced to watch them take a leak at a public urinal all whilst Nev sneaks a peek and feels up Nev.  If Nev isn’t a registered sex offender by season 3 I think it will be a severe injustice to all those who work in airports and, well, something must be done.  If you see something, say something.  It’s like you “see” with your eyes, Nev, not with your hands.  Pervy McTouch-Dink.  Moving on, after they meet Lauren in person we get to see what a spaz she really is.  Puffy leather aside, she actually shows us all the messages from Derek she’s saved as photos on her phone and walks us through the entire album. Album!  How she got one dude to stick his ding ding into her gentleman greeter and make el nino is beyond me.  She should stick to Mysapce.  Per usual (yawn) we learn that Derek never wanted to video chat with her and even when she was 5-hours away from him in Maryland (which apparently is still a part of the United States of Non Canada) he decided not to meet up with her because he “has roommates and stuff and they won’t be cool with it.”  Yeah, that’s code word for either, “Yes I am, in fact, a fat chick who lives in a shed” (fingers crossed!) or “I’m missing my actual face.”  My chimpanzee is killing my friend!  Poor Lauren just simply wants to marry the man she’s never met and can’t understand why he’s putting up such a fight about it.  I think it’s super safe for her to get her baby involved in this as well.  I’ll start contacting “Milk” about pasting her kids picture on the back of all their cartons.  

Nev and Max waste no time performing their research to find out exactly who Derek is.  As usual they do things like “use the Internet” and “ask the Magic 8-Ball.”  The strange part is that everything seems to be checking out just fine.   Derek has plenty of actual Facebook friends from Maryland and they can’t seem to find his picture anywhere else online.  I begin to take a swig from my Propofol (because if it’s good enough for the King of Pop then…) when suddenly things don’t seem to match up anymore.  Nev Google’s Derek’s phone number and it’s registered to a man named R. LeVourne.  Oh and he’s older than Derek.  Ah yes, and did I also mention that he was black?  Jackpot.  For real.  My TV screen might as well just flashed Cherry Cherry Cherry across it because it looks like Lauren may have been falling in love with Nene Leaks’ husband, Greg, this whole time and I can’t wait!  I may or may not have jumped up from my couch and performed 3/4ths of the Electric Slide.  You’ve got to feel it, IT’S ELECTRIC!

Of course Nev has to go squeal to Lauren as soon as he possibly can about what they found.  Girls.  They show her pictures of LeVourne and his kids (bonus points) but Lauren just keeps saying that she knows that’s not Derek because she “knows his voice.”  Um, racist much? In case Lauren needs to catch up with the times and, you know, get educated why could that not sound like Derek?  Does she think every black person sounds like someone from Family Matters?  Get a clue, bricks.  It’s 2006 for cripes sakes.  Error.  It’s 2010.  Nope, 2013.  Either way, Nev and Max call up Derek to start questioning the ever-loving-shiz out of him.  Nev does his standard, “Hey Derek?  Yeah, I have a show called Catfish.”  Derek seems like he’s hiding something (and don’t lie and pretend you at home weren’t trying to figure out what race he was based on his voice), but after 15 seconds on the phone he agrees to meet Lauren and a camera crew for a national television show.  For real, who just agrees to this stuff so easily?  I mean, I hit “ignore” on my phone for 4 years when I stopped paying my student loans and “the government” was calling me, but this guy just says “yes” faster than it takes Nev to shave that awkward place between his lower neck and upper chest.    Later the Three Amigo’s all meet up so that Lauren can sit down with her dad and his wife to fill them in on what in the hell has been going on.  The stepmom literally asks the question, “And who are you people?”  You totally know the dad thought he was on To Catch a Predator.  It’s like, “Pour yourself some lemonade and unload your box of condoms because I’ll be down in a few minutes!”  After Lauren explains how she fell in love with a random Myspace sex-spam-bot 8 years ago her dad starts to cry (manly) and then wipes away the tears, awkwardly explains how his current wife was his best friend before his 1st wife died (huh?) and then they all give Lauren their blessing to fly out to Maryland to get slaughtered to death.

After a quick plane ride and a car ride where Nev and Max both make Lauren cry due to systematic bullying, they arrive at Derek’s house.  I have to admit every time they start walking up to the house I legit get nervous too.  Clearly I’m invested in the outcome too much.  As. Are. You.  I was surprised to see that Derek lives in an actual house and was equally surprised that they didn’t walk around the back where some sort of garage-carport-shed-cardboard-box contraption existed.  Lauren’s freaking out, Nev is freaking out, I’m freaking out, and I’m yelling “Bring out LeVourne.”  And just as I’m about to down my champagne and blow my New Years Eve party horns…it happens.  The door opens.  I, of course, shout “Aaaah Derek” like Gia from Season 1 of Real Housewives of New Jersey.  However, sadly it is actually Derek It’s the actual dude from the pictures.  WTF!?  I immediately become bored.  He wasn’t even missing half his face due to a pet chimpanzee attack or anything!?  I feel duped.  Who in the sweet F is LeVourne then?  And, not for nothing you can’t just use someone’s picture on a television show without their written consent.  So, uh, who the hell was that guy and, more importantly, is Barbara Walter’s in process of trying to secure an exclusive interview with him or should I?  I’m still in shock.  My guesses are always so crazy that this time I legit was like, “I bet her mother isn’t dead and it’s really her mom just trying to stay in touch with her.”  I’m not joking, I thought that.

In the end these two have a date, pretty much bang, and then Derek gets to meet Lauren’s son.  I’m still pissed.  I’ve come to the conclusion that if the person isn’t playing a trick on them, I’m less than interested.  Even Nev seemed speechless.  Even his beard began to recede as soon as they realized that this really was a love match.  So, I’m officially going on record stating that I think with this one, we were Punk’d.  I think Lauren and Derek applied for the show in hopes they could pull one over on Max, Nev, me and the rest of the American public.  I’ll only stand for this like 15 more times before I stop watching this show.

LeVourne?  Where are you?  Who are you?  Whhhhhyyyy!?!

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