Catfish Recap: Glass Eye is the New George Glass

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It’s time for another crapisode of “When People on Craigslist Finally Meet:  A Love Story.”  Just when you start to yawn over this show we’re always introduced to a new cast of characters with odd traits and curve-balls that really make our heart come to life and begin to Electric Slide over and over again.  Perhaps that’s just me and my heart, but I truly believe it’s yours too (also).  This week we get to meet Mike.  Mike lives in Michigan and loves to do things like talk to strangers on Facebook and take as many pictures of himself giving “peace fingers” as possible.  Yep, peace fingers never goes out of style even when Lindsay Lohan ruined it for all of us.   Like every classic love story, Mike was just tooling around on Facebook a few years back and some random girl named Kristen commented on one of his photos that he was “kinda cute.”  Kinda?  I would have been pissed.  Unless “kinda” means “extremely” in various parts of our beloved country, I’m insulted.  Either way, Mike knew from that one poorly written grammatically incorrect comment that he was smitten and, perhaps, in total love.  Of course they immediately began an online relationship (because it’s just that easy) and a couple weeks in they were saying “I love you” (w/o any meaning behind it) and even calling each other “girlfriend” and “boyfriend.”  Yes, makes me sick to my stomach too.

This all seems like a traditional Catfish episode until there is one catch (pun almost sorta intended, but not totally).  You see, Kristen and Mike text up a storm and even chat on the telephone (thanks Alexander Graham Bell!) but they aren’t able to video chat since Mike “isn’t really a computer guy” and Kristen, well, Kristen is in a little bit of a pickle.  You see, she has a glass eye.  I know.  Jackpot, right?  Apparently one day she was driving home and drove head-first into an 18-wheeler of some sort (I bet she hit Marq from that past Catfish episode) and her windshield smashed, leaving glass in her eye, and therefore receiving a glass eye from her doctor.  Thanks Obama-Care!  I have no idea what that is, but I assume it just means that everyone can get a glass eye without having to wait in long lines or pay for it, right?  I just checked.  That is what Obama-Care is all about.  Phew!  Either way, she’s a little shy to chat via the “webcam” because she thinks that Mike can’t handle her glass eye.  Personally I don’t think he’s ready for this jelly, but that’s just my guess.

Since Google doesn’t have “glass eye detection” via dropping her image into Google Image Search, suddenly Nev becomes an eyeball expert and uses his own sight and knowledge to look at pictures of Kristen where he feels that both of her pupils are equally dilated so, therefore, that eye can’t be made of glass.  Perhaps it’s made of industrial plastic?  One may never know.  Mike can’t seem to figure out why someone would lie about their eye being fake and I can’t seem to figure out why Max and Nev are wearing the same color shirt and pants in all of their scenes thus far.  You totally know a b*tch fight broken out at the hotel over who was going to wear the light purple shirt for this episode.  I bet they decided by whose eyebrow can arch the highest in mid conversation.  Clearly, Nev won.  Anybrows, even though Mike, Kristen, and Kristen’s glass eye have never video chatted they have both sexted each other naked-nudie-no-no pictures of themselves, but since Mike is a gentleman he won’t show those to Nev or Max.  He does mention that he did take a couple of full-frontal shots of himself and I thought Nev’s eyes were going to roll back into his head and drop out of his bum-bum.  You know Nev cut the camera and immediately ransacked Mike’s bedroom.  Speaking of the house…Mike “owns’ that house (allegedly) but it’s decorated like a 93 year old woman with a walker lives there.  I call shenanigans on all of this, but especially the house.  Show me the receipts.

I have to admit, things are a little different in the research department at Catfish College this week and Nev’s testicles have finally dropped and he’s just calling people right off the bat.  This time around he’s calling into Kristen’s “beauty school” to see if she’s real.  Per usual he starts it off with, “Hi, um, my name is Nev and I have a show called Catfish?  Maybe you’ve heard of it?”  Of course the bricks who’s on the other end of the line immediately is like, “Yes! Hi!!”  You totally know she would sidewards winky face if she could.  We do learn that there is a Kristen there, but not one by the last name that they were given so, of course, Nev’s next follow up question is, “Do you happen to know if she has a glass eye?”  I mean.  The girl claims she honestly doesn’t know, but I’m pretty sure that’s something you know.  It’s like how you can totally tell that a girl got her period because she has to wear that giant “P” embroidered into all of her shirts that week.  That still does happen, right?

Nev and Max bypass “the Google” this week and jump right into the exciting world of the “White Pages” online!  The look up her phone number, sidestep over a 57 yr old chick with the same name, and then finally find out who the real Kristen is, including her last name.  They quickly then look her up and notice that a picture of a giant red barn appears…and since she talks often about liking horses they’re sure this is the Kristen.  If you’re confused, don’t worry…it gets even more confusing in the coming scenes.  Nev and Max sass-a-frass their way over to Mike’s oddly decorated home and let him know the good news that the Kristen he’s been talking to does go to beauty school, does appear to be 22 years old, does live in a place that can house horses, but has a different last name.  Well, folks, that one really sent Mike over the edge.  He couldn’t get over the fact that she has a different last name.  P.S., she has a different spelling of her first name too (Krysten).  Pretty tricky sis!  No one would ever be able to crack that code.  Either way Mike decides that a different last name changes everything and he’s ready to call it quits, but musters up enough energy to smoke a few more cigarettes and go to the next round of this crazy little show called Catfish.

For reasons that I don’t understand even a little bit, Nev comes up with the idea to look for Kristen’s old yearbook photo in the town library to see what she really looks like.  Um, couldn’t they just friend her on Facebook like they do everyone else they mess with on this show?  Speaking of which, click here to Friend me on Facebook and let’s start Catfishing each other until I become overly famous.  Just don’t kill me.  Well, maybe a little.  Anyway, they finally find Kristen in the yearbook and, shocker, she doesn’t look anything like her picture.  Truth be told, I actually couldn’t tell the difference.  I just figured that after the car accident she got some kind of full head transplant and, you know, rack lift and junk.  Nev and Max decide to call up Kristen and per usual she answers on the 2nd ring.  It’s nice that she actually sounds scared on the phone, like she’s about to be arrested at any moment and thrown into the slammer with Amber.  After a little coaxing she finally agrees to meet them face to face/eye to eye and solve this mystery once and for all.

I began to squeal with delight like a pig in heat when they showed the front of the house and then immediately started walking towards the side of the house.  I started shouting, “No whammies, no whammies, no whammies….STOP!” but sadly they stopped short of the shed in the yard and knocked on the side door.  It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Out comes Kristen and my first thought is, “Sooooo at least she’s not in a shed too?”  I don’t care, I’m going there.  This chick was a h-o-t mess.  I don’t even care that I just said “hot mess” like it’s 2010 all over again.  She was.  In her defense she was given about 10 minutes to “get ready” so it was no wonder that she literally came stumbling out of her house.  I’m not sure if she was technically using an egg beater to comb her hair once she got out of the shower and then it just broke so she just hit it with a half can of AquaNet, but let’s all just assume that it’s exactly what happened.  Moreover, mid-stumble she was looking all around quickly…WITH ONE EYE because she legit DID have a glass eye!  Plus, to boot, she had some kind of walking boot halfway up her leg from what I can only assume is an injury from walking into a whole-lot-a-furniture around her house.  At one point I jumped behind my couch because I was pretty certain she could see me through the TV.  Her first words were, “I’m really sorry.  I am.  I’m sorry.”  Right away, I was like good for her!  Most of these twits are just like, “Yeah, so?  So what?  I didn’t do anything wrong!”  At least this girl owned it.  Mike looks horrified.  But, honestly, I felt a little bad for her especially when she was like, “Yeah my left eye is fake.”  It’s like, oh you.  No reason to come clean on that one.  We all have two functioning eyes and can see that.  Sadly, the car accident was real and her eye isn’t.  Even worse, she totally tried to dirt-nap herself, but Mike was always there to save her so she is luckily still with us today.  After a few more awkward exchanges, Mike and Krysten shake hands and wish each other “goodnight.”  Apparently ever since the accident she can’t say “goodbye” to anyone.  I just assumed with the one eye, you know, darkness and stuff.  I guess I was wrong.

krysten catfish glass eye gif

In the end, Mike is all done and decides to delete her phone number.  Max and Nev head back over to Krysten’s house the next day so they can chat with her.  We get to hear her sad story about her boyfriend breaking up with her shortly after the accident, wishing her well being a pirate for the next six months, and how she gained 130 pounds after all this happened.  I mean, it all sucks.  Let’s not mince words.  Is that even the right use of “mince?”  I don’t care (I love it!).  Krysten finally feels like she’s getting back to her old “goofy” self and ends her time on this show by literally…wait for it…wait for it…you guessed it…pops out her eye and hands it over to Nev to old and play with.  I’m sorry, this was almost as bad as when Mama June took off her sock at the water park on Honey Boo Boo so we could see her forklift foot.  It’s like, I’m not going to take my pants off in public (again) so don’t take your eye off.  It’s called “manners.”  Learn some.  I jest, good for her.  Later Nev and Max head over to Mike’s grandmother’s house to have a few beers with Mike and his bros.  Is it just me or is it awkward watching Nev trying to man-up and drink a beer with the guys..especially with that camera hanging over his shoulder like a purse?  You know inside his head he was like, “Beer?  Ugh, no Zima?!”  Welp.  The show ends with a quick video chat with Mike, who is doing well and trying to find love.  The good news is that Krysten already has a boyfriend who is moving with her and her family to Orlando where they’ve bought a hair salon.  There are so many bad things in that last sentence that I’ll just leave it there and allow you all time to reflect.

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