Catfish Recap: A Trailer of Mass Destruction

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Time sure flies when you’re Catfishin’ the piss out of people.  I remember one time I was Catfishin’ someone and was having so much fun that all of a sudden I was like, “It’s 2013 already?! And Blossom is still falling for this!?”  I’m sure you all have similar stories.  After the more than horrific “mid season reunion” we’re finally back to some new bait (see what I did there?).  This week we get to meet Jesse.  Jesse is from somewhere that I can’t remember since it’s most likely a town where the population is 12 and the town “owner” miscounted.  Jesse is the kind of girl who has actual white hair because she still thinks Anna Nicole is coming back to mother Dannielynn.  I mean, I’m sure she is.  Trim-Spa, baby!  A few years back Jesse met Brian who is a soldier who has taken a tour or two of duty in the Afghanistan and the like in order to protect people like me who need to blog or die.  Some say I’m the real hero, but I’ll let others fight that out.  Jesse is totally in love with Brian and is pretty much ready to move across the country just to be with him…but there’s just one catch.  You see, Jesse has yet to meet him.  However, there’s good news.  Her male friend, Fran, can vouch for Brian because he “knows him,” has lived with him in the past, and is even Facebook friends with him currently.  I’m sure there’s nothing sketchy about any of that at all.  Oh, and did I mention that Jesse used to date Fran when she was 12 years old?  Because she did.  Want to know what I was busy doing when I was 12?  Getting in trouble for still having skid-marks in my underpants.  I know.

Moving on.  We learn all this information from Jesse when she is video chatting with Nev and Max in front of the standard wood panel walls.  Jackpot!  And “Bingo!” for those of you playing along at home.  To make things even better, the “curtains” in the background are basically Jersey-Sheets hanging over some dental floss.  For me, Jesse and her home are an absolute dream come true.  It’s nice, by the way, that Jesse is able to video chat because Brian can’t.  I know.  He’s the person who isn’t able to work the camera.  Fight for our country?  Sure.  Press the Facetime button on his iPhone?  Not so much.  That wasn’t that big of a deal for Jesse since in the past they did make plans to meet up in person.  She drove all the way to see him and they were planning to meet at a…wait for it….wait for it…shave your chest hair…wait for it…at a truck stop.  Seems safe!  Why not just throw away your rape whistle and hot-glue-gun $100 bills to your vagina and just head directly to the truck stop to meet up with the total stranger you’ve been IM’ing in an AOL chatroom for the past few years.   It’s highly unlikely that Dateline will be doing a story on you in the near future, so, just throw caution to the wind and go hunt down some anonymous love.

Was it just me or did Jesse look a little “different” on video chat than she looked in person once Nev and Max got there?  Her arms were sticks and she had a brace over her forearm. Nobody mentions either.  Shoving toothbrushes down your throat (allegedly/made up) can really make you sprain something.  Careful, I said!  I love how in this “new season”  Max is still all bent out of shape over all these people.  He’s still in a huff and saying things like, “You know how crazy this sounds, right!?” followed by a “Yeah right, he doesn’t have a video camera?!”  It’s like take it easy Max or all this stress and pent up sexual frustration is going to turn you grey!  Moreover, do you spell it grey or gray?  I like “grey” because it reminds me of Greygoose and, well, booze helps people.  And what’s good for the goose…you know the rest.  Either way, Jesse knows she seems crazy but is ready to take the plunge to find out once and for all if Brian is who he says he is.  He has sent plenty of random pictures to her, including one of him holding a fish and saying, “you’re my best catch” or something of the sort that makes you want to deny citizenship.  Even “Fran” likes his status updates so I’m sure everything is totally on the up and up.  Hopefully Nev and his “Jack and the Beanstalk” chest hair can help solve this Catfish puzzle.


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So everything is coming up roses when Nev and Max starting performing their “research” to see if Brian is the real deal.  He has a few hundred Facebook friends, people comment on his crap, etc.  Suddenly they realize that in one of his pictures he has a different first name and is holding some kind of tag.  After using “the Google” they realize that Brian has spent time in Juvie (White Trash is the New Black) and…wait for it…was arrested on January 29th, 2011…the same day he was supposed to meet Jesse at the truck stop.  Want to know what I was doing on January 29th, 2011?  Not going to the gym or eating healthy.  There, I said it.  Anyway if you’re wondering why Brian was arrested, oh, it was just for a tiny little-itty-bitty mix up surrounding some WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!  For real.  If you’re like me, your first thought is that Brian must be the ghost-brother of Osama (Yo Mama) Bin Laden and then your next thought was, of course, he must have been thinking he was talking to Whitney Houston this whole time.  No joke, who gets arrested for weapons of mass destruction?!  Do we technically go to war with Brian right now?  Like, does he have oil we don’t know about?  How does this all work?  By the way, Nev doesn’t so much look shocked as much as he looks like the jig is up for him too.  I went there.

Later they decide to meet up with Fran who is also a bit of a hot mess because he too was at war and has to “black spots” on his brain that impact his short term memory.  They impact his short term memory.  They impact his short term memory.  What was I saying?  They impact his short term memory.  Anyway, they impact his short term memory.  Anyway, Fran lets the dead cat out of the bag that Brian was married before and never told Jesse.  I mean, at this point I’d wager a bet that the weapons of mass destruction pickle he was in is more of the deal breaker at this point.  But that’s just me.  I’m old fashioned.  They impact his short term memory.

Nev and Max fill in Jesse about all these little odds and ends and she giggles like a school girl in heat about the WMD (let’s just call it that from this point moving forward).  I noticed myself yelling at my TV, “Don’t laugh, b*tch, or it’ll make you an accomplice.”  I then grinned for knowing the word ‘accomplice.’  I was amazed I didn’t accidentally say “appliance.”  I’m getting real smart and real smart quick.  Even with all this mess, since Jesse apparently suffers from low self esteem and most likely some food issues, she decides she still wants to fly out to Alabama to visit Brian.  The good news is that when Nev called Brian he too would like to see her and would also like to clear up that WMD incident.  Phew!  I thought they’d never close the loop on that one.  Jesse’s mom, who looks about 5 years older than her, thinks it’s a great idea that she go and check out Brian and make sure he’s for real.  You know, there’s some back story I’d like to know more about in regards to this mother and daughter.  Something smells (cat)fishy to me.  BAM.

After long flight (I have no idea) it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  They’re driving through a nice little quaint/taint town and roll up on a…you guess it….trailer!  It’s like the heavens opened up and the angels high-fived me!  A trailer!  Please let this be a fat chick with a weave.  Please!  I beg of you, dear Lord!  The trailer door opens and, sadly, it is actually Brian. “Booooo!” yelled the villagers.  Although I have to say that something is a little off with him.  He kind of grabs her, kisses her, and is like, “Yeah you like what you see?”  I mean.  Stop.  It was nice that he put out flowers on his trailer deck for the arrival of Jesse.  I’m pretty sure in Alabama that symbolizes a legal marriage.  Finally we get to hear the story about the arrest and the WMD.  Now I’m not going to lie.  I wasn’t following it.  Well, it wasn’t so much I “wasn’t” following it as much as I “couldn’t” follow it.  It was some tall tale about how he ran over something and the noise made him feel like he was back in Afghanistan and suddenly he was looking around and seeing the war in his rearview mirror so he put on some vest and then someone called the cops?  I don’t know, something like that.  They arrested him because he had a sawed-off-shot-gun (hand on the pump) and I guess that’s illegal in some places.   Who can keep up with the laws?  I think the charges were eventually dropped and he wasn’t going to blow off Jesse’s head at the truck stop anyway.  Phew!  Side-stepped that landmine!  Jesse was ok with that story, but still having a hard time with the whole “married” thing.  However that didn’t stop her from making out with him and then eventually banging him once the cameras went away.  According to her she wanted to test drive him before she bought him.  Ahhh Internet love.  That made me sleepy, but you know what didn’t make me sleepy?  When they were in his trailer and he said he didn’t have a lot to offer her like “a nice house” and “cars” all whilst there were literally dozens of gigantic trophies all behind him, like, on the kitchen counter.  For real, what did he win?  Why will no one mention this!?

In the end, Jesse went to meet Brian’s family who seemed as crazy as he is and they immediately love her and want her to move there STAT.  I was like, run Jesse run!  As she was leaving he kept clinging onto her and kissing her like she was going away forever and would never have a chance to truck stop kill her.  Over “video chat” with Nev and Max they argue about her taking too long to get back there to visit him and “start a family” (whaaaaaaat?!) so Jesse hangs up on video chat…immediately drives to Alabama to see him….stays two days….breaks up with him because they’re not a good fit…and they never speak again.  No joke.  I mean if anyone is even possibly charged with having weapons of mass destruction…even if it’s a mistake…it’s still a red flag.  Just some words of wisdom to live by.

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