Catfish Recap: 60 Minutes of Mumbles

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I think the beauty of Catfish is that it pretty much mixes the camera work of COPS and the stomach butterflies of the big reveal during The Swan…and does it beautifully each week with a new cast of characters.  Ironically that’s probably how Nev pitched this junk to the network heads at MTV.  This week we get to meet Dorion.  Dorion is of the male gender and living in what I can only assume was called Carcassville, Georgia.  He has a wonderful girlfriend of 7-months named something along the lines of Raf-Renee.  It’s pretty rude that the folks at MTV won’t sub-title that for us who aren’t quite as familiar with creative first names on the regular.  Regardless, Dorion loves his female girlfriend, but there’s one little catch.  You see, he’s also in love with another girl named Jeszica (no really, that’s how you spell her name) that he met online a few years ago.  Jeszica is a “model” and a full-time student trying to catch her nursing degree all whist “being a single mom.”  I have a feeling she’s the same kind of model that Kelly Bundy was when “modeling” the neeeeeew Allante!!  All whist doing the Bundy Bounce.  We get to see a few pictures of Jeszica and something tells me that she is sans the vag and, quite possibly, sprouted a dingle-dangle up in her shingle-shangle.  These are all widely used medical terms that you, as the IBBB reader, may not be aware of.  Like Tyra Banks, I give myself up…for you.  Knowledge leads to power.  Just not anywhere that matters.  Either way, Jeszica is all mans lips and Ru-Paul poses in all of her “modeling shots” and Dorion can’t get enough.  It’s a no wonder how his laptop isn’t glued shut (wink, creepy wink, winky wink).  As a sidenote, half of Jeszica’s pictures are basically Aaliyah album covers.  Brings a whole new meaning to the song, “More Than a Woman.”

Dorion needs the help of two men who spend the majority of the year in creepily themed hotels so that he can find out if Jeszica is real…or if she’s just another online perv with a peen.   Luckily, after spinning Max around on the chair so that he likely falls over, hits his head, and passes out so that Nev can Catfish his catfish…they’re both up for the challenge!  They leave sunny Maryland and head over to the part of Georgia where old women just sit on their front stairs in some form of a nightshirt and fan themselves with week old newspapers.  To sum up, it looks like Heaven on earth and not at all like the kind of place where people share spare teeth.  Nev and Max get to listen to all of Dorion’s troubles, like how he was homeless twice because his mom had “bad asthma” and couldn’t pay the rent.  Um.  I’m sorry.  So you’re trying to convince me that your mother isn’t Sweet Brown?  Catfishin’?  Ain’t nobody got time for that!  Also, if Sweet Brown doesn’t pop out from behind the camera during the big reveal and exclaim, “Lord Jesus there’s a penis!”  I’m going to deny my citizenship once and for all.  Even with money problems, Dorion was able to steal Xuxa’s sneakers and have one shoe embroidered with his name and the other shoe embroidered with Raf-Renee’s name.  I think that makes perfect sense.  Plus, since his name’s already on the left when Ref-Renee dumps his ass and starts singing, “To the left, to the left…everything you own in a box to the left” he’ll know which direction to go.  Raf-Renee is quite the real-life girlfriend because she knows about Jeszica and is willing to let Dorion find out if he really loves her or not.  I mean, whoever didn’t call it 10 minutes ago that Jeszica is probably Raf-Renee should be brought to their local West Virginian geneticist for brain testing, y’all!  Although with all these fancy editing moves, Catfish does seem to Catfish us on the regular.

Per usual there are plenty of red flags like the fact that Jeszica made it out to Georgia twice so far, but never answered her phone when Dorion called her to meet up.  And then there’s the whole “I don’t have a webcam” ordeal.  Please.  Both of my retired parents have Facetime on their iPads so cut that crap, poor people.  If you can afford any device that allows you to meet strangers on Facebook, you can afford to download the free app that lets you video chat.  What is Jeszica really afraid of anyway?  If Dorion didn’t think she was pretty over video chat then Jeszica could just be like, “Oh sorry about that.  My penis was covering half of my face.”  I mean these are simple techniques people!  Max is quite the feisty little minx this season and is having a bit of a sass-off with Dorion about being in love with two “women.”  Is it just me or how lucky is everyone to meet all these models online?  Plus, these models never seem to be able to find real life partners in real life.  I mean, you know how much people in real life never want to date models so you can understand their loneliness.  Either way, Dorion just wants their help so he can find his “Cinderella” and “see if the glass slipper fits.”  These are words out of Dorion’s mouth so to sum up, don’t let your kids around this guy because we have a potential Level III on our hands.  Did I mention that Jeszica also has about 15 other profiles too, but she’s sure to share “the real” one with Dorion.  I said it before and I’ll say it again…model chicks love homeless dudes.  It’s simple science, really.

The “investigation” turns out that…wait for it…this chick may be Catfishing a hell of a lot of people.  In fact, they find this one guy named Sammie who’s willing to call Nev and tell him all of his personal information.  Makes sense.  Sammie is “dating” Jeszica or so he thinks.  Once Nev tells him that he may be Catfish’d too the guy is just like ‘Naaaaw, really?”  Yes.  Really.  So technically random Sammie got pre-Catfish’d before Dorion got Catfish’d all whilst Jeszica is busy Catfishing all around town on  the regular.  Whatever happened to old school Catfishing?  You know, when you would go to a bar, get drunk, meet someone, and then wake up the next day (sober) and realize it’s a complete different person than you thought just 6 hours prior?  Screw “the Internet” because WE are all Catfishing pioneers!  Anyway, Nev brings this late breaking news to Dorion and Dorion literally looks shocked.  Although, truth be told, it’s pretty hard to tell because he has about as much spunk as a dead Christmas tree.  I miss Santa.  Either way, per usual why are these people so surprised?  It’s nothing they couldn’t have uncovered on Google in under 12 seconds.  I mean, I Google everyone.  Hell, I once gave this homeless woman a bottle of water on the way back from a run in Central Park and then stopped to Google “homeless woman near Central Park” and 10 million results came up in which all of them stated she wasn’t really a homeless woman.  Also, that story may be fake.  Yes!  I just Catfish’d you punks!

Later we get to finally meet Raf-Renee.  She is basically Dorion with longer hair.  These two are the worst.  They’re speaking at such low monotone levels all whilst looking down and covering their faces with their hands that even I’m getting embarrassed.  Raf can’t seem to get over the fact that she’s on a television show now and it’s finally sinking in so she decides that she needs some time away…and simply walks to the front of the house.  Phew!  Space!  She claims she didn’t know that Dorion felt this strongly about Jeszica, so let’s just assume the camera crew helped solidify that.  I actually feel bad for her and not just because she has the skinniest arms (next to me) that I’ve ever seen in my life (after Nev).  Also, I changed my mind.  Her voice is too “dead” for her to be Jeszica.  Plus, her jeans are pretty tight and it doesn’t look like she’s stuffed a penis down there.  I guess what I’m getting at is that this skinny bricks allowed her new homeless boyfriend to live in her parents house for free and perhaps give him a little peek at the “gentlemen greeter” when she’s feeling saucy…and this is how he repays her?

The “next day” Raf-Renee decides to call it quits with Dorion so he’s free to fly to Texas to meet Jeszica and shake her ding-a-ling in person.  Sidenote, the hotel they stay at in Texas is worse than Dorion’s house.  I think it’s legit a crack den and you know Nev and Max are pissed there is no “Colonial Times” theme.  And Nev was so pumped to be the one to wear the bonnet this time!  Plus it wasn’t even decorated in, like, hotel furniture.  It just looked like furniture that people leave on the side of the road due to things like “a killing” or “a home abortion.”   Moving on.  It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  It’s time to meet Jeszica.  Ding-dong!  And it is….

Sister, Sister!  Tia or Tamera Mowry, ladies and gentlemen!  What a star studded Catfish episode!  Where in the hell is Jackee screaming “Maaaaary” from behind the bushes?  So we’ve all been down this road before.  It’s not Jeszica.  It’s Alexis (I think).  And is it wrong that I was like, “Eh she’s not that bad.”  In fact she looks a little better than Raf-Renee…and her house, from the outside, looks pretty nice as well.  You know homeless Dorion is in quite the pickle.  Within 3 seconds Alexis spills the beans that she isn’t Jeszica, she is no longer dating Sammie, and she doesn’t have a kid.  Oops, oops, and oops!  But, she claims, that everything else she told him was true.  Um, what else is there?  She’s basically like, “When I was talking to you on the phone I did say I was on the phone…so…well…that was the truth, right?”  Alexis is sad that she tricked a homeless man into loving her, but says she just did it because she was new to town and needed to make new friends.  She didn’t, however, talk about any diddling in her youth that lead her living an alternate reality where she doesn’t have to get closer to anyone in real life.  I’m sure that’s what Dr. Drew would say but, please dear Jesus, keep that guy away from this show or people will start dying.

After Dorion, Nev, and Max had back to the hotel to discuss things and figure out the best way to get rid of bed bugs, Dorion decides that he’ll “be in love” with Raf-Renee instead of being in love with Tia and/or Tamera Mowry.  He decides to video chat her up and let her know the “good news.”  Since Raf is missing 1/4th cup of self esteem she’s pretty much going to take him back especially since she claims she was “crying and everything” over this situation.  Ok there settle down, Emotions.  She’s probably figuring she’s already invested in “couples sneakers” so why not go the stretch.  In the end, Dorion meets back up with Tia to let her down gently and she, in turn, talks about how mad she is at him for never telling her about Raf-Renee.  Um.  Excuse me, Miss?  Yeah, you made up a new face and also made up the concept that an actual human being came out of your vagina.  So, er, I’d say your case of Pinocchioitis is far worse than his.  Plus, what’s with all the dirty-baked-on-caked-on pots and pans stacked up in the living room?   Poor people make me itch.  Either way, these two goons hug it out and Dorion goes back home to Raf-Renee where they are living happily ever after…and he only talks to Tamera once in a while.

I’d like to go on record stating that I still think that the real Jeszica is “with penis.”  Maybe we’ll find out in a future episode.  P.S., don’t forget to “Like” this blog so that it can successfully travel the world wide web.  Ole!

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