1. Our contestant, Jeff, is from the part of Florida where pro sports players and the common man are allowed to kill people:
Jeff is a sailor and met his online love, Megan, when she “accidentally” friended him on Facebook. Oops! Also, can people please stop saying “on accident” vs. “by accident.” You sound 2 years old. Also, my grammar mistake level is around 97% so…
2. Max has had a f**ing ’nuff:
He can’t take it anymore. I mean, contractually he can but “huff-wise” Max is sick and tired (and grey) with the people who are never able to video chat….ever. He rolls his eyes so far back in his head that he’s probably able to see Nev checking out his ass. Eh, if you’re going to talk about me behind my back, at least check out my great ass. ~ Carole Radz
3. Nev has no clue what a sailor actually does:
Once Jeff mentions (12 times) that he’s a sailor, Nev asks if he spends all of his time on a ship. Yeah, no. I mean, why not just ask Jeff if all the sailors get to gang-bang Olive Oil and snort spinach on the regular?
4. Jeff really believes that Megan looks like her pictures, which resemble a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader but…
I. Am. Not. Buying. It. Due to crafty editing and verbal fake-outs I may have believed it, but after we all got to see the Instagram video of Megan saying “hello” to her dog I immediately knew she suffered from fat voice. It’s an epidemic, really.
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5. Rule of Thumb: If you haven’t video chatted with your new online girlfriend, don’t send her flowers for Valentine’s Day:
It’s called being superficial. It’s what America was built on. Smarten up.
6. If we’re still at war, I’m pretty sure we’re losing it because of Jeff:
I mean, no pressure dude but if you’re falling for this crap I’m not sure I trust that you’re ready and able to defend out country. And by “our country” I, of course, mean “my apartment and bank account.” The hell with everyone else.
7. Nev will never miss an opportunity to tickle and flirt with Max. No means no.
Except once in a while it means “I’m thinking about it. Still tickle me, Elmo.”
8. Wait. Did we technically Catfish Bin Laden?
And wasn’t Whitney Houston somehow involved in that?
9. Dear Everyone, if you’re going to Catfish someone don’t register your phone to your real name and address:
Because Nev and Max will throw a sass-fit and find you. They simply Google’d Megan’s cell phone and found out that it was registered to a girl named Brandy who was at the same exact address where Jeff sent the V-day flowers to. This took 11 seconds. Put a little effort into hiding yourself. The Internet exists.
10. I’m pretty sure Jeff is going to be totally fine with it even if Megan/Brandy ends up being a fatty:
Nev and Max head over to Jeff’s “ship” to let him know that they found out that Megan is most likely really named Brandy. They then mentioned that she wasn’t really a nurse…and that’s what Jeff seemed the most upset about. I mean, really? It’s not like she was pretending to be a model and really was a lunch lady.
11. Finally a Catfisher who remembers she has a hangup button on her phone:
She may not have been smart enough to hide from Nev and Max, but when Nev called her and spilled the beans that he knows her real name is Brandy and he wants her to meet Jeff, she did what everyone does and say things like, “Um, I’m kind of busy right now and this isn’t a good time…so I’m not sure.” But then she just hung up on him. I applauded. That button is real. Use it and use it often.
12. If the person being Catfished can’t leave the state then, fine, Nev will send Max to go capture the Catfisher:
It was a first when Nev sent Max to Texas to throw a net over Brandy and drag her back to Florida like a cave-woman to meet with Jeff. Why are they even doing this if Jeff can’t leave Florida since he’s a sailor?! It’s like one of the girls on 16 & Pregnant saying in her application that she’s not pregnant. Pass.
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13. Max is a stalker and now possibly a Level III:
They made is seem like Max was going to the moon alone, but he was simply flying to Texas with a camera crew to find Brandy. Oh, and they have her address. So he was basically just traveling somewhere like, you know, adults do thousands of times a day. Either way, he ends up sitting in front of Brandy’s apartment complex and talking her on the phone until she finally agrees to come out and see him.
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14. And Brandy really is….
Not the “Cowboys cheerleader” that she looked like in her photos. Shocker. She’s not the worst, but not the best. She’s like a mostly cloudy day at the beach. What I feel bad about is that she looks like she’s about to have a mental breakdown at a moments notice. Why did she even agree to show up? If my phone ever rings and it’s someone named Nev wanting to meet me for a television show this is what I would say: ” .”
15. I mean, who hasn’t had their teeth knocked out?
Brandy is really harping on the fact that she was in an abusive relationship in the past and that’s why she made up the fake profile and blah. Yawn. It’s like, who hasn’t had the crap knocked out of them from time to time? If you don’t, how do you know when you’re doing something wrong like, you know, burning the roast and whatnot?
16. Sure I can take a last second trip to a different state on a plane leaving right now!
Max finally convinces Brandy to come with him on a plane, right now, leaving for Florida to go an meet with Jeff and show him just what a royal mess she is. So if she’s not a nurse I think it’s safe to assume she’s not an anything?
17. Cover her up:
Once she’s just about to meet Jeff at his house Max is suddenly like, “Are you cold?” and then makes the camera guy give her a jacket. It was like, “Someone throw a tarp over this dump truck.”
18. Jeff is totally fine with this:
As I predicted, Jeff seemed ok with Brandy Catfishing him, except the part about her not being a nurse. Why was he so bummed about that? Moreover she was like, “I really wanted to have a job like a nurse so…” Dream big…and then don’t pursue it. America!
19. The lies aren’t that bad…
…when you phrase it like, “I just lied about my name, job, and all my pictures…but everything else was me!” Oh, perfect then.
20. In the end…
Brandy really sells that abuse card for a while and Jeff buys into it so they end up having a couch date and he says things like “you’re really pretty” etc. That’s nice. Wait. That’s nice? I knew Jeff couldn’t care what she looked like. He’s like a terrorist in my eyes. They try dating after the show is done filming, but can’t do it in person since Jeff can’t leave the state so it’s all really up in the air. Also, I don’t care. Just keep running those abuse commercials to make us all feel uncomfortable.
More Catfish Recaps:
The One Where She Turns Lez
The One with Beelzbub & the Creepy Casino
The One With Tracie Thoms and Her Audition Tape
The One With Lucille and Kidd Cole
The One With T-Light and Antoinette
The One With Antwane and Fat Ass Kelly Price, Honey!