Catfish Mid-Season Reunion Recap…Because Apparently This is What We Do Now

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I have good news and I have bad news.  The good news is that Dr. Drew isn’t hosting the Catfish reunion.  The bad news is that Su Chin Pak is.  Now I don’t have anything against her, really.  However, is it just me or does she actually make the “cast” uncomfortable?  It’s like relax, Su Chin, no one wants to Catfish you so stop making everyone, including me, nervous.  Either way, we’re half way through the season and so MTV feels the need to toss together a half-ass reunion so that we can see how everyone is still facing the trials and tribulation of morbid obesity.  Similar to me watching this show each week, these “reality show stars” (quotations, quotations, quotations) are really gluttons for punishment.  By the way, ‘glutton’ is Latin, I believe, for “can’t eat bread” so therefore they can’t eat bread for punishment.  I’m sure it’s some repercussion for scamming someone on the national television.  If I see more pissed off than normal it’s because Time Warner and CBS are still in b*tch fight and so they pulled CBS off the air about 2 weeks ago and I’m forced, like animal, to watch Big Brother the next day (like a cave person) on my phone.  There was no way to really seamlessly transition into that statement so I just went for it.  Moreover, if MTV or Bravo tried to pull a stunt like that I would either, of course, dirt-nap myself immediately if not sooner or I would legit pack up and move out of the Big Apple into a Small Apple….wherever that may be.  I hear Delaware is nice this time of year.  That’s south, right?

Per usual Nev and Max are dressed to the nines for this reunion.  I jest.  Max is in what I can only assume is Bugle Boy Jeans and matching shirt and Nev is sporting what we’ll all just assume is a Jessica Simpson shirt and blazer.  Even though I tee-off on these two all the live-long-day (when I’m not working on the railroad) they genuinely seem psyched to be on television, as would I.  As would I.  After this I going to try my hand at Catfishing Amber in jail/gel.  Wish me luck.  Don’t tell her.  Anyjunk they kick things off with Cassie and Gladys.  Both are still hot names circa 1910 (when our country was founded by Davy Crockett and Amelia Earhart).  In case you forgot Gladys was pretending to be some dude that Cassie basically got engaged to and then eventually had phone sex with.  Since that’s not humiliating or anything, Cassie decided to forgive Gladys since “no one would go out of their way to save me like that.”  I’m sorry, what?  For 2 years your friend pretended to be a dude that you got engaged to and then pulled the gotcha gotcha on you on national television….and you’re cool with that?  Good luck explaining that black-eye to your friends in your sewing circle when you future husband plays Ike and Tina with you on the regular because my Magic 8 Ball is suggesting you’re the kind of girl who will just be fine with that.  I, of course, am joking.  My Magic 8 Ball told me to try back later.  I’ll let you know what it says.  Also, when Gladys speaks she sounds like she’s constantly choking on a double-decker sandwich of d*cks.  That is all.  Best wishes everyone.

Stamp your bingo card if you just shouted out, “I’m in Derek’s driiiiiiveway!”  Also, punch yourself in the genitals for the same reason.  Well apparently they’re still in Derek’s driveway because we’re catching up with Lauren and Derek via Skype.  Glad to see he finally got that whole “I don’t have a web cam” situation under control.  Everything is still on the up and up with these two crack-heads.  Lauren temporarily moved out to Maryland to live in sin with Derek…but just for the summer.  Then she’s moving back to the slums until Derek proposes to her and adopts her son.  In case you missed it Lauren basically mentioned wanting to be married about 15 times in her 4 minute segment.  She even said, “People of all ages want to see a Catfish wedding.”   Really?  Do they now, Pinocchio?  I’m pretty sure people are still pissed that Derek wasn’t a 350 lb German woman living in homeless shelter.  And by “people” I mean “me.”  As a sidenote, no one looks good on web cam.  No one.  Ever.  And the sound is atrocious.  You look like Max Headroom in an 80’s porn set with the voice of Vicki the robot from Small Wonder.  Best wishes everyone.

Jesus they’re just getting these people in and out in like 5 minutes, it’s great.  Next up is Anthony and Framel.  I mean.  Anyway, we actually didn’t learn anything new but everyone did have a nice laugh over Framel’s excuse of being car-jacked and then run over by the car.  Personally I don’t think it’s so much funny as it is traits that an Amanda Bynes would have.  Plus, I was just shouting at the TV the whole time, “And it wasn’t not funny!”  Tip your 40 for Tammy from Real World Season 2.  The Marsha Warfield of our generation, Framel, says that since the show he’s done a total 180 and has even lost 56 pounds.  I had to hit rewind at that point because I was looking to see if anyone was winking or if his fingers were crossed whilst he said it.  It’s like, dude, you Catfish’d Anthony, but we can see you with our actual eyes and you can’t Catfish us into thinking you lost 56 pounds.  I mean, the Kid-n-Play hair alone is 56 pounds.  Eh, good for him.  As a sidenote, Nev is totally trying to steal Su Chin’s job by asking open-ended questions like, “How did that make you feel” and “What were you thinking.”  If it was me I would have asked, “Are you f*cking for real, bricks?   Don’t even answer that because it’s rhetorical.  Get off the stage.”  Why they won’t cast me to interview these people is beyond me.  Also, someone tell Anthony to stop with the tattoos.  They aren’t love.  Best wishes everyone.

Welp.  Grab your Windex because it’s time to get caught up with Krysten and her glass eye.  The “tour of weight loss lies” continues where Krysten let’s us know she’s doing really well, moved in her her boyfriend (George Glass), and is losing all kinds of weight.  Again, these people forget that we can see them.  However, I like her and am glad she’s doing well.  Even Mike came across less douchey this time around.  Fine, he didn’t…but I’m trying to turn this recap around because I honestly have no clue why there is even a reunion at this point because (A) we haven’t learned anything (B) everyone is lying about their weight (C) Su Chin and her eyes-of-judgement are making me angry and (D) I’ve realized that once their episode is over I don’t really care what happened to them. Nev the perv brings up the friendly little reminder that these two love-sick-tools took snapshots of their junk via the text.  Here’s the pickle; Krysten sent pictures of someone else and Mike sent pictures of his own dingle-e-doo and, well, Nev is foaming from the excessive bearded mouth.  I have a feeling he’ll be offering Krysten top dollar for ownership of her phone.  Also, anyone who does the finger-gun-salute when stating they’re single should be castrated via the tool you use to get pickles out of the jar.  Bring on Loyda!  Best wishes everyone.

Oh that was quick.  I actually forgot how awesome the episode with Ramon and Loyda really was.  There was money exchanged, a puffy leather couch, a coo-coo-en-la-cabeza-madre… it really had everything you could want and need.  I even forgot about that time where Ramon pretty much knew it was Loyda the whole time, you know, because she video chatted with him and showed that dainty face of hers.  Oops.  Ramon is no bueno with the truth.  Su Chin really asked the hard-hitting question that we all wanted to know…did she return the video games?  Phew.  She didn’t.  However she did feel guilty keeping it and told Ramon she would send it back to him, but he refused.  He’s probably hoping she can do some Wii bowling and really get herself back to her fighting weight.  Loyda, by the way, is loving all the attention.  In fact, the night Catfish aired 9 people rang her doorbell to take a picture with her.  Yeah, I’m not sure so much it was “fans’ as it was “bill collectors.”  Also, Ramon seems sketchy as hell.  Although bravo to him for repeating every question that was asked of him.  And double bravo for having eyebrows waxed thinner than Su Chin’s.  It takes a village.  I have no idea.  Best wishes everyone.

And…how I felt every time they went to commercial break and was trying to figure out why this show was actually happening…

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