Dear Britney’s Stretcher,

Dear Britney’s Stretcher,

How are YOU? Wow. Huh? I know, right? It must have been a really rough night for you. I mean, first off, you had to be out late which must be tough on a week night. Second, you were probably just recently cleaned and then guess whose fat ass gets plopped on top of you? Now, we know that Britney typically doesn’t wear “the underpants” and God only knows where her “gentleman greeter” was last. It could have been at Starbucks sitting on a coffee stained chair. It could have suffered from flash poisoning while getting out of a car. It could have chopsticks up it (I’d just assume). Hell, it could have been dunking itself in a bowl of Campbell’s Split Pea Soup (please. don’t even act surprised). Anyway, so how was it? Slimy I bet.
Now how was it while Britney was being strapped to you? I bet it was kinda like sitting on a hot leather car seat in the summer and you quickly try to get out of the drivers seat and pull almost half your skin off because your legs were stuck to the leather. No? Ok I have another question. Was Britney screaming obscenities? Actually, scratch that. WHICH obscenities were used and how did she integrate “y’all” into it? I’d assume it went something like this: “Y’all, f*ck this, y’all! I’m just country. This is what we do. Suck b*alls you mother f*cker. I’ll kill your mother you fatass b*tch. Burn in heeeeeeeeellllllllllll. Anyone got some gum, y’all?” So how close was I? I bet I got more than half right.

Ugh, anyway, I just wanted to check in on you, Britney’s stretcher, just to make sure you were ok. I’m sure you were a little shaken up and all the camera flashes were sure to startle you. But hey, just think of it this way, this is kinda like training for the Stretcher Olympics for you. If you could handle a ride to the hospital with Britney you can most certainly handle a ride with that morbidly obese woman that they need to cut out of her house and use a crane to transport her onto you. See? Everything happens for a reason!

In closing, thanks for helping Britney out. Hopefully she’ll recommend you when her little sister goes into labor and needs to be taken to the hospital. It’s nice to keep it in the family. Oh, and Lynne Spears has a message for you. She told me to tell you to “say prayers.” Uh, ok. That’ll do the trick Lynne, thanks!

Use Antibacterial,

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