Dear Britney’s Dogs,

Dear Britney’s Dogs,

Ay ay ay. Where do I even begin. First off, arrf and woooof! Similar to your owners 2 kids, “What’s His Face” and “The Other One” I don’t really know which of you is which. Hell, one of you could be a cat as we know Britney does like pussy (audience applause). Anyway, yowza so what’s it been like going on these road trips/crazy-person victory laps with Britney? I see that she took you two antique shopping. Hopefully she’ll find some rustic antique bras and some soap. She’s squeezing the two of you like she’s in the middle of her second hostage crisis. As a sidenote I hope these hostage situations become weekly or at least bi-weekly events.

So what’s it like to have some nasty meth-hands around your fury little necks? Similar to the newspaper, does she let you just pee all over her? She’s way into that huh? I can tell. She probably lets you do #2 right in her weave. It’s ok, you can tell me. Does she give you each a bath by licking you the same way a cat mother licks her baby kittens? I bet she let one of her kids give you the cat bath by trying to convince them that you were stamps. Does Britney’s mom, Lynne, knit you those fancy little sweaters that you’re wearing? I bet she does. She seems like she’s a very traditional grandmother. Anyway, you must at least feel good about the fact that Britney holds you tighter than she held her two kids and I’m pretty sure she hasn’t dropped either of you yet….paws crossed!

In closing, I hope this letter has found you well. My only advice to you would be to run. Run as fast and far away as you can the moment you get the chance. More than likely you’ll find the opportunity during one of Britney’s daily trips to the gas station. You’re better off learning how to light a cigarette and smoking in the gas station and praying to your sweet Jesus that the gas station somehow explodes then staying with Britney. There’s a good chance that at some point in the next two weeks Britney will mistake you for food or coffee and try to eat and/or drink you. Now this may take place before, during, or after her next hostage situation. I bet you’re thinking that those hurricane Katrina dogs are pretty lucky right about now, aren’t ya? Oh well, best of luck and remember one last thing: You did not start the flea problem, you acquired it.
Luke-Warm Regards,

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