Britney Attempts Suicide in Rehab

Leave it to those crazy Australians to break news that Britney Spears has allegedly tried to commit suicide in her Promises Rehab facility. The story originally from “News of the World” claims that Britney tried to hang herself with a bed sheet and was screaming, “I am the anti-Christ.” Oh, but she didn’t just stop there, my friends, oh no. Britney also wrote the numbers “666” across her forehead. That’s pretty.

An unidentified staff member of Promises Rehab stated that none of the staff knew what to do when Britney was running screaming through the halls screaming “I am the anti-Christ.” Really? No one knew what to do? No one? Look, I’m not a psychiatrist (although, I am) but my first thought would have been to shoot her with enough tranquilizers that would stop a charging elephant dead in its tracks. I would have then thrown a net over her and dragged her back to her room, followed by handcuffing her to her radiator and making her listen to “Genie in a Bottle” backwards…and on repeat. Oh wait, is that frowned upon?

Hopefully this story isn’t true and if it is I hope that Britney is chilling the F out! I’ve been brainwashed with enough Anna Nicole funeral coverage and I don’t think I am mentally prepared to deal with a Britney Spears funeral. I mean, you kinda are the anti-Christ, but that’s not enough to force you to take a dirt-nap. Frankie says “Relax.”

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