Big Brother 12 Recap: Well, That Was Fast.

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Well it’s time for another episode of Big Brother.  I thought this was on for the past 5 days straight so it only makes sense that it’s on again tonight.  But tonight is a special night, boys and girls.  It’s the night when someone gets executed on live television!  Oh.  They just get evicted?  I thought executed.  Eh, I’ll still give it a shot.  Here’s what went down last night on ¡Grande Hermano!

  • Spoiler Alert:  Julie Chen is dressed like a 1990’s “In Living Color” fly-girl.  I don’t know why she needs those straps.  Her little-boy-breasts aren’t going anywhere, nor would CBS need to blur anything out.
  • Annie is all pissed off that she’s up “on the block.”  You know who’s never pissed to be on the block? Jenny.  She’s just, she’s just Jenny from the block.
  • Enzo and Matt are all hi-fiving over the fact that they think Annie is going home. Enzo is sporting his “designer shades” and scally-cap all whilst indoors.  You know who Enzo 100% is?  Remember that dude from “True Life: I’m Getting Married.”  Remember the guy who was getting married to the chick with the huge boobs and huger lips?  Yeah, him.  I’m waiting for him to start freaking out and telling Matt that he’s going to gut him like a fish.  Moving on.
  • Knockers del Toro and Brendon are all making out under the STD-soaked black blanket, when all of a sudden he brings up Annie.  Not “Little Orphan” just so we’re clear.  I mean he could be talking about Little Orphan Annie for all I know.  I can barely keep up with this crapisode.  Anysunwillcomeouttomorrow, Knockers del Toro is pissed that he’s bring her up when she’s trying to get her syphilis down his throat.  Next thing you know, Brendon is all “sad” and half “weepy” because Knockers is making him feel stupid.  Seriously, is that possible?  That’s like Gary Coleman making someone feel short.  Oh screw you, it’s never too soon.  God rest his rotting pint-size corpse.  Oh, and then Brendon tells Knockers del Toro that he just wants her to “hug him” and tell him everything is going to be ok.  Seriously dude, seriously?  You know you just said that.  And you know you’re on television, right?  I think I even saw Knockers knockers giggle a bit.
  • Oh man.  CBS must be PIIIIIISSSSSSED!  Their whole plan of the “saboteur” twist all summer long has come to a close because the sabateur is (spoiler alert) Little Orphan Annie.  Well looks like she’s getting adopted kicked out of the house this week so, well, that was a fast twist.  I think their new theme is going from “expect the unexpected” to “eh, just expect the expected.”  Julie is going to be so busssssy blowing sponsors now!
  • Since Little Orphan is on her way out, she’s throwing everyone under the bus, especially Brendon.  She’s telling everyone his “big secret” which is…he’s a scientist.  Oh no!  He’ll never win now!  Kill yourself.
  • Who are these people who sit in the live “audience” during Big Brother?  What are they even watching?  They basically have to sit there and listen to Chen rattle off “emotion” and stare at her flat ass. Fine, where do I get cast?
  • I love when Julie talks to the houseguests live and she has to press her little Jeopardy clicker so that they can all hear each other.  I’ll take “Douche-Bag Contestants” for $600.  Bing!  Julie starts off talking to Enzo about him and his mother have sex with each other and introducing foods into their marital bed.  I have no idea.  At one point Enzo compares slop to his ex-girlfriends and Julie says she wants meet these women (lesbian). I’m sure she can find them on Myspace.  They’re the girls with the gliteratti images of Tinkerbell drinking a Cosmo and kicking her leg while Playboy bunny logos fall like rain in the background.  Then your computer freezes.
  • I vote to evict….I love this part for so many reasons.  First off, if I were on the show and I knew it was live I would F with Julie so bad.  I’d be like, “I vote…to evict….um, Suzie?  Jo-Jo?  Angie?  Julie, which is the one with the red hair?  Julie, can you hear me?  Julie??”  I also love this part because this is the part where some of the contestants give special secret gestures for their loved ones at home.  This usually consists of people giving “I love you” signs by pointing to their eye, their heart, and then out to the camera.  Original.  Again…if it were me?  I’d wiggle my tongue through my fingers, move my eyebrows up and down, and yell, “Hey Julie, you like this? Ow!”  But that’s just me. Perhaps you’d have your own special message.
  • What “symbols” is Matt doing?  Gang?  Seriously, is that dude having a seizure?  They should have gone right to commercial.
  • Everyone votes to evict Little Orphan Annie, including Sandy, Grace Farrell, Punjab, the Asp, Daddy Warbucks, Mr. Bundles, Pepper, and Ms Hannigan.  All of them did.  They must have been in an alliance.
  • Sidenote, why does Hayden always yell when he’s in his 1 on 1 interview?  It’s like, Christ use your indoor voice, Shaggy.
  • Peace out Orphan because it’s time for the HOH.  Like my friend Janine once said, “No one wants to adopt you, firecrotch!”
  • I love the HOH too, especially when Julie has to yell at people to “reset.”  Brendon gets his answer wrong and starts walking away and Chen is spitting and hissing, “Brendon reset, everybody reset.”  Friggin relax, Julie, I’m the only person in North America watching this sh*t and it’s not bothering me.
  • In the end we have a three-way tie which means that everyone has to take out their chalkboards and guess how many gallons of caramel were used in the pool during one of the competitions because, you know, that’s enough to make for a good television show.  Similar to Julie’s “RESET” tirade, she also gets into a “I need your answer.  I need it.  I’m going to need your answer right now.  Now.  Rachel, now.  Now or you’re disqualified.”  Poor Britney doesn’t even know how to hold chalk and, well, who in the hell is Monet?   Did she just join the show 15 minutes ago?  Well clearly she’s a genius because she guess their was 725 gallons of caramel in the kiddie pool and the real answer was 330 so Knockers del Toro wins it all!  Congratulations and by that I mean, “I’m going to bed.”

Until next time.

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