Big Brother 12 Recap: Stop Saying “Saboteur.”


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Well everyone, it’s that time of year when Big Brother comes back to “the television” to remind me the lack of life I have.  Big Brother doesn’t remind me this just one day per week.  Oh, no no.  Never. Ever.  Big Brother decides to remind me this 3 days a week!  It’s like a friendly, yet forceful, kick to the nuts on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday.  No need to set the Tivo, I’m home.

  • It’s tough to recap Big Brother, especially at the beginning.  I have hard time remembering peoples names.  I usually refer to them as Douche # 1, Douche # 2, Douche # 3, etc.  This time around, however, I will break that cycle thanks to a little red-head I like to call “Knockers del Toro.”  Seriously, Knockers del Toro looks like she’s about to topple over.  She kinda has that opposite Weeble thing going on.  Oh, and she’s a chemist too.  Perhaps she can light her Bunsen Burner with her fire crotch?  Perhaps time will tell.
  • Other people I remember include and are limited to: Enzo.  That was an easy one.  As soon as I hear the name I had my doctor pull out my sleep induced Demerol because as soon as I heard that name I thought it was that little sh*t from The Hills.   I was like, “Is there no height requirement to ride this ride?”  Enzo from Big Brother and Enzo from The Hills are very different people.  First of all they have different DNA (duh) and fifteenth of all Enzo from Big Brother has much less hair than little Enzo from The Hills.  Like, much less.  Much,  much.  To sum it up he looks like my sisters Burt and Ernie stuffed animal from when we were little and I cut most of his hair off with my left-handed Crayola scissors because I thought it would grow back.  Yeah, like that. Other interesting facts include Enzo being from New Jersey, liking meatballs, and more than likely having intercourse with his mother.
  • There’s a bunch of other people too, but I can’t. I can’t and I won’t.  One kid has all his hair brushed in front of his face like that God-for-saken Justin Beiber.  He looks like he’s drowning in hair.  One girl I’m just going to nickname “Bricks” right now because she’s as dumb as a pile of them.  One guy loves being Jewish and mentions it about 15 times in the first 20 seconds (Jesus is going to be piiiiisssssed when He finds out!).  Oh, and then there’s other people too.  Yawnski!
  • I must admit it’s nice to see Julie Chen back.  Blah, I’m lying already.  At least she lost all the baby weight.  Another lie.  She seems more lively this year?  Fib.  She’s wearing the traditional color of the street-walker?  Ding, ding, ding!  That’s the truth.  She has on as much red as she could tear away from the hooker selling meth and “her mouth” on the corner.
  • Everyone is sitting around and introducing themselves.  Everyone seems to have the same strategy which is “Lie about what I do for a living.”  However they kind of miss the point of this.  One guy is a podiatrist and is like, “Hi, I’m a schmadiatrist.”  Some other dude is a Communications Professor, but I believe he tells everyone he is a Communications Student.  Ohhhh tricky.  You’re a shoe-in to win now!  Kill yourself.  Me first though.
  • We’ve already learned the first major twist of the season.  Someone is the “Saboteur.”  Let me type that like Julie Chen says it.  Sab-O-teurTuer.  TEUR! It’s like enough already, Julie, we get it.  You’re Asian-French-Canadian.  Happy Boxing Day.  Have a spring roll.  Yeesh, enough with this one.  Sabotuer. WHO isthe Sab-O-teur?  WHOisthe Saboteur? WHOistheSab….O……TEUR? Perhaps it’s….Louis….Pasteur.  All done.  I don’t care who it is.  I vote that it’s Knockers del Toro.  Does she leave the island now?  What number do I call?  Where  and what do I text and to whom? When can I phone a friend?  When is the Idol Gives Back episode?  Who’s the weakest link?  Am I still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model? I choose case # 7.  I can name that tune in 5 notes.  What is “The Potomac River?”  I’m sorry your journey ends here.  Vowel?  E.  Is Julie Chen the Mole?  I’ll take the physical challenge.
  • I have no idea what order I’m going in right now but I’m having a God-damn good time.  The two phrases that really stand out to me this episode and help explain why the terrorists are willing to set their ding-dings on fire in an airplane just to kill innocent Americans occurs when Knockers del Toro is talking about the Jewish dude during her one-on-one interview and how he wears a Yamaka (is that how you spell it?) but instead she says, “He’s wearing a Yom Kippur.  That’s, I believe, what it’s called.”  Oh yeah, Knockers del Toro?  Well “I believe” in an old obese man with a white beard named Santa, but guess what?  Yeah you know how that ends.
  • The next “interesting” line was from “Bricks.”  Although in all fairness Knockers del Toro could totally be “Bricks” too.  I’ll decide as the season progresses.  Anyway, Bricks says “The second that man opened his mouth I knew we would be best friends.  He’s a flaming homosexual.”  Good for her, I guess.  I’m sure Bricks’ dad taught her to talk like that, you know, when his tongue wasn’t shoved down her throat.  Ahh, “the South.”
  • Well it has been about 25 minutes so it only makes sense that one guy is dressed up as a hot dog and the rest of the cast has to jump on a giant slippery hot dog and sail across a giant pit to the other side all while ketchup and mustard is being sprayed on them.  Knockers del Toro loves making hot dog jokes.  I’m surprised she didn’t try to sail across by deep-throating the whole thing and having the other half come out of her arse.  Oh wait, no one else thought that?  People are falling off the hot dog left and right.  After about 10 minutes of watching what I can only assume has turned into a Japanese game show, Bricks falls off the hot dog basically into a pit of feathers and starts screaming that her knee hurts.  The dude that’s the podiatrist said he had a hard time not helping her because he’s a “doctor” and no one knows that.  Um, you’re a podiatrist.  She hurt her knee.  I’m sure if she wanted a pedicure she would have called out to you.  Now stand there in your hot dog suit, shut your mouth, and straighten out your Yom Kippur…just like it’s all stated in the Bible.
  • In the end someone wins the hot dog event.  I have no idea.  I was contemplating taking a bath with my toaster at this point.
  • When the whole group is back inside the lights go out and everyone thinks the Sab-O-teur is on the loose.  When the lights go back on the door to the food closet is locked and Max Headroom comes on the screen to deliver them a message.  I couldn’t understand anything it said.  The only word I could understand was “Saboteur.”  Wait a second, maybe I’m the Saboteur?  I assumed Julie Chen was talking directly to me this whole time anyway.
  • It’s going to be a long hard summer.  Just like my…shut-yo-mouf!

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